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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should go to this meal?

119 replies

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:01

Me and boyfriend don't do the family thing with each other, ie we don't go to each other's family meals and functions. He's quiet and dislikes having to make conversation with people he doesn't know.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights. My lovely gran offered to pay for us and we went round the day after with a nice plant and some chocolates to say thanks. On the phone my gran said she'd love to see more of boyfriend and my mum hinted that she feels really uninvolved in my life since I started going out with him 18 months ago. My gran has helped me out so much recently and I feel bad about this.

It's her 80th next week and my family is going out for a meal to celebrate. She said she'd love it if boyfriend came so I asked him last night if he was free on the date. He said 'yeah will be why' and I asked him to come to the meal. He replied 'erm you know I don't really do the family thing, do you mind if I give it a miss?' I'd planned to sit him on the end of the table so he didn't have to make conversation with anyone because I know he wouldn't like it. I didn't press it because he's stubborn, if he doesn't see why it would be nice on his part to come then I can't really explain it to him. AIBU to think he could have just said yes?

OP posts:

NormaStits · 12/06/2015 09:07

Depends, you said neither of you do family things for each other, have you ever done this sort of thing for him?

I think in usual circumstances he should go but if you don't do it with his family I can see why he's not planning to do this for you.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/06/2015 09:10

That's really a bit odd. My DH is antisocial, bad at small talk, would rather gouge his own eyes out than meet up with my friends with university eg but makes an exception for my family. Because I'm his wife and they're his family too. I'd be questioning how involved he wants you both to be in each others lives.

PurpleBananaPie · 12/06/2015 09:10

No, YANBU, he is!!

Would it really hurt him to go for one meal with your family? What if you stay together long term, is he never going to accompany you to family occasions such as weddings, christenings, funerals etc?

I'm pretty quiet and don't like speaking to people I don't know but I do go to family meals etc with my DP and make an effort to speak to his family.

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:10

Norma No, but I haven't been asked! If he wanted me to I would, for him. If it was any other family member I wouldn't expect him to, it's just that my gran did a nice thing paying for our flights!

OP posts:

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 12/06/2015 09:10

She's just bought you flights for a weekend away and he won't do her the courtesy of going to her birthday meal and being a normal person for 2 hours?

He needs to grow up, be grateful and attend the meal and be happy about it.

My ex was like this and it pissed me off no end. Turned out he was just a miserable bastard all round.

MidniteScribbler · 12/06/2015 09:11

It sounds like 'don't like making conversation' is the equivalent of 'rude prick'. If he can't sit at a meal for a couple of hours and make polite conversation with the people who are important to you, then you really need to question how whether this is a healthy relationship and someone you want to be with.

eleanoralice1 · 12/06/2015 09:11

I would be concerned if my partner wanted no part in family gatherings. Suck it up!

ItsTricky · 12/06/2015 09:12

18 months is pretty much a long term relationship so really it's not unreasonable for you to want him involved with the occasional family event.

Are you both quite young? Is he not very close with his family so doesn't get the 'family event' thing?

HolgerDanske · 12/06/2015 09:15

Very rude. When did it become ok to be so self-centred.

morelikeguidelines · 12/06/2015 09:15

He is being very u.

She has paid for a holiday for him. The least he can do is come for a meal.

Floggingmolly · 12/06/2015 09:15

Your partners family shouldn't come under the heading of "people you don't know"; certainly not after 18 months of being together??
Refusing to go to the meal is hideously rude.

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2015 09:16

He sounds immature and rude.

The happiest marriages I've seen have been where each partner as accepted they are part of the other partner's family.

Your poor mum - my children are in their 20s and I'd be very worried for them if they had distanced themselves like that. I'd think the person they were with was controlling and not worth it. I'd be terrified of them getting pregnant by that person.

NerrSnerr · 12/06/2015 09:16

I would love to get out of going to my husband's family get togethers but unfortunately that's part of being in a relationship. He just needs to suck it up and go along- especially as she paid for flights for you both!

NRomanoff · 12/06/2015 09:18

I think yanbu because of the things your gran has done. Any other family members I would say yanbu because he has been upfront about not wanting to do this. If your mum feels uninvolved that's down to you choosing your boyfriends way of doing things. You can still see your m without h being involved.

The real question is, is this a deal breaker for you? If he will be like this forever, can you live with it?

NRomanoff · 12/06/2015 09:19

That second line should say yabu a because he has been upfront

HellKitty · 12/06/2015 09:19

So you're not really a couple then?
He is being very U, tbh it would give me massive red flags.

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:20

Thank you, you've kind of confirmed my thoughts. I can't work him out, sometimes he can be the most caring and thoughtful person ever and then other times he's selfish. For example his sister had a baby recently... it was 6 weeks before he went to see the newborn.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2015 09:20

He does sound immature.

I get that he might be socially awkward, but there comes a time when an adult has to put themselves out for what will amount to just a few hours.

How does he expect to get to know them, if he won't spend any time with them?

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 09:21

He sounds immature also very ungracious

Make sure you go Op.

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:21

^sorry should have tagged on. So it's not just my family he doesn't feel the need to be involved with, it's his own too,

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 12/06/2015 09:21

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with this man. Family is important.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/06/2015 09:23

He sounds like a petulant child. So he should be treat as such, don't ask him to go, tell him 'right, since you are free, we are going for the family meal'. 'Asking' doesn't work, he's obviously not the type to take others into consideration. I'm sure there have been times where you have done or gone to events with him that took you out of your comfort zone. However, as adults, sometimes we have have to get on with it. I hope he matures quickly, otherwise I feel you have much frustration ahead of you.

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:25

Usually I wouldn't mind, obviously I knew what he was like 18 months ago si I guess you could say it was my fault. I just thought this once he could go!!

OP posts:

HellKitty · 12/06/2015 09:26

So if you have children they basically won't know their Uncles and Aunties on both sides much. What about playdates or friends over? That's going to go down like a fish milkshake.

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:29

He hates children HellKitty, we're both in our twenties so he might change his mind but he said the other day his 'life would be ruined' if he ever ended up with a wife and kids . I find his contempt for kids weird, he has 2 young nieces that he never sees or buys presents for at birthdays/ Christmas.

OP posts:

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