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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more board from 22 year old son?

111 replies

tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 21:51

Hi everyone

I've read the board for ages but have registered to ask a question as I really don't feel I'm being unreasonable but my son (22) does and it's causing arguments.

He's just started a new job and I've found out he's earning £200 per month less than me, with him earning 1100 per month.

I pay everything, all the household bills, he pays nothing.

Until this new job, which was around 800 p/m he's been paying 20 per week board which includes everything - food, all utilities, rent, internet etc and I do all his washing, ironing, make his packed lunch for work. He doesn't do any chores in the house, maybe changes his bed a couple of times a month but invariably I end up doing it all as I can't stand mess and clutter, dishes in the sink etc - I accept that's my problem, I can't even have a cushion out of place so I don't expect him to clean/tidy to my standards but would like more help with taking the bin out, putting washing in etc.

He makes his own meal of an evening and is generally tidy, just not as tidy as me lol. He really is a lovely lad, if a bit lazy, and I'm very proud of him re getting a degree, having no problems re drinking, drugs, police etc and his work ethic.

I've asked him for more board as he's earning more, frankly I'm struggling a bit financially and the extra money would be very handy. I'll let you know how much I've asked for if anyone would be kind enough to say what they think would be fair?

Thank you! :)

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 15/06/2015 21:55

Right, first id say he has had long enough to get settled into work now, so this is his list of weekly household responsibilities....

Secondly, this is how much it voats run the house on a monthly basis... and, to reflect this his board, now he has a good job, will be... From next month:

CalleighDoodle · 15/06/2015 21:57

I dont think £200 pcm is unreasonable
if it is just the two
Of youd

SantanaBinLorry · 15/06/2015 22:00

YANBU to charge more, A lot more. It's no surprise he's whinging about it though. 22 having his packed lunches made for him. Can he wipe his own arse? My 7 year old helps make his pack for the week, and I made him use his own pocket money today to buy a kinder egg.

LineRunner · 15/06/2015 22:00

A third.

Lucyccfc · 15/06/2015 22:02

I'd be asking for £300 a month and he would be doing his own washing, ironing and making his own lunch.

He's 22, not 12.

You are not doing him or any of his future partners any favours. Give it a few years and you will be moaned about on here by his partner, complaining his Mother does everything for,him and he's a lazy sod who does nothing round the house and is a cock-lodger.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/06/2015 22:03

I used to pay my mum a quarter of my salary. It's perfectly fair.

Original poster
tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 22:05

oh forgot to say his only outgoings are his i phone contract and minimum payment re student loan per month.

Ha! Fortunately he can wipe his own arse! THAT I draw the line at!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/06/2015 22:05

OMG he'll be eating more than £20 per week in food...

I think you need to be honest "I can't afford to feed you, pay for your utility usage and your 25% of the council tax anymore. I would be £x per week better off if you moved out therefore I need at least £x to afford for you to stay here"

Literally work it out what it actually costs you to have him live at home with you.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/06/2015 22:07

That's disgraceful that you are doing so much and he is paying £20 per week. Just his packed lunch must be costing you at least half of that per week. I think £400 per month would be fair if it's all in. If he lived in a house share he'd probably pay that or a bit more plus have to buy all his food on top.

GobTheGoblin · 15/06/2015 22:07

I'd ask for a third, and make him do more around the home, such as making your evening meal as well as his own.

Gabilan · 15/06/2015 22:08

200pcm at least and he should make his own lunch. Sit him down with a list of all your outgoings and incomings and explain why he needs to contribute. He's an adult. Oh and tell him that he needs to be saving so he can move out.

MissMillament · 15/06/2015 22:09

Add up all your monthly household bills and expenses including food.
Sit down with him and ask him to explain why he shouldn't be paying half of that figure as well as doing his fair share of chores around the house, taking turns cooking dinner (assuming you eat together) and doing his own laundry.

That should be your starting point. He is an adult and you are now in the position of housemates who happen to be related rather than a parent and dependant offspring.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:11

Can I just ask how you ended up with this situation? He contributes next to nothing, in terms of housework and money. He is 22 years old and his Mum packs his lunch. He pays the minimum to student loans... You are working, doing lots of housework and short of money.

