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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should go to this meal?

119 replies

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:01

Me and boyfriend don't do the family thing with each other, ie we don't go to each other's family meals and functions. He's quiet and dislikes having to make conversation with people he doesn't know.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights. My lovely gran offered to pay for us and we went round the day after with a nice plant and some chocolates to say thanks. On the phone my gran said she'd love to see more of boyfriend and my mum hinted that she feels really uninvolved in my life since I started going out with him 18 months ago. My gran has helped me out so much recently and I feel bad about this.

It's her 80th next week and my family is going out for a meal to celebrate. She said she'd love it if boyfriend came so I asked him last night if he was free on the date. He said 'yeah will be why' and I asked him to come to the meal. He replied 'erm you know I don't really do the family thing, do you mind if I give it a miss?' Sad I'd planned to sit him on the end of the table so he didn't have to make conversation with anyone because I know he wouldn't like it. I didn't press it because he's stubborn, if he doesn't see why it would be nice on his part to come then I can't really explain it to him. AIBU to think he could have just said yes?

OP posts:
iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 12/06/2015 09:29

I think that, regardless of previous 'agreements' re family obligations -

in this instance, an elderly lady paid at last minute for flights for HIM (and you) out of kindness.

She's like to see you both at her special 80th party.

it would be really really unkind of him not to go to this one!

HellKitty · 12/06/2015 09:32

Ruby, are you happy with the thought of never having children or getting married? Or do you think he'll change his mind on both?

Also, it's amazingly kind of your Nan to pay for your trip and I think he's a bit of a brat to not go to her meal.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/06/2015 09:35

Of course the miserable ungrateful sod should go. Your grandmother will be so upset if he doesn't even show his face to thank her for a hugely generous gift. He sounds quite unpleasant, with his inability to even try to act like a functioning adult.

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 09:36

Ruby I hope you don't end up with this person. Don't grow apart from your family or morph your dreams and expectations to fit in with his very insular ones.

"Granny has paid for our break I think it's ungracious of you not to go as she especially wanted to see you"

Sounds more than a bit of shyness and being socially awkward.

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:41

HellKitty, I haven't thought about having kids yet. I have a lot to get sorted first. He does have many good qualities I promise (and I'm not just making excuses!). I don't know, I feel very confused about it all Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:42

Thank you, at least it's nice to know I'm NBU! It's just a bit of a shitty situation

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 12/06/2015 09:50

I don't think he's ever going to change but with regard to the Granny's 80th I think you gave up too soon. With this one, I think you should try again explaining how it would be kind and gracious to do it just this once, how he could sit at the end of the table etc. Tell him your grandmother would really appreciate it. Surely he'd have to have a heart of stone not to make an effort just this once.

Would be interesting to see how he copes. If he is rude and doesn't make an effort at the meal then you might be glad he never comes!

WyrdByrd · 12/06/2015 09:51

I would think long and hard about this relationship, regardless of his good points tbh.

Firstly refusing to come to your nan's 80th after she's paid for your break recently is just bloody rude.

Secondly - the comment about ending up with a wife and family and his relationship with his own family would ring huge alarm bells.

Lastly - my DH and parents don't really have a relationship. We have been together nearly 19 years and this has come about over time and lots of issues between DH and my Mum. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other really, but he has made the decision to back off almost completely. My mum, in spite of endlessly moaning about him and never ending PA comments, is constantly on my case about how we are not a 'proper family' (DD and I see/speak to her and my dad all the time) and had regular meltdowns over his lack of interest in having/rebuilding a relationship with them.

If your DP has this attitude now, it doesn't bode well for the future and being constantly stuck in the middle of your partner and parents is fucking hard work Sad Angry

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 12/06/2015 09:53

Obviously I don't know you and your boyfriend from a few short paragraphs on the Internet.....but I'm going to say this:

If you are already not sure, DO NOT plod along hoping that he'll change because he won't. I said up thread I was with someone like this and I ended up miserable too. My family worried for me, I was basically morphing into him. It was awful. We bought a house together and it's another story for another time but I'm still not free of him and his bitter ways.

Leave him behind and be happy. Don't wait around to see if it'll get better. It might. It might not. Don't risk it and don't waste your time.

Penfold007 · 12/06/2015 09:57

So he's happy to accept money but not to attend an 80th birthday party. Cancel the holiday and give Gran her money back.

AlternativeTentacles · 12/06/2015 10:01

He hates children HellKitty, we're both in our twenties so he might change his mind but he said the other day his 'life would be ruined' if he ever ended up with a wife and kids

Well, there you go then. I'd take his ticket off him and take someone that is worth taking. He is what we call an entitled prick.

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:02

Thank you for the replies, I might broach the subject again.

Wyrd I'm sorry to hear that, it does sound bloody hard work and not something I want to be caught up in. Interestingly enough it exactly mimics how my dad has been with my mum growing up, how have I managed to end up with someone the same Confused

ICanTuck, I've recently just got my own house as my independence is very important to me (having seen the mess caused by the breakdown of my parents marriage). Is it weird I didn't ask him to move in with me after 18 months of being together? That's what caused him to split with his last gf so I just left it.

OP posts:
WyrdByrd · 12/06/2015 10:07

Is it weird I didn't ask him to move in with me after 18 months of being together?

