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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a baby alone?

116 replies

rabidcur · 03/03/2015 19:05

Late 30s and single - is this hugely unreasonable? It may be my only chance to be a Mum.

How hard is being a parent? Would you do it all again?

OP posts:
scoobydooagain · 03/03/2015 22:54

If you have no support, it is very difficult, for the 1st 4 years I did it all on my own (except help I paid for ), no grandparents, father , other relatives, it was like been under house arrest every evening. After 4 years, the father stepped up and what a difference to my life. If you really have no support, really consider it carefully.

PatriciaHolm · 03/03/2015 22:57

Honestly? I would suggest reading the other thread around right now that is titled something like "if you had your time again would you still have kids".

A lot of honesty, especially later in the thread, about how hard it is, and how hard it is as a mother to admit you regret it.

queenofthepirates · 03/03/2015 23:00

Do it!
I got to 35 and my biological clock was starting to cause interference on the TV. I am 40 with a beautiful 4yo DD. Best thing I ever did-she is amazing. Bonkers but amazing.

Jessica147 · 03/03/2015 23:01

northern, can you link to where you found those statistics please? I'd like to look at the research.

manicinsomniac · 03/03/2015 23:43

Also - this may not be a factor for you but I have a friend who looked into doing this and it would have cost her about £7000 for about a 50% chance of a successful pregnancy I think. That's a lot of money to lose if it doesn't work.

Original poster
rabidcur · 04/03/2015 07:01

Some really interesting posts here.

I'm not pregnant - apologies! I can see how my op might read as if I am.

Research actually indicates children from lesbian and single parent households where the mother has chosen to raise her child alone from the start (not abandoned in pregnancy etc.) have more positive outcomes than children raised in two parent households.

I am actually a gay woman so whatever my circumstances any child I would have would be "raised without a father."

OP posts:
Boofy27 · 04/03/2015 08:00

Although lesbians do seem to come out slightly ahead in terms of outcomes, it seems that the biggest single indicator for having an educationally successful child is for it not to be raised in poverty and, of course, these are just trends, it's perfectly possible for a poor, heterosexual couple to raise a child as well as you could.

VikingLady · 04/03/2015 09:00

I know a lot of unintentionally single parents who started out coupled up, and every single one says it is easier to parent alone than with an unhelpful partner. You can make decisions unilaterally, no constraints on your chosen parenting style to accommodate him/his upbringing/his in laws/his friends ideas, you can do more spontaneously too! It does mean you do t get a day off (unless you have family happy to take the baby) but most married mothers I know do t either.

Honestly, given the time over again and knowing what I do now, I would have gone it alone 5 years earlier.

hopingforamiracle · 04/03/2015 09:33

I'm 24 and seriously considering this within the next year or two. Men these days are like little boys, can't think for themselves, no sense of responsibility and don't want to commit. Every couple I know are either divorced/separated or in a miserable relationship. If a child is loved, has stability and support then they should turn out fine.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/03/2015 10:56

From your point of view, go for it.

But I think you need to think about it from the baby's perspective as well.

Is it fair to create a baby with no father and no other family/support? I'm honestly not sure. It's something I've thought about a lot. To create a baby by yourself is completely different to having a baby and separating from it's father.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/03/2015 10:59

Oops sorry, just seen that you're gay so let me rephrase my last post;

Is it fair to create a baby with no partner and no other family/support? I'm honestly not sure. It's something I've thought about a lot. To create a baby by yourself is completely different to having a baby and separating from it's other parent.

Babycham1979 · 04/03/2015 12:14

OutragedFromLeeds, I have to, reluctantly, agree. As someone who was brought-up excellently by a single mother, I can't help but think this is both naive and selfish.

OP, you seem to only be thinking about this in the context of what's easy or pleasing for you. What about the child though? A single parent is preferable to an abusive or unhappy childhood with two parents, but it's far from ideal. I actually think it would be irresponsible and unfair to consciously inflict such an arrangement on a child.

I know this isn't a popular view on MN, but having a child is not a right (just like it's often said on here that it's not a right for men to expect sex). It's a responsibility; this shouldn't be what amounts to a lifestyle choice that suits you, but major responsibility for another person's life and well-being.

hopingforamiracle · 04/03/2015 12:22

Babycham, nature is selfish. The act of having a child is selfish, think about it. It's a selfish, completely irrational, but natural desire. Are we wrong to have those human desires? Are we wrong to act upon them? We are doing what our body is telling us to do.

hopingforamiracle · 04/03/2015 12:23

Babycham, nature is selfish. The act of having a child is selfish, think about it. It's a selfish, completely irrational, but natural desire. Are we wrong to have those human desires? Are we wrong to act upon them? We are doing what our body is telling us to do.

