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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should go to this meal?

119 replies

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:01

Me and boyfriend don't do the family thing with each other, ie we don't go to each other's family meals and functions. He's quiet and dislikes having to make conversation with people he doesn't know.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights. My lovely gran offered to pay for us and we went round the day after with a nice plant and some chocolates to say thanks. On the phone my gran said she'd love to see more of boyfriend and my mum hinted that she feels really uninvolved in my life since I started going out with him 18 months ago. My gran has helped me out so much recently and I feel bad about this.

It's her 80th next week and my family is going out for a meal to celebrate. She said she'd love it if boyfriend came so I asked him last night if he was free on the date. He said 'yeah will be why' and I asked him to come to the meal. He replied 'erm you know I don't really do the family thing, do you mind if I give it a miss?' Sad I'd planned to sit him on the end of the table so he didn't have to make conversation with anyone because I know he wouldn't like it. I didn't press it because he's stubborn, if he doesn't see why it would be nice on his part to come then I can't really explain it to him. AIBU to think he could have just said yes?

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Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:39

Oh and to the suggestion that he's EA, my mum sees a lot of him as I'm still at home (moving out next month) and she adores him, thinks the sun shines out his arse. Which she wouldn't if he was EA?

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Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 10:40

Inclined to agree with Lovereading....

Also Op who decided to buy the plant and Chocs and visit your gran?

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:42

my mum sees a lot of him as I'm still at home (moving out next month) and she adores him, thinks the sun shines out his arse.

I'm not saying he is EA as I don't know anything about him other than what you've posted here (which makes him sound like a twat but not necessarily EA). However, I would like to point out that the beauty of being an EA person is that many other people around you do think the sun shines out of your arse. My mother was abused for eight years by my stepfather and literally everyone around him thought he was the bees' knees.

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:42

iamdaft I genuinely don't believe he would be unfaithful (obviously you never know but I do, perhaps naively, trust him). At the weekend he did an activity with me that involved heights and he hates heights but he still did it and tried to enjoy it. Just little things like that really. I can't explain clutches at straws

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iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:44

I don't want to be harsh on you at all but my goodness, is that the best you can say about him? That he wouldn't be unfaithful?

Only you can say what you're happy with at the end of the day but I do think refusing to see your family shows an extreme lack of commitment, shy or not. I'm painfully shy. I still see my DP's family, because it's what couples do.

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:45

Only it was him actually! But he timed the visit on the way to somewhere else so we literally just popped in and gave her them.

Also I've just thought of an example where he's actually done something for me/ the family. He was abroad a few months ago and my brother happened to be in the same city and he met him and his gf for a drink. It didn't kill him so I don't understand why he can't go to this meal Confused

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loveareadingthanks · 12/06/2015 10:45

If I were you I'd end it, despite it being just a fun thing for now, for two reasons.

a) Fun things for now have a way of turning into serious things and then you are stuck with someone you love but aren't really compatible with. And if you are not also convinced you'll never want children either, you aren't compatible. You are running the risk of a lot of heartbreak and difficult decisions 10-15 years from now.

b)I'd be too ashamed to be with such a selfish knob who took advantage of my grandma in that way and was so far up his own selfish arse he couldn't spend 2 hours of his life making a kind elderly lady happy.

Tangerineandturquoise · 12/06/2015 10:46

Generally if you put something in AIBU then you may get perspectives you don't like. I have re-read my message, and yep I'd write it again, not be mean but to offer a perspective.
I never said dog-because actually with a dog you do have to put yourself out a bit, I walk my dog in all weathers, take him to the vet that he likes but I don't, I was think more of my son's lizard that gets admired and pulled out once in a while but we don't really have to worry about- I am not saying you are a lizard just his level of effort seems similar. My son loves his lizard, but he isn't in the top 5 lists of things important to him in a day.

CatsCantTwerk · 12/06/2015 10:47

Also I've just thought of an example where he's actually done something for me/ the family. He was abroad a few months ago and my brother happened to be in the same city and he met him and his gf for a drink.

I am utterly confused by this. How is meeting your brother for a drink doing something for your for you/your family?

I have a feeling my first post was correct.

CatsCantTwerk · 12/06/2015 10:49

I am not saying you are a lizard

That is one of the best lines Ive ever read on MN Grin

WyrdByrd · 12/06/2015 10:49

Do you think he's worried that if he comes to this meal of your nan's he will be setting a precedent and roped into every family gathering for the foreseeable future, or that if it gets back to his family they will put him under pressure to be more involved with them?

