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Original poster

Rita Ora - 'It wasn't abuse because I wanted it'

156 replies

GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 10:32

Daily Mail link warning

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3288177/I-abused-14-says-Rita-Ora.html#comments-3288177

So Rita Ora has said that when she was 14, she had a relationship with a 26 year old man. But that it wasn't abuse because she 'wanted it' and that if anything it gave her more confidence Hmm I think this was something she said a while.ago, but has been dug up and been put into a new biography?

If she is just going to minimise this, then what is the point of putting it out there in the public, surely it serves to do absolutely nothing than giving totally the wrong message to her target audience? What kind of 26 year old bloke wants to go out with a 14 year old.anyway? Between this and her admiration for Chris Brown she is going down in my estimations at a rapid rate!

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:15

It has only been through alot of therapy that i have been able to face up to the fact that yes, i was abused. Really only in the last few years i can see the impact that this had on my self image and feelings about things. Maybe when Rita Ora is 45 and has children of her own, she will recognise it too. But i hope not, I actually hope that she is right and that she was in a mutual relationship rather than being groomed.

differentnameforthis · 25/10/2015 11:16

Some teenagers are very mature regardless, you cannot consent to ex until you are 16. if you have sex/sexual contact before that, with a 26yr old, you were raped.

If she doesn't see it as that, fine. That's her business, doesn't mean it wasn't rape.

RO hasn't stated that they had sex well something sexual happened because she said

the sexual abuse took place when she was a drama student at London's Sylvia Young Theatre School

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:17

EnthusiasmDisturbed - i totally agree (fantastic name btw)

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 11:18

How come Rita Ora can own her experiences but Chrissie Hynde cannot?

LurcioAgain · 25/10/2015 11:20

Her feelings are her own and I'm not going to tell her how to feel about it.

But I do feel perfectly able to judge the man's behaviour. Adult man - not only just turned adult but comfortably into adulthood (which 26 is even if you buy the men mature slower bullshit which I personally don't). You are confronted by a girl inher mid teens. She may wwell be randy as hell - many teens are. But you, as an adult, have a choice - whether to exploit the power imbalance that goes with the age gap or pat the girl on the head and say "go and find a boyfriend your own age."

To my mind this is precisely why we have an age of consent - not in order to criminalise teens exploring their sexuality but to keep them safe from predatory adults while they do so.

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 11:20

LEM, wouldn't Rita Ora's line of argument be that if you had enjoyed sucking cock at 12 then that, too, wouldn't have been abuse?

Birdsgottafly · 25/10/2015 11:22

"RO at 14 who was probably as mature as a 16 year old, ""

She describes it herself as being groomed and didn't have any interest in boys, she hadn't had a BF.

The describing Female 13/14 year olds as "older, more mature" is a time old excuse for male abusers.

There is also a massive difference between a 17-19, who has an underage GF than any 26 year old.

LoveAndHate · 25/10/2015 11:23

Lurcio, does an age difference always present a power imbalance? A 14 year-old girl who looks and acts 18 and a 26 year-old man? That's a genuine question.

I am not an abuse apologist. This thread has thrown up a lot of questions for me.

TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:23

Then she is clearly very wrong love

noeffingidea · 25/10/2015 11:24

A woman I know met her future husband when she was 14 and he was 21. She had a pregnancy scare at 15. Was she abused? She thinks not, and thry're still together nearly 40 years later.
differentname that isn't defined as rape in this country, unless the child is under 13.

ApricotSorbet99 · 25/10/2015 11:24

Actually, you were telling the poster to "fuck off". If it was to the comment it would have been "fuck that". And you have no right to reserve to tell someone to fuck off on here.

If I had a 14 year old daughter in a sexual relationship with a 26 year old, I would also be calling the police. Such acts are a criminal offence in this country for a very good reason and as a parent I would not be enabling a crime to be committed involving my child.

But I wouldn't be dismissing her own feelings or refusing them validity just so that I could pin a convenient label to them.

14 year olds are ripe for exploitation that's why we have laws to protect them. But that does not mean that every single experience is identical, or that every 14 year old girl is.

Rita Ora feels the way she feels. Gagging her is just another misogynistic attempt to let women know that they and their thoughts are owned by the "sisterhood".

Birdsgottafly · 25/10/2015 11:25

""wouldn't Rita Ora's line of argument be that if you had enjoyed sucking cock at 12 then that, too, wouldn't have been abuse?""

No because that's not what RO said, she stated it was child abuse but she didn't want to personally be viewed as an abused child.

As for Chrissie Hynde, she didn't just quote her own experience, she went on to lay blame at other Victims doors, because of their behaviour.

RO isn't doing that, or denying it was abuse.

sltorres9 · 25/10/2015 11:25

I cannot stand Rita ora, most self obsessed person alive

heatseeker14 · 25/10/2015 11:27

I have had similar experiences as you originalLem although I was 14 when it happened. I was groomed by a man in his 30s we did everything sexually apart from the full act, as he was well aware of the consequences. He was a friend of my mums, knew full well how messed up my life had been and used that to worm his way into my life. I thought I was in love with him, now I can see how desperate for attention and unhappy I was. Now in my 30s I feel deeply ashamed and think I would be physically sick if I bumped into him. So although Rita may feel ok about it, I think as a role model to young girls she should think twice about what she is saying.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2015 11:28

This thread has thrown up a question for me, sonething I had literally never thought about.
I lost my virginity at 17 to my then boyfriend who was a month away from his 15th birthday. An extremely mature and confident 14 year old, who was way more sexually mature than me.
Does that mean I raped him?

differentnameforthis · 25/10/2015 11:29

Of course she was abused, she was unable to consent to sex due to her age.

