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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put up a fight about this?

122 replies

DaniBubbles · 10/10/2015 11:34

Long story short- after years of putting up with downright nasty behaviour from my parents, things have come to a head.
I am about to cut contact with them completely but my dad has phoned and told me he wants belongings from my house. Most items are rightly his e.g. camping stuff, home videos etc which I have no problem with however there are 2 items which I'm reluctant to return:

A TV (Sony 40" about 8 years old) which he paid for and gifted to me for my first flat which I have then gone on to move to another flat and eventually my house.

An outdoor table and chair set which they gifted to me from my childhood home. My parents live in a flat without a garden which leads me to believe they are just going to bin it out of spite.

Is it worth putting up a fight about this? Or should I just hand it all over and cut contact?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reni2 · 11/10/2015 16:42

Unless they have sought legal advice and believe they have a claim to the flat?

Forestdreams · 11/10/2015 16:42

Wow. Yes that is intimidating. They will fight you every inch of the way.

On the up side, you have nothing left to lose as far as your relationship with them is concerned, and you are financially independent from them.

StayWithMe · 11/10/2015 16:48

I assume they're used to you bowing to their demands so they won't think off one minute that you'll attempt to remove them from the flat? I really hope you don't back down OP. Be prepared for the sudden illness that one of your, not so dear parents, will develop. Of course you'll find some flying monkeys appearing to make you feel like the bad daughter. Stay strong.

kiggenpaws · 11/10/2015 16:54

Seriously, get them out of your flat ASAP and move on with your life. Don't have any sort of relationship with them, even landlord/tenant, because then there's all sorts of obligations you face.

Fairenuff · 11/10/2015 16:57

Tbh OP I'd give them the bbq too and the saw. In fact put all the shed contents out and tell them to take what they want. Then go no contact.

Make sure you keep any texts and ignore any further attempts to contact you, ask for stuff. This will be evidence that they had every opportunity and you complied.

It's over. They haven't got a leg to stand on. Let them spend money on soliccitors. Ignore any letters you get unless you are summonsed to court. They will lose.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 11/10/2015 17:01

StayWithMe Yes they do expect me to bow down to their commands. I have been their doormat basically my whole life. Have never said no to them until very recently. I didn't realise how dysfunction and controlling their behaviour was until my DP came into my life and I saw the fascinatingly normal relationship he has with his parents. It really opened my eyes. (Ofc as a result my parents think my DP is "poisoning me against them" and the pair of metaphorical balls I have now grown is all his fault - go figure).

Yes Forest you are right. I have absolutely nothing to lose now. I have gone way too far to back out now.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2015 17:05

I concur with no response until you get legal advice. Advice with the specific intent of either getting them out or bringing the property under some formal rental agreement. If I were you, I'd think hard and try to remember if there are any written/email/text documents that indicate that you were buying the flat specifically for them or that your name was going on the deeds in lieu of theirs for financial reasons, in other words, that you considered the flat as 'theirs' and were only putting your name on the deeds and mortgage to enable them to 'buy' it, iyswim. It may mean nothing legally, but possibly it may.

I'm in the US, but a friend of mine 'bought' a home for her in-laws. It was put in her and her husband's name as the iLs wouldn't have qualified for a mortgage. The iLs paid the mortgage company, although after about 5 years friend and her DH started paying it when her FiL retired and the iLs could no longer afford to even pay the mortgage amount. They paid no 'rent' to Friend once she started paying the mortgage. Apparently (here) it didn't matter who paid the mortgage, when it came to 'ownership', all that mattered was the name on the mortgage and the deed. Friend found that out when her BiL tried to talk his parents into selling the house a few years ago and tried to get the iLs to take Friend to court to 'prove the house was theirs'. This after Friend had been paying the mortgage for 15 years and the iLs living rent free! She took legal advice and was told that, unless there was a specific legal contract giving her iL's some type of 'interest' in the house (like a rent to buy contract) her iLs had absolutely NO ownership of or interest in the house, even if they had been paying the mortgage. Not sure if it's the same in the UK but I wouldn't be surprised.

I think your parents are just being petty to try to keep you upset and on your toes. I mean, they're now asking for things that aren't even theirs! OK, except the 'tin foil BBQ'. Don't let them get to you. Ignore, or at best send them a text to 'cease and desist' contacting you.

gamerchick · 11/10/2015 17:08

I really wouldn't give them anything else. It won't end, let them focus on these really strange things for now. They'll look odd to anyone they complain too at least.

Time to get your flat back though, don't forwarn them do it all legally. Even if it's just to reign their poison in a bit.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 11/10/2015 17:10

AcrossThePond Is it possible that they could set something like that up without my knowledge? Like idk letting the mortgage company know that the flat is going to be "theirs" one day?

I bought the flat when I was 18 and tbh the details are fuzzy now but my dad was with me at every single meeting I had with the mortgage advisor. I really wouldn't put it past him to have gone back at a later date and had something like that drawn up.

