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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should go to this meal?

119 replies

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 09:01

Me and boyfriend don't do the family thing with each other, ie we don't go to each other's family meals and functions. He's quiet and dislikes having to make conversation with people he doesn't know.

We were planning a weekend city break at the end of the month then circumstances meant we couldn't afford the flights. My lovely gran offered to pay for us and we went round the day after with a nice plant and some chocolates to say thanks. On the phone my gran said she'd love to see more of boyfriend and my mum hinted that she feels really uninvolved in my life since I started going out with him 18 months ago. My gran has helped me out so much recently and I feel bad about this.

It's her 80th next week and my family is going out for a meal to celebrate. She said she'd love it if boyfriend came so I asked him last night if he was free on the date. He said 'yeah will be why' and I asked him to come to the meal. He replied 'erm you know I don't really do the family thing, do you mind if I give it a miss?' I'd planned to sit him on the end of the table so he didn't have to make conversation with anyone because I know he wouldn't like it. I didn't press it because he's stubborn, if he doesn't see why it would be nice on his part to come then I can't really explain it to him. AIBU to think he could have just said yes?

OP posts:

Original poster

rubyroux · 12/06/2015 20:08

Thank you for the added replies, I'm reading and digesting

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 13:02

I think men who like children and are at ease with them are very attractive. I also think men who are respectful to elderly people are very attractive.

I wouldn't be attracted to this sort of bloke at all. He sounds like he's using you and very selfish.

You say your mum loves him, but she does feel uninvolved in your life (even though you're still at home) since you've been with him. How do those two things occur?

CactusAnnie · 13/06/2015 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rubyroux · 13/06/2015 13:16

Update! Today I said I really thought he should come next week and he said he'd been thinking and it did look rude if he didn't come so... He's coming!

OP posts:

mumeeee · 13/06/2015 14:12

That is good news rubyroux, I'm glad he has changed his mind and is now coming with you to the meal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2015 14:37

A result of sorts, ruby, I hope he will be a gracious guest.

I agree with CactusAnnie very much about accepting the money from your gran. Bad form of your mum too if that's what happened, it sounds very much like 'rattling a moneybox'.

You and your boyfriend should, if you are going to take the money for the flights - then pay them back and no messing about with that.

Original poster

rubyroux · 13/06/2015 14:44

Yes I hope it goes okay! And I do see what you're saying lying and see how it could come across but she'd be so offended if we rejected her gift. I'll offer to pay though but I know what she'll say! She treats her grandchildren all the time, she's bought similar things for my brother and his gf recently so I'm not the only one!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2015 14:54

Then make sure she gets a whopping basket of flowers/goodies from your boyfriend; he is not her grandchild, ruby, nor to be 'treated' by default.

Original poster

rubyroux · 13/06/2015 18:43

Definitely lying!!!

OP posts:

Tangerineandturquoise · 13/06/2015 18:44

I am pleased he is going- but I still think you two need to have a couple of conversations

HellKitty · 15/06/2015 07:54

Really pleased ruby! Hope everything goes well

Sleepybeanbump · 15/06/2015 08:00

Explain that the lady whose invitation he is declining is paying for his holiday, and has said she would like him there.

And then reconsider your relationship if he says no. There's antisocial (and I am VERY antisocial) and then there's rude.

Fauxlivia · 15/06/2015 08:17

Tbf to the boyfriend, he didn't ask for the tickets - he would probably prefer not to have them and not be obligated to OPs gran. If that's the case then you should give gran back her money. Bf has never been anything other than truthful about what he wants/doesn't want.

The thing is though ruby, he's not seeing you as a life partner, just a sexual one and therefore sees no need to blur the lines too much by getting involved in each other's families. If you are not happy with this then you should leave him.

At his core he is selfish - a nice man would go to dinner or insist on returning grans money. Life is too short to spend it with a selfish man imo.

Fauxlivia · 15/06/2015 08:22

xposted. I hope it works out for you. I do think the children thing is insurmountable though unless you definitely don't want kids and at the moment you think you might.

WyrdByrd · 15/06/2015 08:44

at his core he is selfish

To be fair, that, along with being somewhat immature, would apply to an awful lot of 25 year olds.

Absolutely not an excuse in this particular situation, and relationship definitely needs some though, but I'm not sure the bloke needs to written off just yet.

TendonQueen · 15/06/2015 09:12

That's good progress. I would be very observant about his behaviour and your own (ie how much you modify yours to fit in with his wants) from here on, so you can evaluate how much he brings to your life and where he detracts from it. One area for me where this was quite a revelation was serious illness and how people respond to it: my DH was utterly brilliant, shouldered all sorts of burdens for me and my family. One friend who was a let down then is, for unrelated reasons, not in my life anymore, but looking back I can see it as an indicator of character. Your indicators may come from other things but keep a look out for them. A slightly unsociable person who will nevertheless put himself out when it's needed is a different proposition to one who can be generous when it suits but ultimately will not do much for others.

Fudgeface123 · 15/06/2015 09:13

I think your comment about him being very interested in your house is a bit of a red flag. Just be careful with this guy OP

TheChandler · 15/06/2015 09:28

I think its telling that its a monetary gift that's persuaded him to go to the dinner.

Do you know anything about his upbringing OP? Are the rest of his family rude or socially gauche too? He sounds incredibly badly brought up.

You are probably a bit inclined to overlook his flaws just now, but in time they might become unbearable. I once tried going out with a very good looking man lol this, privately educated, good job and a but mysterious. Eventually I realised there was no mystery and he just had poor social skills. When I eventually was allows to.meet his family (we bumped into them by chance), they were lovely but it became apparent that they were highly libertarian, and he was a spoilt brat, not attractive in a mid thirties adult. He has since lurched from short term relationship to disaster (2 children with 2 different women from accidental pregnancies he doesn't support because he gave up.his job). One of them by his first internet Thai girlfriend.

What I am saying is these flaws tend to catch up with people in the end unless they make a conscious effort. Dont waste too.much time on him.

chipshop · 15/06/2015 09:46

DP and I were like this for a couple of years. He said he didn't want to meet and spend time with my family. Turned out his ex's family were a nightmare. I wasn't bothered as I had such a busy life it worked well not to be included on his family visits!

A few years on and we're close to each other's families tho. It happened naturally. My family thought DP's initial reticence was hilarious and have had a lot of fun winding him up about it.

Im glad your DP has agreed to go. I don't think he sounds that bad!

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