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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should go to this meal?

119 replies

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:01

Me and boyfriend don't do the family thing with each other, ie we don't go to each other's family meals and functions. He's quiet and dislikes having to make conversation with people he doesn't know.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights. My lovely gran offered to pay for us and we went round the day after with a nice plant and some chocolates to say thanks. On the phone my gran said she'd love to see more of boyfriend and my mum hinted that she feels really uninvolved in my life since I started going out with him 18 months ago. My gran has helped me out so much recently and I feel bad about this.

It's her 80th next week and my family is going out for a meal to celebrate. She said she'd love it if boyfriend came so I asked him last night if he was free on the date. He said 'yeah will be why' and I asked him to come to the meal. He replied 'erm you know I don't really do the family thing, do you mind if I give it a miss?' Sad I'd planned to sit him on the end of the table so he didn't have to make conversation with anyone because I know he wouldn't like it. I didn't press it because he's stubborn, if he doesn't see why it would be nice on his part to come then I can't really explain it to him. AIBU to think he could have just said yes?

OP posts:
The5DayChicken · 12/06/2015 11:19

Just read about his mood swings OP. He's sounding more and more like my abusive ex...

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:21

I have mood swings with my PMT too though so I understand what it's like to not want to be pleasant/ happy all the time!

OP posts:
JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 12/06/2015 11:27

Oh dear OP, it may feel like people are piling on your bf without knowing him but him telling "quite often that he knows he's on to a good thing with me because I don't nag and we do fun things together" would have me seriously reevaluating your relationship.

Have you thought what a future with him would be like? Would he rather your family didn't come over because he doesn't want to socialise with them? Would he consider it nagging if you asked him to do 50% of the housework?

He's willing to take money from your gran but won't even put himself out to meet her and thank her from gratitude for that, never mind that he should be doing it for you anyway.

Just out of curiousity, how does he talk about his last girlfriend?

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 11:28

I have mood swings with my PMT too though so I understand what it's like to not want to be pleasant/ happy all the time!

Yes and we all get moody and irritable sometimes but his behaviour sounds like it's more than that to me.

I think you're in a denial a bit, from what you've said on this thread anyway.

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 12/06/2015 11:29

OneFlew made a very good point about the "nagging", OP. It raised my eyebrows too.

When someone tells you that they "like you because you don't nag me", what they're really saying is "if you try to ask me to do anything I don't want to do, I won't like you". I wasn't sure about the EA thing until you said that, but behaviour-modifying is one of the hallmarks of being emotionally abusive. You are not to behave in a certain way for fear of falling out of favour, so you restrict yourself to behaving in a pleasing way. Don't ask me to socialise with you. Don't ask me to commit to moving in with you. Don't raise a subject again after I've told you I'm not interested. Don't discuss things I don't want to discuss, because that is "nagging".

As for the meal, if he's that great, tell him how rude and inappropriate it would be NOT to show up and how badly it would reflect on him and give him a chance to look at it in that light rather than just one more social obligation he doesn't want to attend.

I think asking him to come with you was a mistake because it let him think he had the option to say no. What you should have said is "My lovely Grandma, who paid for our flights, has a big birthday coming up and she expects to see us both at her birthday meal. It would be really rude not to show up and I'd hate anyone to think we were just using her. So, we are going to X restaurant on Sunday. Now, what are you going to wear?"

hibbledibble · 12/06/2015 11:32

I think he sounds like a twat.

If he sees ant future with you he should be making a minimum amount of effort with your family.

It doesn't sound like he is as committed as you tbh.

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:36

Just out of curiousity, how does he talk about his last girlfriend?

He doesn't actually. Which I appreciate, I don't want to know about previous relationships. I just know why they split up and that's all he's said.

And thank you for the extra replies, it might not seem like it but I am actually taking them on board! It's just a bit difficult to read/ process.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 12/06/2015 11:40

Great point about the nagging. Also Ruby, you haven't asked him to move in (thank God!) because his ex once did so he dumped her. So you are changing your behaviour to keep the peace whether you realise or not. Also about your DM liking him so he can't be EA, my ex was EA, I mentioned to my DM about my worries. She told me to stop being ridiculous and told me how lucky I was.

You will never be his wife, never be the mother to his children - or a mother at all, and you can't move him in as it's 'pressure'. So you're going to date him like this for the rest of your life?

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 11:43

So you're going to date him like this for the rest of your life?

I don't know Sad

OP posts:
mumeeee · 12/06/2015 11:45

Reading all the posts here. Makes me think that your boyfriend isn't actually a very nice person. I agree with other posters that have flagged up the nagging comment, that really isn't a nice thing to say.
If he was the right person for you and actually loved you. Then he would make an effort to go to your Grandmother's meal.

RhiWrites · 12/06/2015 11:45

I would say "Yes, I do mind. Gran has been generous to both of us and this is a way for us to show our appreciation. I would like you to come please and to do the social thing."

HellKitty · 12/06/2015 11:48

Sorry Ruby I really feel for you, it must be hard reading all these posts.

Fwiw, the putting money in a pot because you're skint isn't a nice thing to do, it's kind of what I'd expect. Whenever DP and me have been away in the past and one of us has been skint the other makes up without expecting a drumroll and fanfare.

Have you talked about anything major with him?