She may not think so, but law wise, yes, it was abuse.

differentname that isn't defined as rape in this country, unless the child is under 13.

Sex between a non (because a 14yr old cannot consent) and a 26yr old isn't rape? Because for it to be rape the victim has to be under 13? So had it been an adult he had sex with, without consent, that wouldn't be rape either??

OurBlanche · 25/10/2015 11:30

Oh! So a young woman has thought about what happened to her and decided that one man's actions will not define her, will not consign her forever to be a victim and the majority view here, amongst women, seems to be to disagree with her right to do so!

Weird!

As far as I can see, she has not denied the illegality of the actions, nor defended the man involved. All she has done is said that as she was not, at the time nor now in hindsight, inclined to see herself as having been a victim.

So yes, he is an abuser but she has refused to conform to our idea of victimhood.

Good for her! It is sad that a) more women cannot come to that kind of peace with their past b) other women find it necessary to diminish, decry any other woman doing so, as if perpetuating the role of woman as victim and man as evil shite is more important that any individual's right to self determination.

Birdsgottafly · 25/10/2015 11:32

""A 14 year-old girl who looks and acts 18 and a 26 year-old man?""

I've never seen a 14 year old girl that looks that a fully mature woman, tbh.

My own middle DD looked older and had a large chest, but her and her friends, my other to DDs friends and all of the young teen girls that I have ever worked with, still look like teens.

I don't know what "Act older" means, they aren't emotionally mature, they don't have an adults emotional intelligence.

They might be up for getting drunk and having sex, but that to me screams a young person who needs a level of protection.

A 26 year old shouldn't act on sexual feelings that they have for 14 year olds.

Original poster
GloriaSmellens · 25/10/2015 11:32

Yes OK, fair enough, she shouldnt be told how to feel about it. Thanks for the responses.

But this

But she apparently claimed that the attention made her feel as though she could 'take over the world'.

I mean that is grooming right there isn't it? And publicly saying that the attention from a much older man, who should have known better and not been fucking a underage girl 12 years his junior, was a big confidence booster to her? I don't know, its not a great message is it? But then as you.say, if its how she feels and she wants to talk about it....?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 25/10/2015 11:35

Well to be fair, its probably about how the person promoting her book told her to feel about it.....

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 25/10/2015 11:46

Oh ok then it does not matter sltorres9 Hmm

Great post LurcioAgain

I have a friend who had a relationship when she was 15 with a guy who was in his mid 20's. We all thought he was really sweet he was romantic and didn't pressure her into having sex as boys did our own age (not all but some). we knew we had to keep it secret and she did for years after relationship was over. This is what we thought as being that age we are inexperienced he groomed her she recently told me he would tie her up and use sex toys on her Sad she barely knew what sex was about Angry

CrapBag · 25/10/2015 11:47

See I have struggled for years with a similar issue. As I was 15 and didn't physically push him away, I didn't really see it as abuse even though I didn't want him to come near me. I was a fairly young and naive 15 year old as well.

Looking back, and I had a thread on here, I see that it was abuse because I did the typical thing of freezing rather than what I thought I should have done which was scream, shout and make a big fuss. Plus I kissed him back which also confused me more, I didn't want to and got away when I could but it's still confused the hell out of me.

When I look back he made quite a few comments and got the beer I claimed to like (I was acting like the big I am, I hate beer really) I think he was grooming me. He would tell me how much he liked me etc. He was 35. Way too old to be interested in a 14/15 year old girl.

longtimelurker101 · 25/10/2015 11:48

RO has made some kind of peace with her past, and attempted to move on, I think thats what this shows.

I'd agree that a 26 year old shagging a 14 year old is abuse though, all the excuses "more mature" girls "look older" etc etc do not stand. DD1 was year 9, 14 and had the height, figure and mannerisms of a woman in her early 20s, she was still a child in many, many ways and anyone who had been intimate enough with her to get her into bed would have realised that. If you are an adult who is sleeping with a child ( and I'll back the Romeo andJuliet clause here 2 or so academic years difference is nothing) you should know better, and I think it would be very rare for a 14 year old to be so sexually prococious that they could persuade a person who was aware of the law/nhad morals.

A friend of DD1's was 18, fresh out of 6th form and was having a sexual relationship with a guy who was in his 30s, a teacher ( but not at their school) and a friend of her Dad's, although I'm pretty sure Dad didn't know. I worried for this girl at the time, but DD pointed out friend was not an innocent 14 year old girl, but a headstrong young woman with a taste for older men. There is an age of consent for a reason and its to stop people taking advantage.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2015 11:49

This thread has made me think that there's no real point to the '16 being the age of consent' actual law.
Because no prosecutions ever take place when both parties are consenting and with a few years of 16 do they?
The law should be '16ish' as long as one of the people aren't over 20?
Has there ever been a case of two 15 year olds being put in jail because they had sex?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/10/2015 11:57

daughter was the victim of statutory rape

A 15 year old with a 17 year old is not a victim of 'statutory rape'
1- there is no such crime in the uk
2- the law does not seek to criminalise consensual sexual relationships between teens close in age even if one is slightly under 16

Rita Ora was a victim of abuse even if she doesn't acknowledge that fact it didn't experience it that way.