to ask what would you HONESTLY think?

[Flakedorreadyrubbed]

I'm 44 and a SAHM to 3 primary age children. My husband has a good job, we have a nice lifestyle and on the face of it I'm living off him to stay at home. I had a career before I had the children. Most people who know me think I'm a very fortunate housewife. As my youngest gets older I'm asked increasingly about when I'll go back to work. And here's the secret: I have a job. I have a hidden disability and my company pays me 2/3 of my salary if I'm unable to work in the job I'm employed to do, until retirement. (It's called permanent health insurance and is one of my company perks.)
Day to day I'm ok but I can't do my old job, and so that's why I don't go to work.

I don't tell anyone this in case they think I'm a malingerer or something. Tell me, what would you honestly think?

Honestly, if people asked me, I'd reply I'm already back, just lucky enough to do consulting work on a part time basis as jobs come along.

I would silently judge them. Really? I really don't want to get into a debate but having seen the shitty childminders we have round here I won't work until I can get something where I won't have to rely on out of school childcare. When I see the childminders up at school with their charges I think I'm glad I don't have to leave my dcs with them but I wouldn't judge anyone else's choices. Each to their own.
Op life is too short to worry about what others think of you.

That's why people have PHI. Don't feel guilty or uncomfortable because you've made a claim. Lord knows the insurance companies receive millions in premiums for these things.

pressone the policy pays me 2/3 of my basic till retirement age which I think in my scheme is 67. After that I have a final salary pension scheme which I'll have made full contribution to.
If I'm widowed my husband is heavily insured. If I die, my husband gets my Death in Service benefit and the value of my pension.

Girlsyearapart, and everyone else affected by disability, best wishes and to you! X

Sorry to add, pressone, no, I'm fortunate to have "come out" at a high level just before I had the children so it'd still be worth my while to go back regardless of childcare, plus I don't get my bonuses which I used to. That's not an option now though.

OP no ones business how you live and fund your life. Live your life do t worry about what anyone else might think!

It wouldn't cross my mind.

My friends husband has a similar insurance and also paid 2/3 of salary.

My friend sadly retired from her public sector role on health grounds at the age of 28. She gets a small civil service pension as well as PIP. I would never judge or regard her as fortunate - why? - because she has a disability. I wouldn't swap places with her.

It's nobody's business, but I don't think that you should be ashamed either.

You will need to get used to dealing with the work queries though. Folk are inquisitive! And there is a sense that sahms whose children are 11+ are idle, I've heard that myself, so be prepared for the questions to intensify when DC3 goes into Year 7.

I would think you were fortunate to have the insurance and I would be thinking about if there was something you could do work-wise when your kids were older do stop you being bored.

I'm in something of a similar position although I suspect nowhere near as generous as yours, and the circumstances a little different - the end result is pretty much the same.
When the situation began, some 15 years ago, i was almost ashamed and my solicitor railed at me 'it's no-one else's business how you pay your electricity bill fgs Springlamb'.
Now I am a figure of mystery around the village - half believe me to be a self-employed bookkeeper, the other half think I am a writer of some sort.
When it's been possible, I have worked in a voluntary capacity, everything from an old people's lunch club to a parents support group.

I would think you are very fortunate in a financial sense & be a bit envious of your lifestyle

BUT obviously not fortunate to have a disability which presumably affects your daily life if it is significant enough to prevent you working

Sagethyme after saying I would publicly say anything it would be very stupid to do so

*wouldn't say anything publicly.

I doubt anyone would say anything publicly - it's more the unsaid/misplaced envy that makes me keep it quiet.

honestly... jammy bugger, then a nano second later I would be horrified at the implication of not being able to work and beat myself about the head for stupidity. one side of my brain seems to work faster than the other.

You are fortunate that your company has insurance despite it being not at all fortunate to be in the position to need it.

I wouldn't judge anyone for being a SAHM parent to primary school aged children, regardless of the reasons as to why. I've found it much harder to juggle everything with school than I ever did when mine were at nursery. My dc's school doesn't have wraparound childcare so we have a childminder pre and post school. I don't get an awful lot of annual leave and use a fair percentage to cover sports days and so forth, emergency leave when they're ill, dc2 recently had an accident which has necessitated a few hospital appointments - all this much easier to deal with when you don't throw a job into the mix as well. That said, I work as much for my sanity as I do for the money (although the money is no small part of it), so being a SAHP isn't for me, but if you can do it and you want to do it, then why the hell not?

I was in a similar position - had PHI through work paying me not to be there. They recently (well, nearly a year ago now) offered me a lump sum payment - which I accepted.

