to have a baby alone?

[rabidcur]

Late 30s and single - is this hugely unreasonable? It may be my only chance to be a Mum.

How hard is being a parent? Would you do it all again?

That said I know some single mum's that put me to shame! Maybe I am just crap

I feel like that too sometimes! But I think there are different types of strength. In many ways I'm a very strong person - the first twenty years of my life were incredibly shit in all sorts of ways and I got through it - its just that having DCs showed up weaknesses I wasn't aware of (how desperately I need sleep, how much I need to my own space for a bit everyday).

YANBU - I did it too and have a fantastic son. To be totally honest I met someone at the age of 35 (biological clock was like big ben). Decided to have a child, kept the child and dumped the man Son does have a good relationship with his father though.

Then I think you should perhaps think about it a little longer before deciding. You will need help at some point.

Practical issues: What is your maternity package at work? Can you extend it if need be and take a sabbatical if needed? Could you afford that? Do you have family close by who will support you and you DC if you e.g. have severe PND (you won't necessarily recognise it yourself and it can take years to recover from it)? Can you afford full time childcare? Do you have understanding employers who will allow you time off for a sick child/parents evenings/school holidays? What if you have a seriously ill child, how will you manage that? The more money you have the easier this all will be because you will be able to afford to outsource some of this.

As far as emotional issues go, there was a discussion on here a while ago about making the decision to remain childless and someone said 'it took having children to make me realise that I would have been just as happy not having children'. Having a child on your own will be very hard work and there is no going back and you then have another life dependent on you forever.
I think as a society we put a lot of pressure on women to want children but they are not the answer to everything and can put the most stable relationship under strain. Of course single parents can raise children successfully but I'm not sure I'd encourage someone to choose to do it.

Yes do it. I thought about this at one point when i had just met OH and time was a ticking. In the end i had a baby with OH. And now i know what it's like to have a child i would say 100 pc do it alone if the other choice is no. My OH works very long hours and it is not hugely different to being a single parent and absolutely doable. Hard yes but not tooo hard. It would help if finances allowed you some childcare help to take pressure off occasionally. I am sure you would regret not doing it. You never meet women who regret their kids do u?

No, as said, I have no one to support me and potential dc.

I think my parents regretted kids; I think people do. Which is why I want to give it serious thought.

Some parents may regret it but the vast majority don't regret it.
The not having a support network would put me off but then again I admit I probably would go ahead if I really felt that it was my last chance to ever have a baby.

Can you support yourself and a baby? My next concern would be the practicalities work, childcare etc.

I have no support (parents deceased, no siblings). It's still not impossible. A good day care centre, and get yourself some good reliable babysitters that you can use when needed. It will cost you, but you do need them.

A lot of it has to do with letting go of some expectations. Hardest days were when I had the flu, but I got some basic food delivered and DS and I just spent a lot of time in my bed watching cartoons and eating toast. Not textbook parenting, but we survived.

I've done it and have twins. It's fantastic. Far and away the best decision I have ever made.

Consider seriously what it will be like to NEVER have any time to stop and collect your thoughts. A baby, even one that isn't high needs, is incredibly hard. I say this as a mum in a very supportive marriage with a much loved son. I don't have family close by or a support network beyond my husband and there are days that I find it really difficult.

But, ds is just wonderful, I absolutely adore him and he makes me giggle with his snuffly little cheeky faces. He clings onto me like a snuggly koala and pulls my eye lashes. He says eeeeeee instead of cheese - it is gorgeous. And he brings me my slippers when I'm least expecting it.

But he also won't sleep some nights, he doesn't nap easily and he can go through spells of crying for no reason. It is the toughest thing.

It's such a hard choice ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Are you pregnant?
Having a baby can create a support network: my NCT friends and then school gate mates became those I hung out with with DC and did reciprocal childcare, and discussed all the niggly worries with.
Hardships include :
Money. Can you house yourself, pay bills and childcare on your income (plus tax credits etc)
Sharing : someone else who loves your child like you do to share the pride with, and the long nights of terror : is it meningitis or a temperature , should we call the doctor, etc
Evenings. You, the baby, the TV. And repeat. Ok if you have friends who will come round with a bottle of wine.

I am very fortunate that I have two lovely children and a husband, however, I think if I were in your position and my desire to have a child and be a mummy was strong, I would go for it.

Just because someone is a single parent, doesn't mean they cant be a good parent. And even if you don't have local support from family, doesn't mean you cannot access lots of services and groups for parents that are available all over the UK.

Go for it.

Loads of 'fathers' act like an extra baby anyway.

I had one on my own and it was fine. But it helps if you have money and a good support network.

I am 24 and chose to have my second knowing I would be doing it alone I don't get any help it's hard but the bEst decision I ever made.

The single from the start parents I know tend to be less stressed than the ones who've gone through difficult break ups/divorces and are now, for want of a better phrase, parenting 'against' their former partners/husbands.

