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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more board from 22 year old son?

111 replies

tomjonesishot · 15/06/2015 21:51

Hi everyone

I've read the board for ages but have registered to ask a question as I really don't feel I'm being unreasonable but my son (22) does and it's causing arguments.

He's just started a new job and I've found out he's earning £200 per month less than me, with him earning 1100 per month.

I pay everything, all the household bills, he pays nothing.

Until this new job, which was around 800 p/m he's been paying 20 per week board which includes everything - food, all utilities, rent, internet etc and I do all his washing, ironing, make his packed lunch for work. He doesn't do any chores in the house, maybe changes his bed a couple of times a month but invariably I end up doing it all as I can't stand mess and clutter, dishes in the sink etc - I accept that's my problem, I can't even have a cushion out of place so I don't expect him to clean/tidy to my standards but would like more help with taking the bin out, putting washing in etc.

He makes his own meal of an evening and is generally tidy, just not as tidy as me lol. He really is a lovely lad, if a bit lazy, and I'm very proud of him re getting a degree, having no problems re drinking, drugs, police etc and his work ethic.

I've asked him for more board as he's earning more, frankly I'm struggling a bit financially and the extra money would be very handy. I'll let you know how much I've asked for if anyone would be kind enough to say what they think would be fair?

Thank you! :)

OP posts:
SkippyTheBushKangeroo · 16/06/2015 08:00

£60'a week sounds good.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 16/06/2015 09:20

Well you're definitely on the right track then OP. Good luck Grin

Delilahfandango · 16/06/2015 09:29

When my 22 yo son was still living at home and on about the same wage as your son, he paid £300 pm. That was for everything but I didn't make a packed lunch for himWink I did do his washing and didn't expect him to do chores. He's now living with his GF and she's training him upGrin

idokidok13 · 16/06/2015 09:32

I'm 24, if my mum was making me lunch and doing my washing and only charging me ?20 a week id have never left! I'd say he should pay atleast ?300 tbh, that is still A LOT cheaper than its be if he moved out. In his defence though he probably has no idea how expensive living is, I really didn't have a clue till I had to pay for everything

idokidok13 · 16/06/2015 09:34

Also, think of his poor future wif

Mintyy · 16/06/2015 09:37

Wonderfully wise words from Glastokitty.

SilverBirch2015 · 16/06/2015 09:50

I think you should be charging him how much extra it is costing you to have him at home - food, council tax, utility bills etc. Don't think he should be charged more than that so if £260 covers that stick to your guns.

I also think you should gradually ask him to do more to help around the house, without making a bit scene about it. For example can you do packed lunches for tomorrow as I have a lot to do this evening? If you choose to do things for him because " it feels easier" you cannot expect him to pay for the service and you are not really doing him any favours.

expatinscotland · 16/06/2015 10:08

'Also, think of his poor future wif'

What wife? Young women nowadays usually wind up dumping a lazy sod who expects to be waited on.

Skiptonlass · 16/06/2015 10:21

Your figure seems spot on. Almost as important though is an equal contribution to the household chores.

If he was flat sharing with a mate he'd be expected to do his own chores. Personally I'd stop doing his laundry for him, draw up a list of things you want him to do each week and stick to it. He's earning enough to contribute equally, like the adult he is - why should you do everything!?

Future girlfriends will thank you ;) there's nothing more off putting than a guy who moves from having his mum do everything to expecting a gf to do everything.

260 a month to live somewhere clean and nice and secure is still a pretty sweet deal.

rollmeover · 16/06/2015 10:34

He is an adult, so treat him like one.
Sit him down show him the bills and what they cost and how they are paid. I would also put him name on the bills to build up credit rating, and even expect him to take responsibility for actually paying one or two.
Explain where £260 will go. Then tell him to set up £150 per month savings to start for a house deposit/wedding/car. It still leaves £600 per month for enjoying himself so more than enough.

roofio87 · 16/06/2015 10:40

I would work out exactly how much you feel you need, then I would sit him down and explain that and then explain that he should be saving money as well if he is living so cheaply with you. I had a friend who moved back home after uni, her parents didn't need any keep from her and we're happy for her not to pay as long as she saved a certain amount every month, less than 2 years and she had a deposit to buy. tell him to get saving now!!

