to ask for ideas to make MILs visit unpleasant

[underthegardengate]

I have recently reached a point of no going back hatred towards my narcissistic MIL after many years of being intimidated by her and letting her get away with being nasty. We are dreading the visit but DH is not able to cope mentally with telling her not to come (still afraid of her), so she has to come. But to humour myself and make it more bearable, I want to make her stay as awful as possible. Please help me think of ways to make it as dreadful for her as possible.

underthegardengate don't worry about the nasty comments. People don't realise unless they have a mil like this. You can be as nice and kind as mother Theresa and she will still manipulate, lie, nasty under handed comments. I feel for you. I make the visit as quick as possible. In your situation, can you leave her with your dh? I like the bingo idea! I need to try that one. for you and maybe have her favourite alcoholic drink, then she can get drunk and hopefully be more pleasant.

Narcissism is a menal health problem you are looking for ways to get you through a visit of a mentally ill person lovely or maybe she isnt a narc just you dont like her very much stand up to her if she is so bad your DH sounds wet this is the woman who raised him if she is so negative dont have her in your house.

Narcissism is a menal health problem
Really? Being a self absorbed selfish bitch who always puts themselves before their own DC and GC is something they should get sympathy for?

This problem won't go away until it is faced head on. Your DH needs to handle it. Fighting nasty with nasty is counter productive and a bad example in front of children.

"Narcissism is a menal health problem"

No, narcissism means you are an asshole.

ITYM Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a different thing, a mental health problem where you keep behaving like an asshole.

Personality disorders aren't mental health problems in and of themselves. They're personality types. Often associated with mental health problems but not always.

well, they are considered as mental health issues by the American Psychiatric Association ... the APA DSM V does consider them a psychiatric disorder. iirc the World Health Organisation's International Classification of Diseases (ICD 10) does too, though I haven't checked for sure.

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a different thing, a mental health problem where you keep behaving like an asshole" is as good a working summary as any =)

OP, you are going to make yourself even more miserable and possibly do serious damage to your mental health if you pursue this course of action. Revenge is very unhealthy and won't in the long run improve anything. I'm staggered that you can't see how vindictive and - well, evil your OP is. Do you really want to be this person? I'm sure you're not a bad person but this is definitely one way to start down that road and cause huge suffering to your family, not to mention alienating your husband. Be the bigger person.

My post has nothing to do with not realising how difficult in-laws can be, by the way. In fact I would say that I've found out the hard way that hatred is like drinking poison and hoping somebody else dies. Try and be there as little as possible - or even leave the house altogether to stay with a friend? But don't eat yourself up.

This has been extremely helpful - thanks so much for all the fantastic advice. I am so glad I posted here. I can totally see why some people think I am horrible, but this woman has hurt me and my family so much over the years and I have given her so many chances. The bingo is a great idea and I shall get lots of wine in. We will do stuff we as a family enjoy - not stuff we think she will like because she never enjoys anything. Apart from that I will try to rise above her nastiness.

Ive watched a few mil style tv programmes so my suggestions are not from RL but if you have small kids ask her to babysit but ply them with sugar first so that they are hyper . Got this from Desperate Housewives. She'll be leaving a few days early after that

My own MIL is lovely but my GF is a horrible, horrible man so I do understand that some people are vile and nothing you do improves them...in the end point scoring or keeping them at bay is the sanity saver. If he came to stay I'd serve him tiny portions, put itching powder in his bed and put some sort of car alarm style thing in his room to go off ALL night, making sure I wore ear plugs.

I'd get DH to find huge horrible garden spiders and put them in her room then refuse to deal with them as terrified.

Honestly I'd never do any of these things but it amused me thinking them up!

I think there would be a degree of smug satisfaction in sticking her tooth brush in the loo or wiping your dh's dirty pants on her pillow or licking the edge of her mug/fork or spitting in her tea .......

I'm so childish ....

OP get stuck in, she sounds awful! 'Rising above it' doesn't work for women like that; she will think it is a green light to behave worse, and you will feel like an uncomfortable guest in your own home.

SHE is the uncomfortable guest in YOUR home...make it that way. I assume you also want her never to stay again....so make it unappealing...slightly skanky looking sheets, dodgy rough stained towels, tiny bit of loo roll left, awful pillow, bedroom window locked open or shut (whichever will offend her more), big black pubic hair on loo seat, big floating poo in loo, awkward silence whenever she enters the room, nothing she ever wants on the TV (never let her have the remote), wrong milk in fridge, wrong teabags, wrong wine, children burst in on her in shower and point and laugh, lots of kids noise very early in the morning...

As you can see...I don't sign up to the mature approach. I bet you have tried plenty of that already anyway. I don't think your OP is evil at all, I think it is you doing your best to keep a sense of humour about an upcoming stay that you are naturally dreading.

Invite your DH's MIL at the same time, they can neutralize each other.

If you're going for out and out mean (and I've mentioned this in a revenge thread before...) run deep heat into her underwear. Then wash.

The itchy burning remains in the pants for a couple of washes.

I'm surprised at the number of posters who say leave the DC with her. I'd never do that to mine, poor things, not until they are old enough to stand up for themselves. I watched open mouthed as MIL, a sacked retired MW lay on the sofa holding DC1 a few weeks old whilst her clearly jealous dog was trying to get over her from the other end of the tiny sofa yapping towards my newborn as she half heartedly batted this muzzle away. If the dog had actually reached my newborn, and it's teeth were at times inches away, she wouldn't have been able to separate the two by standing up, well watching her normally trying to get up off the sofa brings the phrase 'beached whale' to mind, it takes a while. It hasn't got any better, the dc are just a bit older, but not old enough. Obviously it's my fault the dc don't like dogs.

There's some really nasty and vindictive stuff going on here. It disturbs me because some of it is borderline sadistic.

The sensible thing to do is say you can't have her to stay and keep saying it, rather than invite her and then revel in torturing her.

I'm sure she's horrible and has behaved badly, but there is just an element of enjoyment in all the cruelty towards her and i just find that very uncomfortable.

And all because the DH is scared of his mum.

Dear me, just tell the auld bat to 'do one'

Phone her and tell her she is not welcome in your home.
Tell her why.
Tell her that your DH is too gutless to step up but that she absolutely won't be allowed past your front door.
Honesty is the best policy and you have a right to decide who enters your home.

You do know that if she is that toxic and manipulative getting a reaction out of you is either a conscious or unconscious (if she is in denial re her MO) 'reward'? If you 'reward' behaviour it continues/escalates.

Try reacting differently - it CAN change the dynamic. You can laugh - always a good one with people who think they are God or you can ignore, another good one. Or, you can change subject (not as effective IMO as instigators are often persisitent). Or you can suddenly find something you forgot to do in another room (another good one). Years of exp. with toxic DM ... trust me the first two work best. (leaving room leaves you open to twisting it into 'storming off' if you play it too sudden/serious).

Hum tunelessly just loud enough to be annoying. When my FIL is saying crazy narrow stuff I daydream about holding court w made up rants of my own "...food additives it's food additives... scorched up to buggery... cheap replacement parts... illegal downloads... student loans... "

Focus on making it bearable for you instead. Just remember her opinion is completely worthless, and should not matter to you. Carry on absolutely as you would if she were not judging you. Laugh at any bitchy judgy comments. Treat her like a distance acquaintance, just ignore the bile.

Just ask yourself

What would Jesus do ? Op

Jesus did not have a MIL