You are preparing a young person for adulthood, not looking after a baby.

I vote for one third of his money going to housing costs. He packs his own much and does more housework. And, I would want him to start paying off the loan a little quicker.

Purpleball · 15/06/2015 22:12

It was 20% of take home pay when I was that age so £220, get him to set up a standing order into your bank account.
My mum used to forget to pay cheques in and made me overdrawn (I was useless with money)

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:12

much = lunch

Denimwithdenim00 · 15/06/2015 22:13

Yep my son is 23 and at home after uni too.

He sounds like a nice lad. Sit him down and be honest with him.

I get your tidy standards are higher then his but he could do the evening meal for you both, now the lawn and bins etc.

And I am way soft! Grin

Lonelylass1218 · 15/06/2015 22:14

I am 24 and earn a miserable £550 a month but I pay £40 per week to my mum and also buy all my own food, do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying etc so you should be asking for lots more I would say 1/3 of his wages if you do not need to use it all then maybe save some up for him when he moves out as a surprise kind of thing

MaxPepsi · 15/06/2015 22:16

He earns about what I earn.
I live with DH, just the 2 of us. I pay approx half of my wage into the joint account for household bills.
I then have my personal bills to pay as well, plus food and petrol to buy.
I would love to pay £80 a month!

textfan · 15/06/2015 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crikeylou · 15/06/2015 22:22

My DD on apprenticeship wage but gives me half her wages as Im on low income - I wish I could ask for less but I sat her down and went through all bills and explained what is needed to live on and she understood. I think one third of his wage is acceptable - he won;t be able to find anywhere to live on his own for that amount.

RedandYellow24 · 15/06/2015 22:26

For starters he needs to be paying the extras he uses so 25% of council tax because you would still need to pay the rest being single. He should be paying half the food bill as that covers all other household stuff. How much would that come to?
Also he either does half the adult workload cleaning cooking washing etc or he pays you housekeeping and you then do it for him. So there a clear choice of him doing it or paying you no free to do what you like.
Even with all that he's going to be paying nowhere near the amount to flat share us all his food and bills on top.

ilovesooty · 15/06/2015 22:27

At least a third of his take home pay and an equal share of the household tasks as well as making his own lunch.

He's taking you for a mug at the moment.

Inertia · 15/06/2015 22:28

Is £1100 his take home pay, or before tax?

To be honest it'd cost him at least £300 for rent/bills in a shared house and then he'd have food to buy, so I'd say £300 per month is the minimum he should pay.

If he doesn't like it he can always move out and make his own sandwiches, and you could then earn £4000 or so per year from taking a lodger in his room.

Original poster
tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 22:30

Thanks everyone :)

I've asked for £60 p/week and that's all in. Apparently 'none of his mates pay their parents this' hmmmmm.

It's ended up like this because of me, I'm under no illusions. Nobody can 'tidy' to my standards, and I make my packed lunch so it's easy enough to make his at the same time. He's perfectly capable of making his own and can cook a lovely meal, and does sometimes cook for me but I tend to eat different meals to him so prefer to make my own. He is tidy, just not 'my' kind of tidy which is my problem.

I do agree he needs to do more as in loading the washing machine, putting bin out, jobs like that.

He's capable of doing anything, it's just it's mainly been me and him and I've molly coddled him a bit much. He will do more if I ask him, it's just the money situ we can't agree on.

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 22:32

Who else lives in your house, Tomjones?

Agree with many PPs, and taking their comments on board I suggest he pays a harsh two thirds on a sliding scale down to a third, depending on how much he contributes to the running of the home (your decision on a week-by-week basis).

You are - honestly - doing him no favours. If this exact thread read as is but substituting DS with DH/P you'd have a universal chorus of "LTB". Do you hope he'll one day meet and settle down with Someone Special? Do you think they'll view him as "a lovely lad, if a bit lazy"? I'm not trying to be harsh to you. (Honest). I just don't think you're helping him at all.

And why, if he's earning that amount of dosh, isn't he moving out anyway? Why on earth is he still living with mummy? (or do you want him there???).

Honestly not trying to be mean.

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