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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for ideas to make MILs visit unpleasant

112 replies

underthegardengate · 16/06/2015 14:10

I have recently reached a point of no going back hatred towards my narcissistic MIL after many years of being intimidated by her and letting her get away with being nasty. We are dreading the visit but DH is not able to cope mentally with telling her not to come (still afraid of her), so she has to come. But to humour myself and make it more bearable, I want to make her stay as awful as possible. Please help me think of ways to make it as dreadful for her as possible.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 16/06/2015 14:44

Honestly the best way to handle it is NOT to be nasty.

Nasty she knows. Nasty she's skilled in. Nasty she knows how to respond to.

What you need to do is to be nice. Polite. Calm. Disinterested. Act like you don't notice much less care about her nastiness. You find it slightly amusing in a neutral way. She is of so little importance to you and your family that nothing she does can touch you.

That will annoy her FAR more than anything else you could do. And there will be nothing she could say. I mean - under was nice and polite to me? Under treated me with courtesy?

She made such kind of complaints and people would think she was off her rocker.

reni1 · 16/06/2015 14:45

Best thing to do is act normal, nothing is more unpleasant to narcs. Assume she means well even if you know better. Do not bite, if she gets nasty just say "Oh dear, MIL, that was an unpleasant thing to say". Shower your dcs with attention and make sure everything is as YOU not she would have it.

Losingmyreligion · 16/06/2015 14:50

I think you need strategies for dealing with her in the long term rather than upsetting her this visit. Ignore anything she says or does that you don't like. If she goes way OTT, tell her in no uncertain terms, but calmly, what the rules are in your home.

TwerkingSpinster · 16/06/2015 14:53

OK..I like fennelas approach. I would up it to actively and loudly forgiving her for every minor slight. Sainted martyrdom. If you can manage to bless her with your hand on her head pope style you get 100 mn points.

Scaredycat3000 · 16/06/2015 14:54

To be honest I've started to bite and it really is backfiring, but OH is in deep FOG still so no support. If you really want to do something not just dream maybe reverse some of the more subtle things?
For me that would be making up the whole bed except the bottom sheet, so that you have no way of noticing until you are getting into bed after the long journey. Storing things under the mattress so you spend an hour wondering why you are falling out of bed before working it out. Never offer you a drink or food unless it's a meal.
You have to be subtle or she will tell her friends how horrible you are and they will agree with her and she will feel you are the baddie.

MissBattleaxe · 16/06/2015 14:54

When is your DH going to learn to deal with his own mother instead of making his wife do it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2015 15:02

That's a terrible idea and will not work.

Act normally around her and be prepared to throw her out.

You should know that it is simply not possible to have any sort of relationsip with a narcissist.

Also if your DH is deep in FOG then he needs to see a therapist regarding his dysfunctional mother. He cannot just leave all this for you to not deal with either.

Who invited her in the first place?. You, he?. Honestly both of you need to now raise your all too low boundaries and start saying no to this rotten woman who has blighted both your family life for so long. Say no to this visit, tell her she cannot visit.

Quartermass · 16/06/2015 15:03

She will want to spend time with the family, so make sure that that is passive time, where she can't do any damage. So take the whole family to the cinema, ask her to take the children swimming or to the playground or to a soft play (you'll get a break), ask her to go shopping with you and then go in separate directions and just meet up at the end, and so on.

Icimoi · 16/06/2015 15:03

Surely the best tactic is to pull her up, politely but firmly, immediately each and every time she says something judgmental or unpleasant? Make sure your DH agrees to back you up all the way.

MrsMarigold · 16/06/2015 15:09

Seriously this will lead to bad karma. She is your OH's mother and he probably loves her.

Can't you speak to her when she arrives, do it tactfully and say you understand that you have different ways of doing things and seeing the world but so please can both try to try to be respectful of each other's opinions. Also worth mentioning that you don't want to make it tricky for DH because he means the world to both of you.