Tangerineandturquoise · 12/06/2015 11:52

You should know if this is how you want to date for the rest of your life.
You should be able to say- "Nope he's a boyfriend not my life mate- we are going to have a no strings relationship and I will move on"
It really shouldn't be on your radar that this treatment could be long term because you deserve better than that- if your family are the people you say they are and who love and want to be in your life, they deserve a bit more consideration
You don't have to be a diva to want a bit more from him than a few decorating tips- that's what your friends give you.
Your boyfriend gives you his last Rolo, and your life long partner would give you his all.

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2015 12:17

What Tangerineandturquoise said.

And if I was your mum I wouldn't think the sun shone out of him.

He sounds to me like he's okay for now, but if your feelings for him deepen either your life will have to change or you're in for a world of hurt because he won't be what you want him to be.

TheChandler · 12/06/2015 12:29

He can be anti-social all he likes but if he is having his holiday paid by someone and is invited to dinner, then he should go out of manners. If he pays his own way, then slightly more reasonable of him not to go (some people are averse to family things, though personally I can't see why a one off wouldn't hurt him). But he isn't even paying for his own holiday.

Pathetic really.

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 12:33

Being anti social isn't an excuse anyway. I'm very anti-social but I swallow it when it comes to socialising with my DP's family because it's important to him that I make an effort. And he does the same with mine.

PatriciaHolm · 12/06/2015 12:42

"he knows he's on to a good thing with me because I don't nag and we do fun things together"

So, essentially, he wants a nice little placid girlfriend who won't complain when he's a twat, entertains him, sleeps with him. BUT he doesn't want a relationship with a grown woman with her own opinions, or a family, or anything that might require a little bit of effort, like, you know, marriage or kids or her own. The pet analogy isn't bad actually.

And plenty of women get stuck with abusive partners because their families only see the partner's nice side and refuse to believe them.

He's totally self obsessed, and does nice things for you sometimes (just enough) to get you to stick around, to hang on, because you never know, he might be nicer more often if you do what he wants, and he might be nicer if you don't argue...etc..not because he's particularly fond of you, but because it works for him to keep you around.

I know this sounds harsh, but better harsh now than trying to escape a couple more years in.

lougle · 12/06/2015 16:10

I think the question is whether you think that this relationship is temporary or permanent? If you think if could be permanent, then are you happy to remain unmarried and with no children? Because your boyfriend has told you that neither of those are remotely interesting to him and they aren't really compromise situations.

Icimoi · 12/06/2015 16:19

At the weekend he did an activity with me that involved heights and he hates heights but he still did it and tried to enjoy it

That's encouraging. Could you get him to think of this as not so much a "family thing" which he does not do, but more something he should do to thank someone who has been very kind to him, and something he should do for your sake?

AlternativeTentacles · 12/06/2015 17:21

he's offered to put more spending money in the pot for our weekend break at the end of the month because he knows I'm skint with the house.

Normal thing to do. Give and take = normal.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights So he can afford to put money in the pot for a weekend away but can't afford the flights and takes the money from an old lady but won't attend her birthday party even though she has asked for him to attend?

The5DayChicken · 12/06/2015 17:46

He's a grown man. He shouldn't need to be coached into seeing this situation a different way in order to get him to go.

An elderly lady who doesn't know him particularly well has given him a very generous gift and he's now actively avoiding spending time with her despite accepting that gift. We're taught not to behave that way as children.

LapsedTwentysomething · 12/06/2015 18:06

He sounds like a bit of a manchild to me. If you can put up with that (and alienating your family) while you wait to see if he'll be more sociable when he grows up, that's up to you.

DH was never much of a family man, though that changed as he matured and now he's a fantastic dad and absolute great with my family. Apart from his DPs, he doesn't see much of his own though.

momtothree · 12/06/2015 18:21

So... he dosent want to marry you, live with you or have children with you. Hes happy youre buying a place so you can shag in peace, while you cook and pay the bills. Hes happy that you dont nag ... because when you want more that will be nagging and hell leave you. Hes got it all without giving back. He wont change but you might. You might want kids, be married and SHARE your life with someone who wants to SHARE theirs... sorry I could have wrote this 15 years ago.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/06/2015 18:32

What momtothree just said. Her post ^^ will save you a heap of anguish, OP, if you take it on board. What you're posting is probably just the tip, the stuff you can bear to mention, I expect there is more and suspect that it is worse.

Up to you. Regardless though, YOU should be spending more time with your gran, you're still a person with your own identity aren't you? 18 months is nothing at all... and he's been offered but doesn't want to join in with your family, so leave him where he is - on his own. It doesn't mean that you don't participate or visit with family anymore just because you have a boyfriend.

Regarding the money that your gran has spent on flights, either she can afford that or she can't. If she can't then that's on you - your loyalty should be with her and you should not accept.

Gabilan · 12/06/2015 19:37

"I don't want to know about previous relationships"

It's not something you want to ramble on about on a first date but it's a good idea to find out something. People's relationship history can tell you quite a bit about them. If they have a string of exes who hate them, there's a good chance you'll eventually find out where the hatred comes from.

As for the nice things he's done - well he took chocs around to your gran's on the way to somewhere else and met your brother when he was in the same city. These things give you the impression he's nice whilst costing him hardly any effort. When he's actually required to make an effort, he won't do it.

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