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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to put up a fight about this?

122 replies

DaniBubbles · 10/10/2015 11:34

Long story short- after years of putting up with downright nasty behaviour from my parents, things have come to a head.
I am about to cut contact with them completely but my dad has phoned and told me he wants belongings from my house. Most items are rightly his e.g. camping stuff, home videos etc which I have no problem with however there are 2 items which I'm reluctant to return:

A TV (Sony 40" about 8 years old) which he paid for and gifted to me for my first flat which I have then gone on to move to another flat and eventually my house.

An outdoor table and chair set which they gifted to me from my childhood home. My parents live in a flat without a garden which leads me to believe they are just going to bin it out of spite.

Is it worth putting up a fight about this? Or should I just hand it all over and cut contact?

OP posts:

mrssmith79 · 10/10/2015 11:40

Tell him they'll be on the doorstep at 12:00 sharp and go out for a coffee at 11:50.
Keep the items that are quite rightfully yours but don't bother telling him.

AlpacaLypse · 10/10/2015 11:40

Obviously I don't know your financial position, but I would probably hand the items over. Then buy much nicer new ones!

As it is, if even after a massive argument you get to keep them, they're still going to remind you of your parents.

ilovesooty · 10/10/2015 11:41

It's only stuff really. I'd hand them over and get rid of these toxic people from your life.

ApocalypseNowt · 10/10/2015 11:43

I think I'd just hand them over.

They might be asking for these things knowing it's unreasonable with the intention of provoking a reaction/argument.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 10/10/2015 11:45

What mrssmith said.

LimpidPools · 10/10/2015 11:46

It's a power thing, isn't it? You don't have to return them, but I agree with mrssmith - don't bother mentioning or discussing it, just omit them from the stuff you hand over.

Probably reply to any further demands with dismissive scorn. "Don't be ridiculous, you gave those to me years ago."

(Do watch out for the garden stuff just being nicked while you're out though.)

TheWitTank · 10/10/2015 11:55

I would just give it to them. They probably expect a fight, and are waiting for the satisfaction of bemoaning how you have 'stolen' their stuff. Chuck it all on the doorstep, tell them to pick it up by a certain time and if it isn't gone it will go to the charity shop as you won't store it for them. You don't need to be there or answer the door. I wouldn't want to keep anything as a reminder anyway, have a clear out and a fresh start.

AnnaMarlowe · 10/10/2015 11:57

Can you afford to replace them easily?

HortonWho · 10/10/2015 12:02

tell them if they want to be petty and are demanding gifts returned, you assume it's a reciprocal arrangement. Then give all their gifts back on the condition they return all yours. Hopefully you've gifted them lots of chocolates, flowers and wine over all the fathers/mothers days. :-)

Original poster

DaniBubbles · 10/10/2015 12:09

Thank you for all your replies. Financially it is no problem to replace them and the more I think about it the more I agree I don't want a reminder of them in my house.

My only reluctance is, as Limpid said, they will more than likely demand other stuff because their mentality will be "we have won!" it is very much a control thing and they won't release the control without a fight.

OP posts:

miaowroar · 10/10/2015 12:16

Well in that case perhaps you could make it clear that once these items are returned then there is no further contact -and if they contact you asking for further stuff, just ignore. If they say they are coming round at a certain time, be out and if they come round unexpectedly, don't answer the door. You could preface your agreement with "Well I thought those things were gifts, but certainly take them back if you must".

FWIW as a parent of two people in their late 20s early 30s can I just confirm how mean-spirited and ungracious it appears on their part to take things back from a child (even an adult offspring) you are disgruntled with. Frankly they don't deserve to have contact with you. Give them their precious stuff back and treat yourself to much nicer ones.

Miserable bastards! I hope you have a really happy life without them and I hope they regret being such turds.

VimFuego101 · 10/10/2015 12:20

I wouldn't return them if they were presents. As someone else said - put the other stuff on the doorstep, tell him it's there, go out for a coffee.