Politeness gets you far

morelikeguidelines · 16/06/2015 15:11

Mil bingo is a good plan. I do this re a friend of a friend who I find difficult , I play "Mary bingo" (not her real name) and tell dh about it later!

aprilanne · 16/06/2015 15:29

be super sweet .i do this to my mil i detest the woman she knows it but what can she say when i am always smiling at the old cow

MNpostingbot · 16/06/2015 15:33

Just to say you appear a horrible person and no surprise she doesn't like you.

Are their children (other than you) involved in this? If so even more nasty points for letting your own narcissism impact on their relationship with GP

StarsInTheNightSky · 16/06/2015 15:34

Agree with the +100 points for a Pope style blessing, you must do this, and report back . 1000 if you can do it more than three times during her visit.

Lavenderice · 16/06/2015 15:36

I think that given you accept that your DH is not capable of speaking to her then you should step up and support him by having the discussion yourself. Allowing her to come and then treating her in a vile manner makes you just as bad as she is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/06/2015 15:37

There is no point in trying to make her visit unpleasant as she will doubtless turn it back on you both in fine style.

What you can do though is refuse to pander to her demands, treat her as though she is one of the regular family and let her get on with it.

To make yourself feel better about her sniping, I agree the "bingo" idea is a good one, takes the sting out and allows you to retain some sense of humour - but you can't go out of your way to make her stay unpleasant because that will rebound on you in ways you can't even begin to think about now. :(

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/06/2015 15:38

Just to add: one thing I have learnt is that you can't "out-nasty" these people, because there are no depths too low for them to plumb in order to "beat" you.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/06/2015 15:42

It's true, it's impossible to beat them at their own game. They are always prepared to ramp up the passive aggressive unpleasantness to a level you cant compete with OR turn on the ''woe is me - i'm so lovely and unappreciated, at least my friends love me'' shite which begs an apology. Unless you are hard as nails.

OP. Just rise above it and polish up the 2 of you's coping stratergies. Take it on as a team.

ilovechristmas1 · 16/06/2015 16:13

just thinking of making her stay as unpleasant as possible makes you sound vindictive and frankly nasty

either be honest and all air your views or contact her and tactifully (if you c
an manage that) tell her not to come

i can honestly say becoming a MIL scares the hell out of me after reading so many threads on here

yomellamoHelly · 16/06/2015 16:21

Just detatch. Get along with your life as if she wasn't there. No bigging her up with the kids. No fancy trips you wouldn't have otherwise done. No putting off of chores that need doing ....... Up to her to put in some foot work to make herself noticed.

googietheegg · 16/06/2015 16:23

It's v tricky. My mil is also v good at the constant subtle put down, the smirk, the sigh...it's fucking tiring. It's never anything so bad that my Dh will call her out on it (or she does it when he's out of earshot) but it's enough to make me dread her visits. She also sent me an email after her last visit to say what a lovely time she's had getting to know dd better. Er, when? Those scant two minutes to played with her reluctantly? In between sitting on the Internet and waiting for seven-month pregnant mug me to make your meals?!?

Fairenuff · 16/06/2015 16:25

DH is not able to cope mentally with telling her not to come

And you think he will cope with you being spiteful and nasty to her for your own amusement?

Stratter5 · 16/06/2015 16:25

MIL Bingo to see you through the ordeal, and kill her with kindness. 'Bounce' her, be unfailingly cheerful. Don't stoop to her level, and be nasty.

RolyPolierThanThou · 16/06/2015 16:26

Don't do nasty. She will beat you with experience.

Stand up for yourself. Don't give in to tantrums. Brief your dh about anticipating tantrums and maybe have a code word to remind him not to pander and then help your dh to laugh about his mother once she's gone. Mil bingo can help to lighten the mood for you.

Being nasty back is pointless, will drain you and reflects badly on you. You get a better view from the moral high ground.

FarFromAnyRoad · 16/06/2015 16:26

OP read Fenella's post further up, then read it again, then learn it off by heart and then do it.
As for the people calling you horrible - is that really necessary? It's clear the OP is absolutely dreading the visit because her MIL is a deeply unpleasant woman. Why the need to call the OP horrible? That's just gratuitous band-waggoning and makes the commenter look like a bit of a twat IMO

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