to have a baby alone?

[rabidcur]

Late 30s and single - is this hugely unreasonable? It may be my only chance to be a Mum.

How hard is being a parent? Would you do it all again?

I did it, and so far it seems to be working out okay. DS and I do have long conversations about him not having a dad - so far he seems okay with the "well, it was that or not have you here at all" line. (I used a registered clinic, so he will be able to trace the donor when he turns 18). I think as he grows older he also realises that families come in a variety of forms, and also commented off his own bat recently (a propos of a friend whose dad has fairly major anger problems, leaving everyone round him treading on egg shells) "I'm glad I don't have a dad". (I think he does know that nice dads are lovely, BTW, think it was just the shock of seeing his friend shouted at out of the blue for normal small child behaviour).

As for the "children from two-parent families do better" research, my understanding is that once you correct for poverty and the mother's educational attainment, the discrepancy disappears.

Do look into the finances carefully though. But one good thing is that at the moment the childcare part of working child tax credits picks up 70% of the costs of your childcare, right up to a pretty high income threshold.

Jessica, the text is;

1. Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.

1. Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.

1. The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.

At no point, either explicitly or implicitly could this be read as stating that everybody (let alone single people) has an automatic right to a child. It actually alludes to a very conventional conception of familial life which, I think, is the complete opposite of what the OP is seeking to pursue.

I'm not suggesting the OP doesn't have a legal or even moral right to have a baby on her own. I am arguing that this would constitute an entirely selfish (and self-indulgent) decision that pays little regard to the wellbeing of the child.

If (and it's a big if), the child grew up to be resentful or was emotionally damaged by the lack of a father (or a second mother), would that be the OP's fault?

It makes me very uncomfortable when people state I am unreasonable because it is selfish to deprive a child of a father.

You don't have to dig very deep at all to see that really it is because I am gay.

Whether it is as a single woman or as a lesbian couple you deprive a child of a father. That can't be helped.

The question is, can what you can offer make up for what you can't

It is beyond awful when you see that people still, despite evidence to the contrary, believe you should not have a child. I don't mean in the context I am speaking of - I mean because you are gay.

None of my friends have children.

I wonder why that is?

and Babycham a child may grow up to be resentful of all sorts of things but a child raised by two women may, possibly 'mourn' the loss of a father - it is highly unlikely that they would want another mother.

Really, what people dislike and feel less than comfortable with is anything that deviates from the norm. Lesbians having children - well okay because to say otherwise would be homophobic and we're not obviously people twitter nervously but just the same - won't someone think of the children?

The evidence says children are fine, are better than those raised in standards two parent households?

Yes but still ...

And so it goes on.

With regards to the OP's original question...I personally don't think its a question of whether there are two parents involved, but more a question of how much support will the OP have? Raising a child totally alone is incredibly tough, emotionally and practically and financially.

If she has a mother or sister or group of close friends who can be around to help, or has enough money to pay for a very high level of childcare, fine. The moral question of 'should the child have a father around' is for her to consider herself. Plenty of women raise children perfectly well with no involvement from a father. But alone? No support? That isn't a situation i would want to put myself in. My concern would be for the OP, really.

My friend has done this.
She's just had her gorgeous baby.
But.... she has a huge network of family and friends around her.
If it's something you feel very strongly about then go and look at your options and costs etc...
See if you can find some internet discussion boards for single parents with no support and see what they have to say.
Basically, do some homework then make a decision.

YANBU - even if you had a DH right now, there are plenty of women who have turned out to be having the baby alone by the time they get to the labour.....

YANBU at all.

Have you had any thoughts of how you would achieve this? I just wondered if you perhaps had a male friend who wanted to become a father and could make the required donation, therefore you would have the support of the other parent. I have heard of a few situations where this has worked well.

I also wondered if you were considering adoption, or were definite about having your own biological child?

That is my concern too and what I hoped the thread would focus on - my situation in the specific not if in general it was acceptable for a woman to have a wanted child :)

I do not have a male friend.

I would be thinking of a clinic not adoption.

rabidcur, sorry but you're wrongly projecting others' prejudices and complexes onto me. Your sexuality has little to do with it; the total absence of a second parent does. If you read my post properly, you'd notice that I also referenced that absence of 'a second mother'.

Sadly, there is extensive evidence (particularly from classrooms) that absent fathers do result in emotional and behavioural problems amongst children, particularly boys. Ideologically, I wish this wasn't the case, but pragmatically, I can accept it probably is.

It may be politically expedient to insist that this makes no difference, but the painful truth is that it more than likely does. Children need role-models to identify with and to learn and model their behaviour on.

Babycham yes, you added 'the lack of a father or a second mother'

I can see how, in some circumstances a child might wish they had 'a dad'; I have never heard a child mourn a second mother!

the studies you mention pertain specifically to children who were conceived or born into the traditional setup. Families - single or gay - where the aim from the start was to raise the child in a fatherless household fare far more positively: more positively than children in two parent same sex households. These parents tend to be educated, financially comfortable and of course made an active choice to have a child :)

rabidcur, you said it yourself, 'these parents tend to be educated, financially comfortable and of course made an active choice to have a child'. So it's not adjusted for class, wealth, demographics etc? Based on that sentence, are we to assume that they then fare less positively than they would in exactly the same conditions, but with a 'traditional' set-up? Probably, yes.