Original poster
rabidcur · 04/03/2015 12:31

I agree that thinking of things from the perspective of the child is key.

Much like the 'should only the rich have children' that comes up as an argument on here there is an ideal and then what you have. I don't feel creating a child without a father/family support is necessarily selfish. After all, my parents died: because of this, I shouldn't become a parent? I realise this isn't quite what you're saying :) but if I was heterosexual and with a man who then left me that would be an identical set of circumstances - probably more painful - but I would not be viewed as selfish. Just unfortunate.

The planning aspect makes people uncomfortable and I cant help that.

My real question is centred around what I can cope with and what I really want.

OP posts:
BoredFatCat · 04/03/2015 12:35

i think you should if your life is in check why not

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 04/03/2015 12:56

I understand where you're coming from but investigate very, very carefully, so much depends on your temperament. Read the thread do you regret having children. Having children is not easy, I would not have wanted to do it alone. It's one thing to say it's easier than with an unhelpful partner but FAR better imo to hold out for a helpful partner.

BohemianRaptor · 04/03/2015 13:20

I don't think anything anyone says could prepare you for the challenges of single parenthood. Everyone's experiences are different and yes your personality and your child's will play a big part in how easy or difficult you find it.
The point made up thread about having someone love your child as you do to share in all the amazing things they do and say is more important than you might think.
I have no regrets, amazing family support and a very easy child but honestly I do not think I could have coped without my family. It is truly exhausting and regular breaks keep me sane and happy.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/03/2015 13:32

'if I was heterosexual and with a man who then left me that would be an identical set of circumstances - probably more painful - but I would not be viewed as selfish. Just unfortunate'

No, that is not identical. It's not even similar. For a start the child would have a father, just an absent one. If he leaves and doesn't have contact with the child then he is selfish. It's not your fault because you had no say over him being a shit dad. You are unfortunate to have been with him.
In the situation you're talking about you would be consciously and deliberately creating a child that would only have one parent. The only person to 'blame' for that situation is you. It's completely different to being let down by someone.

It's different to getting pregnant by accident or the other parent dying or anything like that because it's a conscious choice.

With regard to the 'should only rich people have children'. I do think only people who can provide for a child should have a child. You don't need to be rich, or anywhere near rich, but you should be able to feed, clothe and house said child.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/03/2015 13:41

BTW I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm on the fence about it, but I do think you need to think more deeply about the child's perspective than 'it's fine because it's the same as having an absent father and loads of fathers are absent'.

It's not about anyone else judging you as selfish either. It's about whether you can live with it. Presumably you will love this child more than anything and if not having a father hurts the child, then you've got live with that. If you die or suddenly become ill and there is no other parent or family member to take that child on, you've got to deal with that. I don't mean on a practical level, I mean the knowledge that your child is all alone in the world. There are so many things like that to really think about before you make the decision.

JohnCusacksWife · 04/03/2015 13:46

Outraged, you've said exactly what I was going to post.

RunnerHasbeen · 04/03/2015 13:47

I think you should get some "work experience" and start establishing a support network first, for maybe 6 months or so. Let all your friends with children know you are thinking about it and would love to babysit for them. Practice asking for a little bit of help here and there so you get out the habit of always soldiering on alone - ask for a friend to come with you to appointments for example. I genuinely think that offering and asking for help is a life skill that too many people see as a weakness, but most people actually like being asked, and can make so much difference when things are hard.

If the father thing bothers you, do you have a close male friend or a male couple you are close to that you think you could co-parent with? That would be easier in some ways, but only if the relationship is there - might be worth exploring though.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

YosemiteSim · 04/03/2015 13:49

YANBU to want to have a baby at all. But totally alone with no support network? Thats going to be very very tough.

Jessica147 · 04/03/2015 13:51

Again, can anyone actually link / reference the research which leads to claims like "studies show that kids do better in two-parent households"?

Also, Outraged, the other option for the child which the OP is thinking of having, is to never be born. So for this particular (potential) child, having a home with a loving single parent may well be preferable to never being alive in the first place.

I think you are wrong about that "babycham", the UN declaration on human rights (article 16) states, quite clearly, that everyone does have the right to found a family.

Jessica147 · 04/03/2015 13:52

Bolding fail! Sorry babycham!