to ask for ideas to make MILs visit unpleasant

[underthegardengate]

I have recently reached a point of no going back hatred towards my narcissistic MIL after many years of being intimidated by her and letting her get away with being nasty. We are dreading the visit but DH is not able to cope mentally with telling her not to come (still afraid of her), so she has to come. But to humour myself and make it more bearable, I want to make her stay as awful as possible. Please help me think of ways to make it as dreadful for her as possible.

Ok op here what you do- listen carefully...

The night before your MIL gets here, you go down to your local Zoo, break in under cover of darkness- steal the biggest Orangutan you can fucking find (you can lure them outta there once you have the cage open with Doritos, just make sure they are ORIGINAL flavour, or you don't wanna know what will happen...)

Get the Orangutan into your house, don't ask me how to get DH on board with this, thats not my problem, you just gotta get him to accept the Orangutan is part of the happy family unit now.

So once your MIL gets here, you act like everything is totally normal. Little does she know you have a brand new house guest sharing her room. When you show her in, ignore the Orangutan sitting on her bed until she brings it up. Then casually explain that he is staying here a few weeks (he's just dropped out of uni and needs to get his head straight or some shit like that.)

Wherever your MIL goes, the Orangutan goes. make this clear to her from the beginning. He shares her toiletries, he uses her hairbrush, he wears her clothes and underwear. When you make dinner, he sits next to her at the table (non negotiable) and encourage her to make polite conversation.

You treat the Orangutan like one of the family; he goes out on trips with you, your DC skip merrily down the road holding hands with him. If your MIL dares to question things, just tell her shes really out of order to ask- hes going through a rough time now and just needs the support of your loving family.

If she manages to last the whole trip, make sure that when shes leaving, you dress the Orangutan up in your DH's best shirt and tie and stand there at the front door holding his hand and fucking waving as she drives away. A few days after the visit make sure you text her to say your other house guest really enjoyed her visit and he can't friggin' wait for her to come back and stay.

You'll never see her again. AND you have your furry orange friend to thank for that.

Your husband won't tell her not to come so you do it. It's your home too and it's your life she's affecting. Call her and tell her she's not welcome. Stop playing games, life's too short.

That would make a great comedy sketch, ollie!

Poor you, op. I think you're better off playing with a straight bat, otherwise you are giving her genuine ammunition against you. So be polite towards her and a good host, but make it clear that her opinion means nothing to you. Pull her up on any snide comments she makes. Just think of her as as silly woman who has no impact on your family. Good luck!

I think once you've agreed a date for someone to visit, you host them with good intentions.

You don't want her to come? Then you need to say no, or be vague about arrangements.

Trying to think of ways to purposely make someone uncomfortable just makes you not seem very nice.

I understand......
Don't get her 'special' drink in.
Manage to offer to make a drink when she is in the loo etc.
Make meals, if you want to and what you would like.

I think Fenella is right, being nice will piss her off more than anything else.

I use to have raging rows with MIL trying to defend my pov/'win' an argument when I knew I was right.

Now I just detach, look at her blankly & refuse to bite.

We get on a lot better these days (touch wood).

You just tell your DH she is not welcome in your home.

You tell her not to come because she is not welcome in your home.

It really is that simple.

Fighting fire with Fire with these types of oroe just lowers you to their level. You will never win. Ever. You just need to step out of the game. When you do that it's over.

ollie the trouble is that could backfire, then you end up with an orangutan as FIL.

ggggllll

I seriously considered that eventuality, but then I read that the OP mentioned her MIL is a narcissist. Narcissists CANNOT get on with Orangutans in any way, shape or form- because they are too selfless and compassionate. Believe me there is so freakin' way MIL will warm to the Orangutan. Her brain isn't wired that way.

Trust me this is the ONLY way to go here.

• actually you may have a point there, although to be sure you stymie any possible relationship, consider supplying her with a DVD or two to watch with the orangutan when you go out. Something like "Monkey Planet" should be oook.

Turn the radiator up in her room and the room beneath it. Have v loud sex. Tiny portions of food. Serve only the broken biscuits. Make bad tea or coffee. Turn on the other taps when shes in the shower. Give her a tiny towel that is scratchy. Fart obnoxiously. And belch as loudly as you can. pick your nose.

Or kill with kindness. but i know which is more fun.

Or...if your local zoo doesn't have orangutans....

Just go about your day. Don't take time off work. Don't change routine.

What's that mil? You want to go out to dinner in Tuesday? No sorry that doesn't work for me I have gym/yoga/book club/unicorn hunting then. You go with dh.

