to ask for ideas to make MILs visit unpleasant

[underthegardengate]

I have recently reached a point of no going back hatred towards my narcissistic MIL after many years of being intimidated by her and letting her get away with being nasty. We are dreading the visit but DH is not able to cope mentally with telling her not to come (still afraid of her), so she has to come. But to humour myself and make it more bearable, I want to make her stay as awful as possible. Please help me think of ways to make it as dreadful for her as possible.

Oh I just don't think that's a good idea. What you should be doing is focusing on how to deflect her...how to stop her from making awful comments....could you agree with DH that if she is offensive, you tell her to leave?

If not, then I would personally ignore her entirely. Don't cook for her or socialise with her...make DH do it alone. it's his Mother.

But won't that make it worse for you and cause friction with your DH?

You want to make it so she is horrible for the whole visit?

Personally I would be polite but not overly friendly. Trying to make her have an outburst isn't going to help anyone and will end up with getting the blame. From her and possibly from dh. If he is too scared to say 'don't come' then he is likely to feel you made this worse.

What a pointless and destructive exercise. Perhaps your husband could get help with his feelings about her or you should tell her she isn't welcome and why. I can't imagine why indulging in game playing would make the visit more bearable.

You sound lovely op.

You need MIL Bingo to help see you through. Make a list of the awful behaviours she is likely to display, tick each one off as she does it.

I'm sure your presence alone will be enough.

Negative and vindictive and a bit cowardly.

What is wrong with people?

Yep it's his mother so he needs to be the main contact so to speak
Deciding what to do where yo go and even what to eat watch on TVs etc
Excuse yourself from the room whenever possible with excuses of doing the washing cleaning working dcs etc I'm sure you can think of more
Go out with your friends, got to just pop out to get some milk and take longer just be occupied and always defer to dh when she asks something

I'm not a horrible person, honestly. I just cannot stand her and the way she manipulates the family. The thought of her coming fills me with dread. She is so judgemental she makes me on edge and anxious about doing things the 'right' way and if the dc are behaving themselves. Just looking for ways to help me no let her get to me so much.

I think you need to absent yourself for the whole visit, don't reward her behaviour. If you are 'horrible' or create drama or an atmosphere, this just escalates the situation. So either go away for a few days, or if this is not possible, go out all the time and return only to sleep. Do not involve yourself in any catering, laundry or other tasks related to the visit. If you see mil in the house, limit yourself to a brief, polite greeting and move on.
My mil is not permitted in our home anymore (I will not tolerate her verbal abuse and manipulation).
You need to make your Dh aware that by putting his mother and her behaviour at higher priority than his own and yours, this risks your marriage. (And I don't say that lightly)
Do you have dc? If so, you and Dh need to think even more carefully if you want them to be subject to mil's behaviour.

I always play mil bingo whenever we visit or mil visits us. Never fail to get a full house.

Pronounce her name wrong.
The weakest tea possible without just being miky water.
No toilet roll in toilet (hide it or take your own in)
Put her shoes in the bin, pretend dog did it.

Can you tell I don't subscribe to the mumsnet code of ethics

Go stay someplace else.

But by doing this you are trying to manipulate her. And the people who will have to deal with the fall out is your family. You, your dh and kids. Why is it ok for you to do it, but not her?

She sounds unpleasant, but either she doesn't come or you don't engage with her. Why put yourself on her level?

I accidentally put my narc MIL off her entire meal when they came to stay. I'm planning on doing this again, see how she likes spending the whole weekend hungry like I usually do at theirs. I usually go hungry as her food hygiene is non-existent I'm not playing Russian roulette with meat joints thats been on the side for four days and her cooking is 'dated' boils green beans for an hour . My offense? How did I stop her eating a whole meal that I knew she would like? I had garlic mayonnaise on my plate. After we finished she announced 'the chicken was to garlicky and she couldn't eat it', except she clearly hadn't even tried it as there was no garlic on it only salt and pepper. Rude fucker can fuck right off. I dream about deliberately doing stuff, you know in return for all the things she does, but I'm better than her and will just keep it to dreams except the garlic.

I think I'd tell her not to come if DH wasn't in a place to do it. If DH feels he should see her, then I'd suggest she stays locally at a hotel and DH goes out to meet her.

If you are thinking of being horrid to her, she is already "getting to you".

Treat her visit just like a visit. Who cares if she has an opinion about whatever - doesn't have to change what you do or how you do it. If she is nasty - tell her she can go home, you will not have your kids subjected to nastiness. Don't just put up with it, call her out on it every single time - sounds like there is nothing to lose in the "relationship" with her, so why not?

A previous lover's mum was a judgemental meany - a lot of "hmmm, I don't agree, good job we are all different" etc.. took place during every visit.

Don't be unkind, but get to DH to step up and do much more. And make plans in advance to spend time out of the house without her each day. Would she babysit DC and give you and DH a night out?

Also my GM was a total narc, vile horrible woman. My Mum never bit. As soon as I was old enough I simply didn't see her, she died a few years ago, I've never cried, I didn't go to the funeral, Dad never even asked if I was going to his DM's funeral. I remember what she did. All that attention seeking for all those years got her ignored, best revenge.

I am fortunate in our situation as mil is local and has no need to come and stay. Dh did go NC for a few months but then fil died and he resumed contact. Mil if anything has got worse. Fil did enable/egg her on for definite. But now she has more time on her own to fester and manipulate.

Seriously, your Dh is part of the issue, if he won't deal with the situation through fear then you and he need to communicate properly and work out a way forward. I do sympathise, but this issue will put a real strain on him, you and your relationship.

I wish I could miss the whole visit but I just cannot put DH through that and the explaining of where I am etc. MIL and SIL would have a field day and DH would get the brunt of it. I'm afraid I just have to put up with it. I suppose I want her to feel as bad as she makes me feel and punish her for treating DH so badly and ignoring our dc. I know that is lowering myself to her level but it will be so hard to let it go over my head.

Itchy powder?
Drop a glass of wine on her head(not on purpose obviously).
Put salt in her tea instead of sugar.
Pretend that you're praying to demons.
Put stinky fish under her bed.
Watch MTV non-stop.

Or just tell her that she's not welcome.

if you want to be really horrible, show her this thread

What does your Dh plan to do in the future or will he choose to risk his dw's and children's well being just because he can't cope mentally with standing up to her?
Perhaps he would consider some therapy?