JeffsanArsehole · 10/10/2015 12:22

I would send a text saying the stuff will be outside between 12 and 2, collect it then or lose it

The TV and garden set were gifts, you're not getting those back.

You are now blocked from contacting me.

I would then block their number, send their emails to trash and Bin any correspondence from them. I would literally never speak to them or engage with them again.

I certainly wouldn't hand back gifts (even if I didn't want them now) as it just invites further inroads into my life. I wouldn't believe THEY would let it go at all so I would have to put my own (unmoveable and non negotiable) boundaries around my stuff.

Katedotness1963 · 10/10/2015 12:25

I'd give them their stuff back. They've won nothing, have they? They've lost their child's respect.

Arfarfanarf · 10/10/2015 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dippydeedoo · 10/10/2015 12:34

its not a win or lose situation is it,they are thinking by asking for all the stuff back it will cause you inconvenience,give them everything back and replace and know in your head and heart that you complied with their wishes so really if it was a win lose situation youve won because you gave them their stuff back and havent risen to the pettiness of their request.

BackInTheRealWorld · 10/10/2015 12:39

Give them all of it....and any other old gifts you can think of they haven't asked for. Dump it all outside with instructions that if they don't collect within a certain time frame you are taking it all to the tip.

Iusedtobeapenguin · 10/10/2015 12:39

Leave everything on the front step and don't answer the door. Then treat yourself to a better to and furniture set. They 'win' nothing and will come to realise that. You win freedom and peace of mind

sodabreadjam · 10/10/2015 12:41

Wow - sounds like you are making the right decision to go NC if they are the kind of people who ask for (old) gifts back. Agree with others - worth handing them over just to be shot of toxic parents.

It could be that your dad will try to drag out the collection of the TV and garden furniture in an attempt to maintain some sort of contact and control.

Make sure they have a clear timescale and clear instructions about how they will be collected/delivered and don't allow any negotiation about changes.

DinosaursRoar · 10/10/2015 12:46

Agree, put them all out on the doorstep, then go out. Tell them where they are. I would include the garden furniture if you can afford to replace it, it's going to be more hassle for them to remove and store it, they "win" but at the cost of lots of hassle to themselves. They live in a flat, am I the only one who would find it funny to think of your parents trying to watch the tv with a set of old garden furniture in the way in the front room? Or cluttering up their space?

(theres good deals to be got for buying garden furniture now, many garden centres are selling off their summer stock cheaply)

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 10/10/2015 12:55

Agreed to give the other stuff back too. Then, yes in their eyes they have won, but you dont have to have anything more to do with them. Id also leave a note. "Here's your stuff including the gifts you gave me, now thanks for making me, but do not contact me again" or something

TBH from what you have said, I think that this is the easiest option. Who cares if they then think they've won. You're going NC so it doesn't really matter what they think. Pick your battles. Whether you try to keep these objects or not is not something worth trying to win TBH expecially against people who will always strive to win. Let them then you can move on with the rest of your life.

reni2 · 10/10/2015 12:58

If you can, put it all out. If you're worried about other stuff they gave you, how much is that other stuff still worth? Try to find every last old pair of socks and threadbare towel they ever gave you and put it on the pile..

Cutting contact sounds like a good idea. And yes, put it out, tell them the time it will be out and either go out before or if you worry about theft, stay in the house but do not open the door. Take care of yourself.

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2015 13:07

They can only win if it's a competition and it can only be a competition with 2 or more competitors. If you don't join in then they've won nothing

HackerFucker22 · 10/10/2015 13:32

Depends.. If you truly want to cut contact for good then give them everything that has been asked for. Otherwise you are just allowing a reason for them to contact you again in the future with a "valid" reason so to speak.

Give them everything, go NC completely and be happy.

Nydj · 10/10/2015 13:46

Alternatively, give the things that belong to you to the charity shop if you have one nearby that collects furniture and then reply to say that these items were gifts and you have given them away and the remaining items to be collected within a set time from your house after which they will be disposed off.

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