What's that? The beach in Saturday? No sorry can't, already have plans with [friend].

This is my plan when mil is here in August. I'm new at work so an last on holiday rota so couldn't get August (shame). And my friends have already invited me to things. And will invent crises' if necessary.

Other than that. Just smile. And ask. Her to repeat everything she says. Well anything nasty anyway. This is what I do now. What's that mil, I hadn't quite heard you. Say it again will you but louder so the whole table can hear you calling me a money grabbing cunt

Sounds a bit like my mil op. I find wine helps! Find things to do elsewhere in the house so that you spend minimal time with her then go to bed early I count the days until my il's go home (they stay with us about six times a year for a week at a time and it's hard work - I've never felt comfortable in their presence).

OP sadly I know where you are coming from. My way of dealing with similar situation has been to say little, go off into parts of the house she can't venture without being nosey and reappear as and when it suits. Leave DH to it, it's his problem really. Polite throughout though so I can't be blamed for being unwelcoming.

Oh dear! I hope I'm nothing like that!

Just think of her as as silly woman who has no impact on your family.

But she does have an impact on OP's family.

A massive impact.

Of course they are going to do what MIL wants during the visit because that's what OP's dh wants. Neither of them can say no to her.

If you fight fire with fire, the whole world burns..

You'll not win against a narc - they thrive on this shit. Having fantasies of revenge is normal but in real life you need to take the moral high ground and find coping strategies. Avoidance, deflection, humour and having a safe space to retreat to are good ideas. Mil bingo is a good one that can be played out without anyone noticing.

Most crucially, she's your husband's mother! HE needs to be dealing with her. Why are you having to take the brunt of this?

Please op you wouldnt achieve anything. Be the grown up here. Just be polite and pleasant and ignore any nasty comments as that says more about her than you. Feel sorry for her that she cant help being nasty. (Rushes off to hug my mil whos sorry mn lovely)

DH needs to pull up his big boy pants.

In practical terms, 'oh I'm so glad you're here, me and DH have a ticket to the theatre tonight and we've got a meal organised for the two of us tomorrow, then the next night we promised we'd visit our friends...so good of you to babysit...' Kill with kindness - and not letting her get a word in. Stick stuck? The slightest hint of sun then get the bbq out and invite friends over, never try and be alone with her or leave him alone.

Pretend you're all ill with a vomiting bug? Most passive tactic ever but she'd have to stay away.

Right what MIL does when I visit is:

Serve tiny portions
Refuse to turn the hot water on unless guests ask for a shower
Be shocked that guests would want a shower in the morning
Give her smelly, clearly used towels
In the winter, refuse to turn the heating on except in one tiny room
Make sure there aren't enough seats to go round in that room
Make her bed with only a sheet and a bed throw and hide the blankets
Shout loudly "what? We're out of bread again?" In front of guests
Sigh loudly "food goes so quickly when you visit" as above
Criticise every single thing she does and says, her taste, place of birth, parenting, etc and take the opposite POV to her, even with matters that you have no idea about
Serve food she's allergic to as you know pretty down well MIL, you do it every single sodding time
Yell at her when she doesn't put those flowers in that vase fast enough
Refuse to do her laundry
Impose your plans and expect her to entertain your visitors
If she cooks a meal, feed crap to the children to ensure they don't eat dinner (and say "you can't expect them to eat THAT" with a disgusted face)
Etc

I could never be so awful to a guest family or not, so I'd keep out of MIL's way and just keep conversation to minimal, polite exchanges. Refusing to engage with somebody speaks volumes IMO.

You wouldn't put up with anyone else treating you badly so why do so for your MiL? Being upfront and honest without playing passive-aggressive games is the only way to deal with her.

Be welcoming but as soon as she is rude, tuts, sighs or whatever call her on it. As soon as she is downright rude tell her to pack her bags and not come back. This is then your reason for going NC and will give you and DH time to breathe and for him to seek help for the damage she's done to him.

Don't hide behind silly games of revenge, being open and upfront is incredibly liberating.

Kill her with kindness is the best option in my view.

That way you get to keep the moral high ground, and if you're bitched about you have a full and proper defence.

And it's much more fun... I know because I've tried it with family members of my own. The pleasure when you can see that they're hopping mad with you, and can't say a thing about it because you've been nothing but polite and considerate, is tremendous.

I made my MILs visit horrible for her unintentionally by only having wholegrain bread and cooking fish for dinner, a lot.

I did not realize she could eat neither.