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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more board from 22 year old son?

111 replies

tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 21:51

Hi everyone

I've read the board for ages but have registered to ask a question as I really don't feel I'm being unreasonable but my son (22) does and it's causing arguments.

He's just started a new job and I've found out he's earning £200 per month less than me, with him earning 1100 per month.

I pay everything, all the household bills, he pays nothing.

Until this new job, which was around 800 p/m he's been paying 20 per week board which includes everything - food, all utilities, rent, internet etc and I do all his washing, ironing, make his packed lunch for work. He doesn't do any chores in the house, maybe changes his bed a couple of times a month but invariably I end up doing it all as I can't stand mess and clutter, dishes in the sink etc - I accept that's my problem, I can't even have a cushion out of place so I don't expect him to clean/tidy to my standards but would like more help with taking the bin out, putting washing in etc.

He makes his own meal of an evening and is generally tidy, just not as tidy as me lol. He really is a lovely lad, if a bit lazy, and I'm very proud of him re getting a degree, having no problems re drinking, drugs, police etc and his work ethic.

I've asked him for more board as he's earning more, frankly I'm struggling a bit financially and the extra money would be very handy. I'll let you know how much I've asked for if anyone would be kind enough to say what they think would be fair?

Thank you! :)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:33

I make my packed lunch so it's easy enough to make his at the same time. OR He needs a packed lunch so he can make both, since you do so much for him anyway.

His mates... I was out of the family home at 18, as were most of my friends. We were variously at university, volunteering with accommodation thrown in or working and paying grown up rent. Are all his 22 year old friends living at home?

RedandYellow24 · 15/06/2015 22:34

the difference between him and his mates is that they can afford to. Does he really expect to keep 90% of his income as pocket money while you have very little left after basic bills?

Penfold007 · 15/06/2015 22:35

Dd tried the none of my mates have to pay stunt. £300 plus his share of chores or he moves out.

Fatmomma99 · 15/06/2015 22:35

x posted - sorry redandyellow - I was typing!

So you're suggesting 10% tomjones, plus waiting on him hand and foot.

What happens when he wants to have sex?

CMOTDibbler · 15/06/2015 22:36

I'd look at what a room in a shared house locally would cost him, and charge him that - he'd still be up on the deal as he'd get his food, cleaning etc

nottheOP · 15/06/2015 22:38

Iirc, I earned £1300 & paid £200. I bought my own food, mum did my washing but not ironing. It was a bit more than my friends and parents didn't need it.

Your house, your choice but he might decide to move out if it's the same cost as sharing with mates.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:40

What happens when he wants to have sex? Funnily enough I read this as, 'what happens when he wants to have sex and the person concerned realises that he lives at home and his Mum does his lunch and s/he magically loses that sexy feeling'. I realise you didn't mean it that way...

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/06/2015 22:42

He sounds like a sulky teenager. Who cares what his mates do? He's old enough that he should be WANTING to help and contribute! He's not 13. He doesn't need to agree- just tell him how much housekeeping you want him to pay.

Original poster
tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 22:45

There's just me and him in a 2 bed cottage - to be honest, yes, a lot of his mates still live with their parents, not just his mates, I live in a small town and I'd say a lot of young adults still live with their parent/s here. I moved out at 19 and stood on my own two feet, and no, I don't want him to move out yet. He's not tied to the apron strings and I'm not some crazed mother who won't let her bairn flee the nest ha! promise! He's out most nights playing football, pool, with his GF. He really is a lovely lad, polite, lots of mates, popular.

Just has been given too much leeway for too long and doesn't like the fact I'm asking him to contribute more! He agrees he should pay £200 and that should include his food. I say £260 and that's more than fair.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 22:50

He's out most nights playing football, pool, with his GF. And that is part of the problem. He's going to get a terrible shock when his disposable income suddenly plummets when he lives on his own. Young people often end up in debt because of this kind of thing.

Original poster
tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 22:52

He doesn't need to agree- just tell him how much housekeeping you want him to pay.

Oh I have - I've told him it's 260 or he can move out. I just wanted to know whether I was being a money grabbing heathen for asking for this amount ha!

Please can we not discuss his sexlife raaaah! haha Grin

Look it's me that's insisted on the housework being done by me to high standards, wanted to do his packed lunch etc - he'd be perfectly capable and would do it if I didn't. I know I've done him no favours there - I will be making sure he does more around the house definitely....