OP posts:
trian · 11/10/2015 17:12

those items are rightfully yours, it does my head in when people GIVE you things and then expect to have some say over them (unless this was a condition of the gift), idiots.

BUT BUT BUT
it's not worth the hassle, it's a small price to pay to have toxic people out of your life asap, just give them the lot and good riddance by the sounds of it!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 11/10/2015 17:13

I absolutely would not to give them anything they have no right to. That just goes back down the doormat route, and why would they stop there?

reni2 · 11/10/2015 17:16

After seeking legal advice, go through your stuff, find every single chipped saucer, twisted nail and old sock that is theirs, pile it up with the BBQ (not the saw, only their stuff) and give a pick up time like last time, along with a warning this is the last time, can they think about what else they believe is theirs and add it to the pile of shit belongings if you agree it is theirs.

Then take back your flat, but do all the contact for that via lawyers. Block their number, get your DP to read their emails re: flat and delete all others before you open the special email account set up for all this.

Jux · 11/10/2015 17:25

If the mortgage is in your name then I doubt it was legal for your dad to have any other papers drawn up without your signature. Check though, just in case.

SpaghettiMeatballs · 11/10/2015 17:26

I think the second request demonstrates that the first wasn't simply an emotional knee jerk response. I think you are very wise to get legal advice about your flat.

pluck · 11/10/2015 17:38

If you bought the flat when you were 18, did they provide any of the deposit? It doesn't necessarily matter for a sale if they did, by the way, because selling the flat is the only way you will be able to give them such "their stake" back. As for their "paying the mortgage", it's a good argument that it was in lieu of rent (you haven't been able to live there, after all). They were paying for use of the flat, and that they have had! By accepting the payments, you waived your right to use of it for that period.

I echo the advice to consult mortgage company and solicitors, with a view to "separating your and your parents' investments" (and kicking them the hell out!), and also a legal assessment of the harassment!

pluck · 11/10/2015 17:50

BTW, even if they did give you something toward the flat, they're now trying to take back all their other gifts, so watch out for the Biggest Demand: the whole bloody flat.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2015 18:11

It would be unlikely that a reputable mortgage company would do something like that, it would be highly illegal! I know here (US) everything has to be notarized and signed in front of witnesses.

He could say whatever he wants to a mortgage company or property recorder, I doubt very much that they would change anything based on that. If there are no papers signed by you (and probably notarized and/or witnessed) then he hasn't a leg to stand on, imo.

The only other concern would be whether or not your parent(s) had to sign as a guarantor (we call it a 'co-signer') on the loan papers. Here it's pretty common to have a co-signer when you are very young even if you have the money in your own right. My dad had to co-sign my first car loan, even though my income was obviously enough to cover the payment.

hedgehogsdontbite · 11/10/2015 18:27

Gosh, everything they're doing now totally validates your decision to go non-contact. Unbelievable.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 19/10/2015 14:24

UPDATE
Hi all,
Well I went to see what the situation was with the flat. It is mine in name and deeds but it turns out a note was put on the application to say my dad had to the right to contact the bank and ask questions etc. Noticed a few notes on the bank computer that he has been getting copies of statements etc sent to him. Have put a stop to that.
Now just need to decide what to do next. The last thing I want to do is sell out from under them and I know they will never agree to sign a tenancy for me. At least I know now what options I have.

Meanwhile, I have put a postbox on my gate and now my gate is permanently locked. It always, without fail, rattles as soon as DP leaves the house and last week DP caught my dad on 2 separate occasions sitting in his car outside the house staring at the gate. He will have something planned but not sure what that could be yet.

I am still NC.

Thank you again to everyone for your help and support.

OP posts:
NannyOggsHedgehogs · 19/10/2015 14:33

The last thing I want to do is sell out from under them

This is the first thing you should do. Serve them with a section 21(?) Notice to quit (hopefully someone more knowledgeable will advise on the exact procedure) and make sure you really are no contact

If an ex boyfriend sat outside staring at your flat it would be harassment btw...

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 19/10/2015 14:35

NannyOgg Funny you should do that because an ex boyfriend did exactly that to me some years ago. My dad told him he would break his legs. This irony is not lost on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaniBubbles · 19/10/2015 14:36

say that, not do that. Please don't stalk me Grin

OP posts:
Forestdreams · 19/10/2015 14:38

Thanks for the update OP, good to hear the the flat is all yours.

I hope the postbox is of the type that needs a key to get the contents out, so your dad can't help himself to your post. And I'd carry on checking the mortgage payments continue every month. All my best wishes for the future.

Topseyt · 19/10/2015 14:50

If they will not sign a tenancy agreement then would it be possible to argue that they are there without your permission? Squatters?

As a landlord I know about section 21 for signed up tenants, but nothing about otherwise.

Look into whether or not they could be deemed to be squatting, get legal advice about getting them out and go from there.