to have a baby alone?

[rabidcur]

Late 30s and single - is this hugely unreasonable? It may be my only chance to be a Mum.

How hard is being a parent? Would you do it all again?

I think it is bollocks that having a child "completes" you and I think that myth is responsible for a lot of the unhappiness in the world. However, the urge to have children - be it from biological or social forces - is huge. Just be very aware of the downsides and that children ime cause more problems than they solve.

OP is in her late 30s.

OP I assume you are referring to my comment when you refer to not having a "gay male friend". You will note that I didn't refer to a gay male friend.

Just as there are many women out there with the urge to have a child (whatever their sexuality)there are many single straight men out there who long to be fathers (the urge to have children can be just as strong in men) but never get the opportunity, and would welcome the chance to co-parent a child with a woman. I do know of situations where this has happened, and the sexuality of the two parents is irrelevant, they are just two people who both wish to have a child (but are obviously not in a relationship together).

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if you knew of men (gay/straight/bisexual/whatever) that potentially may be in that situation.

You seem to assume that all of us on the thread have very stereotypical view of sexuality and the desire to be a parent.

With no support network?! I, personally, don't know if I could do it. Financially no way. I have an 18 mo dd and a dh that works more than full time, sometimes away for a week or so and without the help of my parents and inlaws I would be broken. Having said that I have never smiled (and cried) so much in the last 18 months, well 28 months including the pregnancy and my daughter is the most amazing little thing that I couldn't ever imagine being without now.

My heart says just go for it, for me, life without my dc would not be life worth living.
But I have a dp and no major financial worries.

Can you afford childcare? Do you have an emotional support network?

If yes and yes then I would just get on with it.

Btw I'm surprised posters are taking issue with your sexuality. Can't see what difference that makes.

What worries me most about your plan is you complete lack of support and wider family. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine going through IVF, pregnancy, childbirth and then raising a child with absolutely no one there to help or be involved. Becoming a parent is an exciting, but also frightening and sometimes isolating experience. I've done with it a partner, a large extended family and plenty of friends - the thought of going through all that alone makes me fear for you (and your potential DC).

Also, what is your financial situation? My cousin has had two DC on her own, but she is a very successful and comfortably off woman with her own home, a good job with excellent benefits, plenty of savings, the ability to pay for childcare, etc. It is entirely possible to do what you plan to do, please don't underestimate the costs involved - costs that will have to be shouldered by you alone.

I have a 6 month old. My husband and I don't have any local family and it's not easy and will get harder as the baby gets older. While she is young and I'm on maternity leave it's fine (although I'm at the stage where I am wanting to leave her with my husband so I can do a few things by myself).

The things that would concern me are finances- i could not afford childcare, mortgage etc myself. You'd need a very good wage. What would happen if you needed a week in hospital with a 2 year old at home? Who would care for them?

never mind your sexuality, practicalities first given that you will be doing this ENTIRELY alone:

• what's the financial plan? You don't have to be rich, but do you have enough?
• how will you fit your work (if that is where the money is to come from) round nursery and school hours, plus school holidays?
• what does happen when you are ill?
• if (very worst case) you die before the child is independent, who will take it on?

and yes, people do regret having kids - read that other thread. It's just that once the kid is there, there's no choice.

good luck in whatever you decide.

Repeats till blue in the face - I am on what I consider to be a comfortable wage, but even for my income, the childcare element of working tax credits still pays 70% of my childcare costs. Unless OP is earning significantly above the national median wage (in which case presumably she'd be financially pretty comfortable), she will not be paying £600 to £1000 per month in childcare all by herself.

And why do people assume that it's only family who can help out? I have good friends who have taken DS overnight, or done school pickups, or taken him to the park for an hour or two when I've been ill.

Yes, it's hard work, yes, you do have to think carefully about what support network you have in place - but there's no need for all the doom and gloom and scaremongering. It can be done. And in practical terms it's no different from having to do it because one's partner has died, or done a disappearing act.

I personally found that when I had a partner parenting was a million times easier than when I didnt. Despite the fact that exH was lazy and borderline abusive. When he left I had no support from anyone and that was the hardest part to cope with. Never having a break, never having anyone to help when I was ill/exhausted etc. It very nearly broke me.

That said, I think it would have been a lot easier if ds didn't have a disability. This is something else it might be worth considering as it was never something I factored into my plans at all since neither I or ExH have any history of disability in our families.

Having a SN child as a single parent with no support network could mean you have to give up everything for your child in a way that other parents don't. It's no impossible, but it's pretty close.

Personally, I wouldnt, mainly due to the lack of support more than anything else. I didn't realise how much I really needed it until it wasn't there.

OP said 'no support' so that's what I assumed.

Yes, it's not doom, gloom and scaremongering, just responding to what the OP said about having no support at all. Of course it's possible that she will make new friends who would be willing to help but there is no guarantee.

OP have you looked into childcare arrangements once the child is at school. Nursery places are easy enough but getting childcare for school holidays is often harder. If you can afford it, the easiest way would be to start with a nanny and then maybe switch to an au pair for a school aged child.

What is your work situation?

I would have done this. I would have chosen being a single mother over never being a mother. Now I am a (not single) mother of 2 and know how hard it is, I'm glad I never had to make that choice. I don't know how I would have coped. I find it hard enough as it is with a very supportive partner.
But it's easy for me to say that now, with a partner. I think I would have chosen to have kids whether partnered or not because for me, it was not a choice so much as a biological imperative. A sort of 'I must do this at all costs' type of feeling.
I was seriously looking into the single mum by choice thing then luckily met DP and bred, but my heart goes out to you I know how hard a decision it is.

I would absolutely go for it if you have a good job that you can go part time on. You don't have a support network now but that doesn't mean you can't create one. Are you capable of supporting yourself financially? Professional job?

Think about ways you can pay someone to be your support person. A nanny who you can trust to become part of your family. That person can be with you in the early years and then become a trusted babysitter later on.

Consider employing a nanny for at least three days a week so you can work and have some time out from parenting. In my experience employing someone to share your parenting load is a really great thing to do for your sanity and for your kids. If you can afford it, make it happen!