Personally I wouldn't unless i was doing it with someone who would play an active role in the child's life. If it was truly alone i.e. using donor sperm then i wouldn't but I acknowledge I'm old fashioned & clearly out of step in that respect.

Do it. I did. My best decision . Ever.

If I had a penny for every time I heard, "Oh god, how do you cope without a man?!" or "Oh god, I couldn't cope without my partner/husband!"

Bottom line? You can cope. You do cope. You just get on with it.

I have always been a single parent to my 7.5yo daughter and my eyes want to roll into the back of my head whenever somebody talks to me about how "hard" I must find parenting. The fact of the matter is: I don't know any better. I know what I know and I just crack on with it.

Children will exhaust you no matter what your relationship status is. Sleep deprivation will feel just as crappy no matter how many hands are on board. Worrying about childcare when your little one is ill is standard for every working parent. Struggling to keep on top of the house whilst working and raising a child is a gripe every parent faces. You will occasionally daydream about locking your little darling in the shed so that you can drown out their noise and have 2 minutes peace - just like everyone else!

My advice? If you want a child, have a child. Get yourself enrolled onto your nearest NCT group so that you can make some local friends - they will become your support network. Start looking into maternity pay/leave at your work so that you know how long/how much you'll have. Look into childcare options ASAP and do the math - can you afford on your wages or would it be possible to claim any tax credits to help you. Also see if your work do a childcare voucher scheme.

Relationship status is meaningless when it comes to being a good/bad parent. Being married/single doesn't give you a free pass into perfect parenthood. It just makes you married/single.

My sister had her DS at the end of 2013. Her idea of coping is taking my nephew to the park by herself for a couple of hours - without her DP there to help.

My idea of coping is juggling a 30 hour working week with no childcare in place when my dd gets sick and can't go to school. It means catching maybe an hour of broken sleep at night. It means juggling work commitments and swapping shifts around last minute, thoroughly pissing off my colleagues. It means putting on a different wash every other hour in between scraping vomit out of whatever mattress/carpet/sofa got hit last. It means comforting her and trying to keep her upbeat when she gets upset at how rubbish she feels as I frantically run around disinfecting everything she touches. It means quickly getting on with all the other housework whilst she catches a few Z's, as I throw the dogs ball up and down the hallway for her until she exhausts herself because I haven't been able to walk her with a sick child on my hands. It means putting in a few desperate phone calls to friends to see if they could pop to the shop and bring me X, Y and Z due to my being housebound. It means suffering through another rerun of Mary Poppins because that's the only thing she wants to watch and it's keeping her happy. It means rescheduling appointments/classes we can no longer make. It means putting an extra spoonful of coffee in my cup to keep me awake. The list goes on and on. But more importantly it means I get on with things knowing that nobody's coming through the door to give me a break.

Different stokes I'm no more exhausted than my sister at the end of any given day because we each have our own 'norm'. She wouldn't cope well initially with my life - she'd end up having palpitations. But I wouldn't cope with hers initially either - I'm not used to sharing my home, my child or my life with anyone but myself

Parenting is hard because being a parent is hard. It will make you laugh, make you cry, send you to your room to scream silently into a pillow, it will frustrate you in ways you never thought possible, it'll be the most mundane and the most incredible thing you've ever done (all at the same time - confusing as hell!), it will stress you out so much you think insanity is just around the corner and it will make you realise just how big your capacity to love truly is. It isn't for everyone, but if you think it is for you - do it. Don't get hung up on titles. Single, married, divorced, gay, Smurf - they just don't matter.

Do what's right for you, OP. Best of luck

Do it. It's bloody expensive, so save up what you can, and make sure your BMI is below 30. But do it.

I start IVF in 4 or 5 weeks and nothing has ever felt so right.

I have always been a single parent. I have 3 children through a variety of unfortunate circumstances, 1 totally my fault, 1 totally not my fault and the other a grey area!

Despite never wanting to be in a relationship I admit that I would find parenting much easier with someone else to help. It is tough!

I don't regret my children but I would never have chosen to have them if that makes any sense. I mean I love them as actual children now they're here and wouldn't be without them but, if I'd been able to make a decision about whether or not to have hypothetical children, I would have chosen not to. It's just so difficult.

However, you sound very down to earth and ready for this. And 1 is very different to three - just be aware that, if you are thinking of having IVF, you have a much higher than average chance of ending up with more than one baby at once!

Is it fair on the child not to have a father ? There is overwhelming statistical evidence that children without fathers under perform on every performance indicator.

Northern within those statistics, how many of those underperforming children had fathers who abandoned them or who are total shitbags? I find it hard to believe that you've found "overwhelming" stats for children born to one parent intentionally

Go for it OP, if it's what you want to do and you are fit and able then go ahead and good luck!

YANBU go for it!

YANBU You will be able to make your own support network over time. I made lifelong friends when I had my DC.