to ask what would you HONESTLY think?

[Flakedorreadyrubbed]

I'm 44 and a SAHM to 3 primary age children. My husband has a good job, we have a nice lifestyle and on the face of it I'm living off him to stay at home. I had a career before I had the children. Most people who know me think I'm a very fortunate housewife. As my youngest gets older I'm asked increasingly about when I'll go back to work. And here's the secret: I have a job. I have a hidden disability and my company pays me 2/3 of my salary if I'm unable to work in the job I'm employed to do, until retirement. (It's called permanent health insurance and is one of my company perks.)
Day to day I'm ok but I can't do my old job, and so that's why I don't go to work.

I don't tell anyone this in case they think I'm a malingerer or something. Tell me, what would you honestly think?

OP - have skimmed through the thread, so don't really know what's being said. I have a relative in a similar position to you - except that it is a male relative. He has a hidden disability that is becoming more and more visible as the years progress. I, and the rest of our family, are nothing but thankful that his employers had the foresight to take out this insurance and thankful that he has continued to receive (in his case) a full salary now for over a decade as the money helps towards his care and towards his family. it is a way in which he continues to contribute to his household and that gives him a much needed boost in the dark hours. It also means that he continues to have pride in the fact that he is contributing to his children's education. You are in a fortunate position, in receiving this, BUT it is as a result of you losing out in many other ways.

People will judge you: I am also disabled: I lost a leg due to cancer many years ago, but these days, unless you know me v well all you will see is a woman who prefers to wear trousers/long skirts. People will come to their own conclusions about your life based on ignorance and prejudice but, really, at the end of the day, their opinions don't count. You are doing the best you can do in a shitty situation. That's all that really matters: everyone else can go to hell.

I know exactly what I would think, as I have a friend who has the same type of benefit. When she told me I thought, in this order:

'That's bloody brilliant. It's a shame this can't be funded by every employer.'

And:

'I wish I'd had this benefit [can't work full-time due to after-effects of cancer treatment] but I wouldn't want to live X's daily life with her condition.'

A friend of ours is in a similar position, but her invisible condition is she had a stroke in her late 20s. Insurance pays her salary too. Close friends know, most people don't. Works well for her - she gets support from her mates but the rest of the world is oblivious.
She also has similar problems with insurance - every few years they will follow her to see if they can catch her working. And she has to prove over and over again the permanent loss of function through endless tests. That's really grim.

"occassionally do a bit of advisory/pro bono stuff, so I get asked mostly by other SAHMs from school when I'm going back. And of course the answer is secretly never. "

Why secret? Why not say "I can't work more than a bit of dabbling in freelance because of my back problems."

How you manage your finances otherwise is your business.

I'd be bored witless if I didn't work (I was bored witless when I didn't work).

TTWK critical illness pays out if you're diagnosed with a particular disease - you either have it or you don't, so the payout is straightforward. Insuring someone's income is rather more complex as its over a much longer period

Yes OP, I am fully aware of the difference between PHI and CII. I only referenced it as someone else trotted out the "Insurance rarely pays out" line which is clearly not true. If you have the cover and have been honest when disclosing the facts at inception, they will pay out.

On PHI, it's usually only provided by large firms who are paying the insurance co a % of eligible employees salary. Claims a pretty rare and when they do occur, are usually on older staff so the payout is for less time.

I bet the premium your employer pays them still outstrips the monthly claim payments made to you and any others who have claimed.

It's a business and everyone wins. People like you get valuable protection, the employer can use it to attract the best staff, and the insurers will usually make a profit. What's not to like?

Those schemes are great - wish every firm had them- stop judging yourself op

I fucking hate how mean people can be about peoples choices - that's all I am saying !

Kind of don't understand all the secrecy though ? None of my business op but why not just tell the truth ?

Yes, I'd be wondering why you didn't pick up one of these interesting , easily available , well paid jobs that you can do 9.30-2.30 , term time only with days off without notice for child illness .

Or not .

I've got school-age kids, and two jobs, and a husband with an inflexible job. Life now is far, far harder than it was when my children were little and all I had to think about was dropping them at childcare every day. The only feelings I have about SAHMs is envy!

OP, I'd think your set-up is brilliant (apart from the arthritis, obviously).

I wouldn't overthink it too much. As long as you are happy and it works for your family, don't worry about what other people think. I spend my days goofing around with my horse and dogs now the kids are in school...I don't feel guilty about it at all. The years when I was working/using daycare and then home alone with three-under-five were almost the end of me; the hardest thing I've ever done. We're comfortable now and I feel like it's OK to just do the things that make me happy while they're in school.

I'd think what a fantastic company you used to work for. I'd probably tell people you have a disability that means you are not able to work. I have a serious health condition that I have always underplayed. I've had major surgery recently and posted updates on Facebook - people who know me have been do surprised how serious things are. I'm typing this from hospital after my 4th op this year and only get ssp so my final thought would be how fantastic of your employers. I wouldn't go into fact you have income.

That sounds amazing. I have a similar back issue and have no cover, sadly the wording of disability benefits means constant pain but able to walk/dress myself (even if it causes pain) isn't enough. The only thing is whether you are happy being home. Are there conditions whereby you can't do some part time work if you felt able? I find the idea of never going back to work really depressing, not for the money as we are doing well with DH's salary only, but for self esteem and not wanting to accept my back is stopping me having a normal life - I was 29 when it began. I've started volunteering recently but jump into bed with the electric blanket once home :( Altbough the impact on parenting is the worst bit, the extra money could really help get some extra support as needed.

I'd think you were bloody lucky to have worked for an employer that provided this insurance which I know is not paid out on lightly....and good luck to you!