I'd say it was very wise!

desertmum · 12/06/2015 10:09

I would move on before you invest more time (and your gran's money) on him. Listen to what he is telling you because that is who he is. He doesn't want a wife, he doesn't want children and his last gf got dumped when she tried to move the relationship to the next phase.

He is rude and ungrateful and I agree with ops that you should take his ticket off him and take someone else with you who will be grateful and enjoy spending time with you.

CatsCantTwerk · 12/06/2015 10:13

YANBU. The only time I was with a partner like that who would not socialise with any of my family it was an abusive relationship. I realise now that he would not have anything to do with my family for the simple fact they would have spotted a mile off what kind of person he was and would have told me to run for the hills.

Not saying you are in the same situation but I know now if my dd was in a relationship like that there would be red flags flashing before my eyes.

WyrdByrd · 12/06/2015 10:14

My DH and parents started off OK - he even took it upon himself to go round and introduce himself to them while I was at work after we'd been together a few weeks (he was dropping off something for my 21st birthday the following day - not being creepy!).

Over the years and particularly since we've been married and had DD, there have been numerous fallings out and things said - tbh it's mostly my mum, but she will backtrack and apologise and then he digs his heels in and is reluctant to let bygones be bygones.

I have to take some responsibility as I have moaned to parents about DH when we've had a rough patch and vice versa which wasn't the wisest thing to do.

Mum can be very hard work in many ways, and whilst I understand the reasons for a lot of her behaviour, I can also understand why DH doesn't want to engage anymore, but I do wish he would suck it up for mine and DD's sake if nothing else, particularly since I've taken bucketfuls from his family over the years and still manage to be civilised with them.

We've had an episode this week between Mum and DH which is a pita as DD is performing in a show next month and all of us plus MIL are going and will be sat together...such fun Hmm!

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:17

Of course YANBU. Both DP and myself are massive introverts, find being around large groups of people quite draining, etc etc. Yet we both love our families and make time for each other's. I think he is being selfish.

This also does not bode well for the future. Could you accept this in the long term? I couldn't.

Tangerineandturquoise · 12/06/2015 10:17

He doesn't seem to like close attachments- so as nice as he is to you, is he committed? It doesn't sound like it-and it doesn't sound like he will change, from what you have written he seems to have issues
He doesn't have to be committed to you- lots of people date with no intention of getting married- but there is no reason to suppose he will change his view of your relationship. Especially from what you have said about his last relationship ending.

To him you are probably more like a pet than a soul mate (and yes I know some people have a deep connection with their pets) he gives you nice things and attention- but doesn't put himself out for you.

Why did you Grandma even end up knowing you couldn't afford the flights? She has been slightly used by the sound of things- you both/he gets what you want and she doesn't even get him pitching up for dinner, it almost seems like she tried to buy a way into his affections and has been rebuffed.

He doesn't have to be your "one" or even someone very special but you do sound like you are blurring the lines between someone serious in your life and someone not serious.
If you are in a serious relationship then he is being unreasonable not to sacrifice a few hours of his life to say thank you and hello
If you aren't then you shouldn't have let your gran buy the tickets and he isn't being unreasonable

Obviously if you are serious then once he has had the almighty row with your family over the breakfast table then he is more than reasonable to say he doesn't want to go. Wink

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:18

Just seen your comment about him not wanting kids. Do you want kids? If so you need to leave this relationship now. You won't change his mind.

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:19

Sorry, didn't RTFT. Saw you haven't decided if you want kids or not yet.

Hullygully · 12/06/2015 10:20

No

He is not for the long term under any circs

nononononononononononononononononono

Original poster
rubyroux · 12/06/2015 10:36

Tangerine Thanks for the suggestion that I'm more like a dog than a girlfriend and insinuating that I'm trying to con my elderly gran out of money Hmm. Not that I even have to explain myself but I told my mum we weren't going anymore as couldn't afford and she brought it up in conversation with my gran who absolutely insisted that she pay as a treat.

He's hard to work out, in some ways he's extremely committed but then other times he's not. I don't know. I'm happy now but know if I do want to settle down and have kids he's not the right person. But do I end a relationship where I'm happy now because future me won't be happy? I just don't know, it's all very confusing.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 12/06/2015 10:37

So he's a user.

Her lets an elderly lady pay for his flights for him but is too selfish and rude to go to her 80th birthday party when she's invited him.

He's really not a nice person to behave in this way. You might think otherwise, but he's showing his true colours here. I know plenty of introverts but they aren't nasty people and wouldn't snub your Grandmother like this.

The loathing children is not a good sign either. I don't 'like kids' as in I don't find them particularly interesting as a group of people, to me it's as weird to 'love kids' as to say you 'love people who are 5'7" tall'. I don't go out of my way to hang out with other people's kids. But I'm not horrible to them, I play and chat with them if we are around, I don't really hate them. I don't understand how someone can dislike every member of a group of people. It's like saying 'I hate black people' or 'I hate people who live in Swindon'. All very odd way of thinking.

But - it's obvious he doesn't want children. If you are thinking long term you absolutely must NOT be thinking he might change his mind. People are often very sure one way or the other. Not wanting children (without hating them) is as valid as feeling that you want them one day.

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:37

But do I end a relationship where I'm happy now because future me won't be happy?

Sorry, but yes.

iamadaftcoo · 12/06/2015 10:38

in some ways he's extremely committed

In what ways?

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