Babycham, the studies that look specifically at children born to lesbian couples/single women using clinics (so planned children in other words - not one night stands :)) state that these children fare better on the whole than children born to two-parent families.

If the argument you are putting forward is that had these children been born to a woman who was just as financially comfortable and well educated but Wasn't Gay then their outcomes would have been even better - I don't know. Im inclined to think it doesn't matter if the child is happy and well-adjusted and if they are, do we need to delve much deeper?

Unfortunately there is undoubtedly a sense of disquiet attached to women having children without a man being at least involved in conception and often people can't verbalise quite what it is so noises about children 'needing fathers' tend to be made.

At any rate I have much to think about but won't, if you don't mind, return to the thread: it does appear to be going down the route of 'selfish' 'children need a father' 'have you not got a gay male friend to donate' and as said above, I am afraid I do feel uncomfortable when that happens.

yanbu

I basically did this

had a baby with my ex despite knowing I'd end up on my own. I didn't care about being in a relationship, I just wanted to be a mum

i was quite young when i did it though, 25. and now been with new partner (now dh) for 7 years and got two more dc

go for it

The thread seems to have taken a turn away from the original question but if you have no family support, I would say that a good income which allows you to buy in help would make life much easier.

It is very hard to know how you'll deal with sleep deprivation, lack of 'me time' etc. - it destroys me being deprived of either. I would be fine sole parenting an older child but the baby / toddler years are hard work even with two parents on the scene. Be honest about your own temperament and find ways to plug the gaps.

Of course YANBU.

I would stop and run through some of the practical scenarios that may occur over the years, as that's at least what MN can help advise on.

You can try and create your own support network. As long as you put yourself out there a bit during your maternity leave you will make friends and find contacts of people who can help you. We knew no one in our local town when we moved heavily pregnant, and we've made friends we could call on in an emergency.

As you don't have family close by (what about friends, though?) then I'd want to think about some of the real practicalities that might crop up over the years.

What's your maternity package like? What will your employer be like?

Will you be likely to get flexible or part-time work if you request it?

Generally childcare is available during the week between 7.30-6.30, would that fit with what hours you work and your commute?

Can you afford to take a hit of anywhere from (complete ballparks) £600-£1100 a month in childcare?

If your child was ill with something like chickenpox, which can require anything up to a fortnight off childcare, would you be able to juggle work?

Plenty of people are single parents with little support and do an absolutely amazing job. There's no reason why you shouldn't chose to do this if you want to. But as I keep saying, there are some practicalities that are worth seriously considering before you start down the path.

YANBU. Go for it!

I say go for it while you can. My dad was pretty much absent from the age of 8 until 13 and I didn't miss him in the slightest. My mum struggled mainly due to the financial strain of raising 3 kids alone.

My only concern with doing this though would be once the child starts nursery and school but you'd have a good few years to plan childcare for that

If only life were that simple.
We were all heterosexual.
We all got married.
No-one ever cheated.
And we all lived happily ever after!
Yeah right!
Blimey, some of the arguments against here are so out dated I'm cringing reading them.

Times have changed people.
You go for it OP. You may never get your happy ending with a relationship but you may well find that having a child will complete you anyway (Jerry Maguire moment there)

I certainly can't see how it's 'selfish'.

OP you need to consider really practical things such as are you able to take time off work at short notice if the child is ill. Or would you have a nanny?

What if you yourself needed a night or two in hospital, for example. You do need someone who would be prepared to step in in those kind of emergencies.

In my opinion, having been single parent and in a relationship, I think you are better off being in a relationship - but only if the man is kind, gentle and a pleasure to be with. It is hard work being a single parent but also your child will ask questions about their father. They can get a bit resentful at times. It isn't really something I would choose from the outset. Also, you're only 30 - the right man could walk in the door anytime. You don't need to worry about rushing into anything yet. Good luck whatever you decide, children are a blessing however they come into the world.

I can't imagine how hard it would be having a child without a support network of any description.

Parenting is relentless, you need a break from time to time.

I know a woman who had 2 DCs by donor and doesn't have any family help. She only copes because a mutual friend helps out A LOT. Once she had one of the kids for a week, and often has them for meals, overnights etc.

Have you thought through the practicalities? Who will take care of your DC /give you a break when you're lying on the bathroom floor with the norovirus they've brought home from nursery?

I'm sorry, posted without reading the whole thread (oops). If you are lesbian then I think it's slightly different as you aren't likely to share your life with the father!! However, a good male role model is a great idea. Also, you might want to wait until you find the right woman who is kind, gentle and a pleasure to be with and together you could bring up a child with all the financial, social privileges that you will miss as a single parent.