ImSoCoolNow · 16/06/2015 10:43

He's an adult. He needs to learn how to stand on his own 2 feet or he's in for a shock when he does eventually move on or finds a partner (poor partner will be in for a shock when they have to do all his housework and make his packed lunches) my 12 year old makes her own lunches and is on the cleaning rota for our house. He's had it easy for too long!

Good luck

peggyundercrackers · 16/06/2015 10:54

i personally think £60 a week is a bit much - I would think £200 a month is more than enough plus some household tasks.

the other side of the coin is you piss him off and he leaves - where would that leave you? you have already mentioned you are struggling with money so if he leaves you are worse off.

hairymuffet · 16/06/2015 10:55

I was paying £220 fifteen years ago from similar wage !!

peggyundercrackers · 16/06/2015 11:21

I was paying £20 a month fifteen years ago from a similar wage !!

peggyundercrackers · 16/06/2015 11:25

I guess the way I see it is hes your child - not your DP/DH so he shouldn't be sharing tasks and be responsible for bills etc.

its NOT his house - its yours - you are responsible for the house. if you want him to pay for it them give him equity in it.

instead of taking more money off him help him save for his own house/car/future - help him move on in life.

CamelHump · 16/06/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 16/06/2015 11:46

Trouble is Peggy, he is 22. NOT a child.

CamelHump · 16/06/2015 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggggllll · 16/06/2015 12:04

I wouldn't charge my kids rent unless:

a) they needed a lesson in being responsible and/or a helping foot up the backside to move out

b) I really, really couldn't afford to keep the situation going

I won't say YANBU, because you will be the best judge in your situation imho

expatinscotland · 16/06/2015 12:32

'you have already mentioned you are struggling with money so if he leaves you are worse off.'

Hahaahaa! She will get back her single person council tax discount and not be fronting him food and bills.

Probably better off without this manchild living there.

22 is a grown man. He should be living like one by that age.

LotusLight · 16/06/2015 12:41

Is there a way you can advise him on how to purchase a first property - even if just a tiny grotty studio flat in the worst bit of town?

morethanpotatoprints · 16/06/2015 12:42

I think its catch 22 tbh.
If you charge too much they don't have chance to save for a deposit and they're at home until they are 30.
On the other hand they need to pay their way at this age and be responsible around their home, as they'd have to do this at their own home.
With mine I added up their costs and asked for whatever I thought was ok.
As for doing anything for them at this age, you have to stop and let them fend for themselves.
I certainly didn't do their ironing once they started high school, it was up to them.
From teenagers they should be responsible for their own washing.
I can understand why you would want to save on utilities by only cooking once but surely he can wash up, tidy kitchen and empty bins if you have cooked.
I treat our grown up dc like dh and expect them to do their share if that makes sense.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 16/06/2015 12:46

Wow! I had to pay 1/3 of my wages as lodge when I lived at home, and cooked for myself and did my own laundry most of the time. Your DS has it very easy, tell him to pay you lodge or find himself somewhere else, when he sees the cost of having his own place he will soon see sense.

babybat · 16/06/2015 12:48

You mentioned you're not ready for him to move out yet - when do you think would be the right time for him to move out? Because at some point he's going to have to manage the costs of rent/bills etc all on his own, or splitting with a flatmate/GF, and at the moment you've shielded him from what the true cost of that is. You need to have an adult conversation about the cost of running the household and how to budget, so he can start saving for when he moves out. Otherwise it's going to come as a massive shock to the system, and he won't have prepared for it.