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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what would you HONESTLY think?

114 replies

Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 13:26

I'm 44 and a SAHM to 3 primary age children. My husband has a good job, we have a nice lifestyle and on the face of it I'm living off him to stay at home. I had a career before I had the children. Most people who know me think I'm a very fortunate housewife. As my youngest gets older I'm asked increasingly about when I'll go back to work. And here's the secret: I have a job. I have a hidden disability and my company pays me 2/3 of my salary if I'm unable to work in the job I'm employed to do, until retirement. (It's called permanent health insurance and is one of my company perks.)
Day to day I'm ok but I can't do my old job, and so that's why I don't go to work.

I don't tell anyone this in case they think I'm a malingerer or something. Tell me, what would you honestly think?

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 22/06/2015 16:51

Honestly - I don't like to think I would judge a SAHM, but my perspective is greatly coloured by my own experience.

I was a SAHM, having given up a higher paying job when DD1 came along. Two weeks after her birth, we moved 300 miles due to exH's work. Within 2 years, we moved another twice and had DD2. At the time DD2 was born, he was having an affair with his secretary. I'd had no idea - nobody did.

He left 5 months later, and stopped paying mortgage, bills etc a month after that. I had six weeks before I ran out of money. I'd been out of the workplace for almost three years and took a job paying half my previous salary.

I vowed then never to be dependent again on someone else for income - and I worry when I hear friends give up jobs to be SAHMs. They'll say it would never happen to them. It was never going to happen to me until it did.

The OP is in a different situation and has her own income so nope - wouldn't judge at all.

TTWK · 22/06/2015 16:52

Many private firms offer various perks, company cars, private medical etc. Yours gave PHI and you made a valid claim on it. Nothing to be ashamed of and good for you. Nobody else's effing business anyway.

As for insurers not wanting to pay out, I hear this a lot but it's not my experience. A friend of mine's husband had critical illness cover and he got a very serious cancer (is there any other type?). Obviously the insurers asked for medical notes etc but paid put £350K very promptly. And he'd only had the policy for about a year!

And then he, despite expectations, made a full recovery!
Good for them I say.

It also exposes the myth that all disabled people are poor and vulnerable. Some are obviously, but many are, for various reasons, quite wealthy. Especially if they were made disabled in a non fault accident and were able to claim compensation.

TattyDevine · 22/06/2015 16:53

Lavendarice seriously, you can't get your head around women with school aged children not working?

You really think an independently wealthy woman with school aged children who need dropping off, picking up and looking after during the 3 months where school isn't on, and the 3 or more hours during the week after school finishes but before most jobs wrap up, should go and work for someone so you can get your head around them?

Hmm
TattyDevine · 22/06/2015 16:53

Personally I can't get my head around the fact that some people are that judgemental.

Radiatorvalves · 22/06/2015 16:57

I have a small medical pension having been discharged from the Forces. It does not impact me adversely...I wear specs! I am very lucky to have it, but don't usually tell people. My DH left forces years later and has a much higher pension. We are both working ... And rightly paying a lot of tax.

I don't judge you at all. Your decision. I have also had a hip replacement dur to osteo arthritis... Lots of sympathy for your situation.

EeekEeekEeekEeek · 22/06/2015 17:01

I'm sorry that happened to you olly, but sadly there are risks in everything. Once the worst has happened to you then you will always be very aware that it could, but luckily most of the time things turn out better than that. Most women who are SAHMs for any length of time won't go through what you did.

I am financially dependent on DH, and have no independent money. I know that there is a tiny chance that I could have gigantically misjudged DH and have in fact married a cockwomble, and that this does happen, but there's no way that's enough to make me retrain, reenter the workforce and start a savings pot whilst caring for a baby. It's not that I haven't considered that it might happen to me, it's that I've considered it and I find the risk to be small enough to be worth taking.

BonnieNoClyde · 22/06/2015 17:03

I wouldn't think anything. I worry about being judged myself though! I'm not very judgemental to others! You shouldn't feel you owe it to other people to meet with their own narrow set of expectations.

Do what works for you.

FadedRed · 22/06/2015 17:05

Agree with previous posters:
Not anyone else's business.
If questioned about going back to work then answer, "not at present".
If impression given that you are "kept" (iyswim) then "Private income" with emphasis on "private" as in mind your own business.
However think people are more likely to be just making conversation that judging, as so much conversation is around occupation.
Sorry about having to live with this disability.

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 17:17

pressone don't worry, I didn't read your post in that light. Smile

I think pre children, particularly when my career was everything, I probably judged SAHMs and probably working mothers too, but that was cos I was clueless! If I did go back to work I can't imagine the sacrifices that would have to take place - not necessarily financial, but just on my time as I was expected to travel quite a bit, at short notice. Without some amazing support team, that'd be impossible now.

But it's a moot point. Anyway, you all know my secret but for the rest of the world I'll stay enigmatic!