I just wanted to know what a fair amount to pay would be and thank you! a unanimous AIBU! whoooop! 'rubbing mitts at showing him this in the morning ha!' Grin

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 15/06/2015 22:55

My 22 year old son lives with me and his take home pay is around £900
He pays £150 pcm plus the 25% share of council tax, buys all his lunch stuff and makes it, sometimes he also buys other bits of food if he sees something he thinks I would like or a bargain on the sell by section
He helps with washing and cooking, plus does an agreed share of other chores
I insist on my standards of tidiness in communal areas - his room is up to him, obviously he changes own bed, washes sheets etc
I hate ironing and avoid if at all possible - both my offspring did their own plus much more from 11+

trufflehunterthebadger · 15/06/2015 22:56

Blimey, i gave my Mum £100 a month in 1996 when i only took home £600 a month and i was only home for 2 days a week (was live in staff at a hotel)

Your DS is taking the piss !

CalleighDoodle · 15/06/2015 22:58

If the standard of the chore isnt good enough, make him do it agains we have all read about husbands on here who do a crap job so they wont be asked again! Dont make your son one of those.

I didnt pay anything when i moved home after uni. But in the just-short-of-two-years id paid off my overdraft, a chunk of my student loans and saved enough to buy my own house. I also was at college one night a week learning spanish for fun.

Original poster
tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 23:06

"Calleighdoodle* His standard of chore is perfectly fine/normal. It's me with the problem not him, I'm abnormal where tidying etc is concerned. He is tidy - he puts his clothes in the basket, brings cups down, wipes benches etc when he makes food, hangs towels up after a bath, puts shampoo bottles back in their 'place' and cleans up after himself. Just not 'my' clean Blush - I wouldn't expect anyone to do it like I do, it would be unfair.

It was more the money side of things I was interested in hearing opinions on..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/06/2015 23:08

You are still not doing him any favours.

redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 23:12

I guess you know you shouldn't have posted in AIBU Grin

Loumate666 · 16/06/2015 07:14

My parents took 25% of my net income per month off me as soon as I started work but unbeknown to me, they put half of it into a savings account and gave it back to me when I Purchased my first house...a kind of forced saving that I would do with my kids if I can afford too...

MrsKCastle · 16/06/2015 07:36

I would show him the outgoings for the house and how much disposable income you have. Compared with how much you would have if he moved out. Then ask him why he feels you should effectively give him x per month when he is now an independent adult.

christinarossetti · 16/06/2015 07:41

I think your figure sounds right, op if this is enough for you to run the house comfortably.

Sit down with DS and show him the food and other bills and how you arrived at this amount.

I would disagree with people who say it's like a house share or partner situation.

It's a different relationship and you are in different places in your life is I expect that he"s planning to move out sometime? Maybe saving a bit?

ScorpioMermaid · 16/06/2015 07:45

yanbu. tell him to move out if he doesn't want to pay more board, he won't get anywhere cheaper.

when I was 17 and my boyfriend (now dh) was 19 I was pregnant and moved in with him and his family. I earned £390 a month (minimum wage less than £4 20+ hours a week) dh worked full time £1000 a month. We paid £350 between us and still did our own food shopping.

RattieofCatan · 16/06/2015 07:46

Find out how much he could rent a room for local to you and base it off of that. Bare in mind that if he rented a room he wouldn't get food included nor would he have anybody making his lunch! Either he can lump it or leave it.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/06/2015 07:52

I have adult sons, who are at uni, I expect to have your problem shortly!
I don't really know what's reasonable, it depends on so many things, like xwhether ypou are paying rent, are you paying for sky etc.
I reckon just the food works out about 25 - 30 pounds a week per person, probably more if packed lunches are involved. You've then got additional council tax and fuel bills to consider, and really he shouldn't be expecting you to sub him except maybe with regard to rent , and that's bonly if you want to.
So I think £260 pm is very reasonable - one vof my sons pays £525 approx for rent bills and food outside London, I think your son should understand to what extent you are subbing him!

Glastokitty · 16/06/2015 07:54

You really aren't doing him any favours. If he ever moves out (and why on earth would he?), he will have got used to a very high level of disposable income, coupled with someone waiting on him hand and foot. In your early twenties you should be a bit skint, learning to make your way in the world and budget and look after yourself. Otherwise how can you ever appreciate your comforts when you earn them?

SoldierBear · 16/06/2015 07:57

He is getting a bargain for £260!
Plus he must buy his own lunches and make them too - it is about being self sufficient
If he doesn't want to oat £260, then it us time to find a flat share.
You aren't doing him a favour by allowing him to behave like a greedy child in a sweet shop. He's got a choice: pay a very small all-in rent or strike out on his own.
Time he learnt to start being more considerate to his mum. If he goes out this often is he is spending much ore on entertainment than the proposed increase in rent. You are effectively paying for him to go out and have fun!

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