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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a baby alone?

116 replies

rabidcur · 03/03/2015 19:05

Late 30s and single - is this hugely unreasonable? It may be my only chance to be a Mum.

How hard is being a parent? Would you do it all again?

OP posts:

LadyStark · 03/03/2015 19:07

YANBU

My SIL did the same in similar circumstances and whilst it's tough, so worth it.

Horseradishes · 03/03/2015 19:09

Yanbu. I would go for it, I did

fattymcfatfat · 03/03/2015 19:11

not the same circumstances but in july I will be a single mum to three! 2 of them under 2!. being a mum is hard work no point in lying. but it is worth every single second

TooTiredToThinkOfAUsername · 03/03/2015 19:12

I would think it depends partly on how much support you have near you and how resilient you are as a person. I am not terribly. But some people are. A friend of mine has done it solo and it is hard for her. But I'm sure she doesn't regret it for a moment. She does have a lot of support from family though.

VikingLady · 03/03/2015 19:13

I don't see why not! Starting out parenting in a couple is no guarantee of remaining that way.

londonrach · 03/03/2015 19:14

Yanbu my best friend has done it and has the best most beautiful loved little boy you can imagine who is 1 year old now. Her whole extended family including her brothers think hes amazing!!!!!! All that matters is the child is loved and cared for. Go for it! (Danish sperm is good). . My friend by the way is very attractive but chosen bad men. She has her perfect boy now and cant be happier!!!

ifgrandmahadawilly · 03/03/2015 19:14

YANBU. I would rather be a single mother than give up on the chance of motherhood.

TooManyMochas · 03/03/2015 19:17

I would think hard before deciding. I have two young DCs with an OH and don't think I could have done it on my own. DC1 was / is a poor sleeper and the sleep deprivation very nearly broke me (I ended up on anti-Ds). I'm not 100% sure I would have made it without a very supportive OH. I love my DCs to bits, but I don't think I realised quite how emotionally and physically draining they would be - DCs are relentless . Having an OH means there's someone to pic up the slack when I'm ill or knackered or just need some 'alone time' [have just fobbed bedtime off on him after a tiring day]. I know I sound negative and I don't want to be. I guess it partly depends on how much family support you can draw on.

redautumnleaves · 03/03/2015 19:18

I did it, under exactly same circumstances. Best thing I ever did. Every day I look at her and think how lucky I am.

AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone · 03/03/2015 19:18

YANBU

Do it ! I don't have the same circumstances as you but for (many reasons) I have spent lots of time considering if I would do this (both before and after I had my DS) - and the answer remains an overriding yes !

Good luck OP.

redautumnleaves · 03/03/2015 19:20

It was/is hard. But it is worth it. Pm me if you want.

Original poster

rabidcur · 03/03/2015 19:22

Yes - I think it is the worry of having no one to 'pick up the slack' as it were that largely makes me hesitate.

OP posts:

TwoOddSocks · 03/03/2015 19:24

YANBU I don't think being a single parent would work for everyone but if you think you could manage it go for it. I don't think I could do it alone but I know plenty who do a fabulous job with no partner; some have a network of friends and family to help others don't.

Original poster

rabidcur · 03/03/2015 19:25

I don't know if I'd do a fabulous job or not!

OP posts:

professornangnang · 03/03/2015 19:27

I think if you think if it's your last chance then go for it but it will be a tough road on your own. Even with a husband to share the work it's tough! :)

MidniteScribbler · 03/03/2015 19:27

I did it and DS is worth it. Whilst all parenting is a challenge, I don't think it's been impossibly hard. I hear some friends talk about their relationships and just think thank god I can just get on with it and do things my own way.

Totality22 · 03/03/2015 19:31

I struggle some days and I have a partner and lots of nearby family and friends (my folks, pil, some of our siblings all within 20 mins walk)

Being a mum is relentless, never ending and often thankless. I'd be demented if I had to do it all alone, all of the time.

That said I know some single mum's that put me to shame! Maybe I am just crap.

Important things to consider are your finances, your support network, your longer term work plans and your emergency plans (ie what would happen to your child should something happen to you!)

I could not imagine life without my children but I would never been able to go it alone.

editthis · 03/03/2015 19:46

I think it would be so, so hard at times - particularly in the first year, when it's scary and you don't know what you're doing.

I consider myself and my husband each to have a strong, individual bond with our daughter – but I sometimes look at the single parents I know and think that their bonds with their children is undiluted, borne of those difficult, long nights coping alone – and surviving! Of course, this is probably nonsense. But I tend to think that the harder something is, the greater dividends it pays. I'm quite sure you wouldn't regret it. Good luck, whatever you decide.

lovesleep2 · 03/03/2015 19:48

I would go for it. Really, you need to think about the future. Will you always regret not having a child if you didn't go for it? Or is it something that you can look back on and think that hey, I didn't have a child but I did get to do x, y, and z.

My body is screaming out for a baby.I will regret not having another one which is a tricky wicket with my dp at the moment (sigh)

Out of interest, how would you do this? Are there certain agencies?

fizzycolagurlie · 03/03/2015 19:49

I have a friend who did this. She was turning 40 and thought, it now or never.

She works from home (she has an office in her home) and she has parents and siblings with kids - so there is plenty of other family around for weekends, holidays etc. And if she ever gets really ill, they will be there to help her out.

Do you have a support network like this? I think its the essential thing really, beyond being healthy and financially stable.

juneybean · 03/03/2015 19:50

YANBU go for it, I'm doing it at 29 :)

Charlotte3333 · 03/03/2015 19:52

It would be incredibly hard. Parent is incredibly hard full stop, regardless of your situation.

That said, I'd do it in a heartbeat. DS1's Dad left when he was 5 months, it was honest to goodness the toughest thing I've ever experienced. But I wouldn't go back in time and change a thing. Parenting is the absolute best thing to have ever happened to me. If you want it, do it. There's nothing selfish about having a child you're going to love and cherish.

LittleBairn · 03/03/2015 19:52

I had planned to do this then I met my DH.
But having now been through pregnancy 3 times I'm so very glad I didn't do it alone. Having had 2 late term MC I don't think I could have coped alone. In my 3rd pregnancy I spent 5 weeks in hospital I would have been very lonely without my DH.

So I would ask you, do you have a good strong support network of people that you can rely on to be with you should the pregnancy or delivery not go to plan?

Original poster

rabidcur · 03/03/2015 19:52

Unfortunately no I don't have a support network of any description, really.

OP posts:

monkeyfacegrace · 03/03/2015 19:53

God do it do it do it.

Imagine getting to mid 40s and knowing the choice has been taken away from you.

If you have the slightest maternal feelings at all just do it. People single parent all day every day.

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