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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what would you HONESTLY think?

114 replies

Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:26

I'm 44 and a SAHM to 3 primary age children. My husband has a good job, we have a nice lifestyle and on the face of it I'm living off him to stay at home. I had a career before I had the children. Most people who know me think I'm a very fortunate housewife. As my youngest gets older I'm asked increasingly about when I'll go back to work. And here's the secret: I have a job. I have a hidden disability and my company pays me 2/3 of my salary if I'm unable to work in the job I'm employed to do, until retirement. (It's called permanent health insurance and is one of my company perks.)
Day to day I'm ok but I can't do my old job, and so that's why I don't go to work.

I don't tell anyone this in case they think I'm a malingerer or something. Tell me, what would you honestly think?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 22/06/2015 13:28

I wouldn't think anything....I'm not bothered if another woman works or not. None of my business.

FarFromAnyRoad · 22/06/2015 13:30

I also wouldn't think anything. In fact, if I ever found myself even thinking about asking someone awkward questions about their work status I'd give myself a slap about the head.

RedandYellow24 · 22/06/2015 13:30

If you are not well enough to work and your getting paid 2/3 to not work rather than push self good for you. I would not feel guilty about having a perk like that!!
I would just say to others you don't need to work, or prefer to stay at home. I'm guessing close friends know anyway and noisey stranger don't matter!

confusedandemployed · 22/06/2015 13:30

I'd think wow what a fantastic perk, where do I apply? And if you're unable to do your job you are perfectly entitled to claim on the insurance.

ItsJustPaint · 22/06/2015 13:31

Wouldn't be interested in the slightest.

Sometimes it's just a conversation starter, like are you going on holiday, what's the weather doing ?

However the fact you get 2/3 salary - now that I do find interesting - lucky you - but I know that sounds crass as you obviously do have a disability to deal with and that just sucks.

Heels99 · 22/06/2015 13:31

It won't be the company paying you it will be the insurer. Are you still employed? As in our company you wouldn't still be employed but would be continuing to receive the benefit from the insurer. They are not the same thing.
Nobody wpuld think any the less of you because you receive this benefit. When people ask when you are going back to work say you are not going back. End the speculation. Good luck to you.

mrsfuzzy · 22/06/2015 13:31

for a start you are not living off your husband, you are an sahm. it's a shame you seem to put yourself down, it does not matter what others think as long as you and your family are happy.
3 primary aged dc is a full time job in itself.

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:32

Oh good! I think I worry because I'm not overtly unwell, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
RainbowFlutterby · 22/06/2015 13:32

Wouldn't even give it a second thought. Unless I knew you through school in which case I might think "ooh - I wonder if she fancies popping for a coffee."

CinnabarRed · 22/06/2015 13:33

It sounds, from what you've written, as though you would quite like to work if you could. So, I'd feel a little sad for you because you can't do what you want to be doing.

Wolfiefan · 22/06/2015 13:33

I'd think it was none of my business. Sorry to hear of your disability though and thank goodness for that insurance.

Shodan · 22/06/2015 13:34

I wouldn't think anything either- but then, I'm a SAHM to one 7 year-old, husband in well-paid job etc. I care not one tiny little jot if people think I'm 'scrounging' off DH- we have our reasons for me not working, and don't feel the need to explain them to anyone (although if anyone was interested, I'm happy to explain.)

It's the same for you. You have your reasons, the set-up works for you as a family, it's nobody's business but your own how you live your life.

BeansInBoots · 22/06/2015 13:35

Id either say- 'not sure if / when il get back to work, there are lots more factors than having children involved!' Very few would pry further..

I'm a sahm and won't be going back to work when the dc are at school and I just say 'I'm fortunate enough to be able to stay at home' which is obviously not the situation your in.. But if they are asking then it does the job?

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 22/06/2015 13:35

No one's business but yours, op!

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:36

Heels99 that's interesting - ive been in this position for 7 years and there have been no noises about redundancy etc. My company can't terminate my contract on any grounds and the only way I'd go would be via a heft compromise agreement as the insurance company only pays the salary part, my employer covers my pension etc so Id have to be compensated for that benefit loss. So the situation continues. How would your company terminate the contract?

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 22/06/2015 13:36

I'd think wow, that's a brilliant insurance, I wonder if I could get something like that.

But few, even if you didn't have your own income, you wouldn't be living off your husband. You're a family. Money comes in, family is run, household stuff is done, children are raised... in a family there are so many 'elements' and each party doing their fair share means it's equal. If one was doing absolutely everything, THAT would be living off the other one.

tumbletumble · 22/06/2015 13:36

I would not think you were a malingerer. The benefit is covered by insurance, not company profits. No one is suffering as a result of this.

Anyone who thinks you are a malingerer is speaking out of jealousy.

lljkk · 22/06/2015 13:36

Um,, not getting it, what am I supposed to have an opinion on?

That you're on some kind of permanent disability salary granted by your old company? Lucky sausage, most people wouldn't have had that. Their problem if you're faking it, nothing to do with me.

If you said you were on disability living allowance & you seemed absolutely abled bodied, I might muster an opinion about that not seeming to make sense.

Plateofcrumbs · 22/06/2015 13:37

I would think you are lucky - not to have the disability of course, but to be fortunate enough to have access to a great insurance policy which gives you long term financial security.

Lavenderice · 22/06/2015 13:38

Personally I can't get my head around women with school age children who chose not to work, but I know that's because I base this on my own feelings and I do know people feel differently. I would silently judge them but I would never call into questions their decisions publicly.

However, you are unable to work and you are lucky enough to have this great perk, which is great!

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:39

Lljkk I couldn't fake it - as you can imagine, big insurance companies like to find ways not to pay so I've had endless tests, MRIs, investigations, been stripped to my knickers to see have I hidden anything that might affect me. But they pay out because it's real.

And yes I absolutely appear able bodied.

OP posts:
Lavenderice · 22/06/2015 13:40

Yeah, that came out wrong... My sympathies about the disability, the great bit was about the perk.

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:41

Thankyou all, that's very reassuring.

OP posts:
Heels99 · 22/06/2015 13:43

Anybody can take out income protection insurance. Some employers have it, most don't.

I am glad for you op that you have this.

Mamus · 22/06/2015 13:44

I'd be bloody pleased you weren't being shafted and left in poverty due to your condition. I'd wish more people affected by a disability had the same insurance. That's it!