If he's not that way inclined I can see why he might be reluctant (but still think he's being rude under the circs).

How old is he btw?

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:51

Oh yeah tangerine, totally get that! Just snorted at lizard Grin. I understand where you're coming from but I genuinely don't feel like his pet lizard, he tells me quite often that he knows he's on to a good thing with me because I don't nag and we do fun things together. We had a serious convo the other week about his horrendous mood swings, I said they made me unhappy and feel like shit and since then he has been a lot better. He does do nice things and nice gestures, for example he's shown a lot more interest in my new house than I thought he would. He came to a second viewing with me and keeps sending me decor ideas and things to fill it with. As I said, he's very confusing! I genuinely enjoy going out with him and doing stuff.

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Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:54

Cats, because when my brother found out they'd be in the same city together he said he'd love to meet him. If he honestly didn't give that much of a shit he wouldn't have met him would he?

Wyrd That could be a concern! I could bring it up with him and say just this once because of what my gran has done. But the thing is, I wouldn't usually ask him to something like this because I know he'll say no. He's 25.

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ApeMan · 12/06/2015 10:57

Perhaps he has (openly or otherwise) an irredeemably shitty family and will take a good while to warm up to the idea of spending any time in a family context.

Some people's families are something they survive and escape, and you cannot necessarily judge a person for a) not wanting anything to do with their own afterwards or b) avoiding a "family sit down" like the plague.

I remember DW seemed a bit concerned that I might not be a very family-oriented man (I am, hugely so) because I didn't speak to my family and was a bit shy around other people's family meals etc. I understood because I think family is important, too, so I invited her to a few family dinners so she could meet them and she soon understood why any normal person could not be around them.

I got over my shyness with her lot. Very happily married now, we and the DW's family have a great family life both nuclear and extended, all visit each other lots and the people who happen to share DNA with me, get Christmas and Birthday cards and very occasionally invited to stuff. I just about manage to draw the line at moving in a few doors down from the in-laws, but it wouldn't be so bad tbh.

AlternativeTentacles · 12/06/2015 10:58

I think you are confusing 'nice things' with 'normal shit people do'.

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 11:02

Well that's good at least he did something nice for her OP.

What brings on his 'horrendous mood swings'?

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:05

Thank you for the male perspective ApeMan. Thing is I've met his parents a few times and they genuinely seem like nice, ordinary people and he seems to have had a good childhood. But your POV is reassuring.

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Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:05

Thank you for the male perspective ApeMan. Thing is I've met his parents a few times and they genuinely seem like nice, ordinary people and he seems to have had a good childhood. But your POV is reassuring.

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WhitePhantom · 12/06/2015 11:06

I think you hit the nail on the head there, Alternative. None of what's been described counts as 'nice stuff'. It's all at the level of 'very basic / absolute minimum stuff'. Nice stuff is way beyond what you've described, OP. Confused

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:07

Only a few things trigger them. Something going wrong at work or hangover usually. I explained both of these were not my fault!

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CatsCantTwerk · 12/06/2015 11:08

Something going wrong at work or hangover usually

Does he drink a lot op?

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:09

White, he's offered to put more spending money in the pot for our weekend break at the end of the month because he knows I'm skint with the house. Is that a nice thing to do?

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The5DayChicken · 12/06/2015 11:12

Like some PPs, the only time I was in a relationship where my OH at the time had this attitude towards my family, it was an abusive relationship. He did this as a way of isolating me. Bloody effective it was too. If you're not happy with the arrangement (and I bloody wouldn't be if a bloke wanted nothing to do with my family but happily took their money), end the relationship.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 12/06/2015 11:13

You said he likes that you "don't nag" - has he actually said that?

I only ask because someone using the word nagging usually raises flags for me as it usually means "asking me to do something reasonable that I can't be arsed to do". If he's saying that you're a good girlfriend because you don't "nag" (nasty misogynist word) then he's subtly warning you that if you start asking him for things it makes you a bad girlfriend.

If this is the case, maybe think about why you were so quick to accept him not going to your gran's birthday - is it because you're truly happy with it (I suspect not) or because you don't want to be painted as a nag?

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:14

Cats a fair bit on a weekend but only a beer/ glass of wine on a week night (not every weeknight).

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