Before that it was very confusing - do I work? No but only because I'm not well enough; did I have a job? Yes, but I'm not currently doing it (and don't get me started on the pain that was trying to get the DWP to understand that I was claiming ESA but still had an employer, didn't need "support to get back to work" - just needed to be well enough to do the job I still had, and that I was getting paid through payroll each month so still paying NI and PAYE...)

If I were you I'd say one of these things, depending who was asking and asuming you don't want to mention the disability.

1. I do consulting work from home part-time.
2. I'm retired actually.
3. I don't want to work outside the home.

None of anyone's business of course and it's great that your employment contract was professionally drawn up, generous and upheld. I know a family in this situation except it's the father who is disabled (he's an alcoholic and suffered a stroke). It's been a godsend to them.

Anyone who envies you for having a disability that prevents you from resuming a normal career is an arse and spiteful to boot.

I wouldn't keep it "secret" though.

What would I think? I would think that I wished that I had had the foresight to get a proper job with an employer who valued their staff as they should. And I would wish you well.

Flaked
Sorry I didn't intend to be nosy but to just to ensure that you had considered all the ramifications of your decision not just the here and now. Don't mean to be patronising either so apologies if it comes across that way.

I too have arthritis in my spine (upper spine) and I know how it feels to me compared to how it looks to anyone else, so best wishes to you.

I would be tempted to come up with a cover story that would legitimate my not working and avoid questions about my disability.
Something like 'I'm working on a volume of poetry' or 'I am finishing a screenplay'.
But then I always had Walter Mitty tendancies

Honestly, on the one hand, I'd think "lucky woman" and on the other I'd think "it would stress me out too much to be financially dependent on my partner".

If you told me that you had a degenerative condition but luckily had insurance in place to cover income protection then I'd think "wow, I should look into that myself" and try not to ask nosy questions about what exactly was wrong with you.

lavender I am a sahm to school age dc and have no immediate plans to return to work - I may or may not do, depending on circumstances.

Sometimes returning to work is more hassle than it's actually worth, if you don't have to for financial reasons. I have weighed up the pros and cons and at the moment decided to maintain the status quo. I'm not sure why this is worthy of silent judgement tbh - there is more than one way to live and neither choice is more 'right' than the other.

OP, I think the problem here is that people are basing their self worth (and that of others) on what they do for a living, rather than who they are, and supporting one's family at home has been devalued by a government whose sole purpose is to raise tax revenue. Sahp don't do that (although they might be helping a hrt payer to do so, but that gets ignored), so are demonised (along with benefits claimants).

I wouldn't justify myself to nosy people - none of their business frankly. Tell people you have a disability if you want to but do not feel obligated to explain. Your life is your business only.

I would feel empathetic. I'm in a similar-ish position in that I'm a SAHM & people keep asking what I did "before" & whether I'm planning on going back to work. My youngest is only 2 though. What most people don't know is that I have Asperger's & when I did try working even in a low-stress 9-5 job it was making me dizzy & utterly physically exhausted. I could probably do a job that involved data-entry type work in a room all by myself where I never had to speak to or even see anyone else while being in an environment where I felt completely comfortable & safe... Not sure there are many jobs like that though, at least none that I'd be qualified for! I come across as being of reasonable intelligence I'm actually a bit more intelligent than I let on but grew up in a school where it wasn't "normal" to be clever & now can't get rid of my ditsy blonde persona & function fairly well when I'm only out for a few hours every other day but I couldn't go to work every day & I even struggled with part-time work.

I'm hoping DH's salary will be enough for us to live a reasonably frugal but comfortable lifestyle. It has been so far & he's planning on getting another professional qualification in the next couple of years which will see his salary increase again. I'm often nervous when people ask what I did/do or if I'm going back because I know some people will judge me if I say I'm happy being a SAHM. Some people would also judge me for having ASD & I'd rather people thought I was just a bit lazy/old fashioned than avoided me altogether because of some misconception of what ASD means for me.

I must admit I would feel a teensy bit envious that you're still able to contribute to the household funds whilst not being able to work. I often feel guilty that DH has to shoulder the financial burden but, judging from how I was last time I worked full time, no amount of money would be worth coming home every night & lying on the floor for fear of rolling off the sofa & wondering why the walls were wobbling while DH had to deal with the DC all evening, only to come down & find me asleep on the floor where I'd stay until someone made me move, be too tired to eat & just go to bed. I was living at home at the time & really freaked my parents out! At least me being a financial burden means I'm capable of maintaining a relationship with my children & caring for them while DH is working!