OP posts:
CatOfTheGreenGlades · 22/06/2015 17:18

I think it's no less than you deserve - you worked for that company, you are gaining from their benefits in a totally above board way, and so you should. You have a disability and I think everyone with a disability should be funded by the rest of society, in whatever way.

I'd probably tell people outright – "I do have my own income actually, a disability benefit from my previous job" but obviously that's personal and entirely your choice. But I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of and as a SAHM you're far from a malingerer anyway.

If you want to work, because it give you a separate sense of status or whatever (not knocking that, it's a big part of why I work) that's a different issue and there may be home-based things you could do. But you shouldn't feel you have to because of what people think.

CantBrainToday · 22/06/2015 17:19

My husband has an "invisable disability" as well. He is unable to do his previous job but can do some basic household stuff. How much he can do varys from day to day. If he had a benefit like this neither of us would have any qualms about taking it. You cannot do your old job but essentially you are being paid to be a sahm. I think its brilliant. Enjoy it and don't feel like you have to push yourself to do anything else.

CantBrainToday · 22/06/2015 17:20

If you CHOOSE to that's fine but sod what anyone else thinks.

BonnieNoClyde · 22/06/2015 17:21

do you follow psychology today and mind body green on fb/ I do, and there are good articles about this kind of thing exactly. I too, have to dialogue myself out of feeling judged. When I was a single parent on benefits I really had to dialogue with myself the whole time, constantly reminding myself that not everybody was judgemental, that not everybody knew my business, that most people understood... and then having ''dialogued'' a room of judgers down to maybe one judger, not over-burdened with understanding or intelligence herself, I would feel I could face the group.
I'm much, much better now! so over giving a shit! Now I work part-time and I'm asked if I would prefer to work full-time! You can't win.

lordsandladies · 22/06/2015 17:31

I'd silently wonder what your disability was. Because I have a nosy mind Grin

I wouldn't judge though, my mother was a SAHM her choice. Was nice to have her around. Don't see it as her living off dad. I couldn't do it but then neither do I have any intention of going back to full time if DCs are at school if i can help it. Part time suits me.

I would possibly be more judgey if I knew you were doing pro bono work in the same field without more detail as to why that's ok but your job isn't. I would think it unfair to the company.

But that's why its absolutely nobody else's business!

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 17:37

Bonnie I'll have a look at that.

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2015 17:38

I'd feel empathy for the fact that you had a health problem and be pleased for you that money wasn't an added stress.

Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 17:39

Lordsandladies as mentioned above i have arthritis and I can do little bits of advisory stuff because it really is only tiny bits of work at my own pace, remotely, whereas previously I was field-based and had to travel to see clients face to face.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 17:47

TTWK critical illness pays out if you're diagnosed with a particular disease - you either have it or you don't, so the payout is straightforward. Insuring someone's income is rather more complex as its over a much longer period and they have to decide the likelihood of recovery or partial recovery and will argue and even produce their own evidence to support their position. My insurer sent me to see a physio they commissioned, who was incentivised to get people off the insurer's books. Needless to say, she felt I was able to work with some minor adjustments. It was nonsense. I saw two independent highly eminent consultants, at my expense and produced scans and MRIs which supported my claim and it was upheld. I've fought very hard for this. They regularly send round an occupational therapist who tries to talk to me about retraining, which the insurer has offered to pay for, and each time I ask her what I could train as, at 44, which would enable me to replace my salary, and of course there isn't anything because Id be going in at the bottom.

I'm glad they paid out for your friend but it's a one off payment and if they thought I'd go away for £350k then they'd courier it round in cash tonight! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Flakedorreadyrubbed · 22/06/2015 20:37

Talked it through with DH and he agrees, keep schtum. I think he likes being thought of as Da Breadwinna!

OP posts:
burblish · 22/06/2015 20:45

I wouldn't think anything of it - none of my business about your finances, health etc - and I wouldn't judge you for it.

UglyBugaz · 22/06/2015 20:48

That's your business

LondonLady29 · 22/06/2015 21:14

I honestly wouldn't care, if that's one of your company perks then great. Everyone does what's best for them.

Bambambini · 22/06/2015 21:21

My kids are in school and I don't work either and am in no rush to get back to a tied down proper job, so I would think nothing of it if you are happy as things are. I guess you are entitled to the payments so again it's your business.

DamsonInDistress · 22/06/2015 21:36

I'd think jammy, jammy, jammy cow!!! Two thirds salary for doing bugger all! In an absolutely nice way. And then fairly swiftly I'd think shit how nasty of me, I wouldn't want to be disabled even for three times my salary, let alone two thirds.

I'm in a sort of similar boat. I don't work, have two kids in school, have no plans to go back but am doing a couple of very small volunteering bits. People often ask am I not looking for something more, but honestly, no, I'm not. We can afford for me to be at home, we claim no benefits whatsoever, not even child benefit, and dh is also happy with the situation. So it's no one's business but ours.