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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by feeling marginalised for working full time and having kids??

108 replies

ABroads · 06/02/2015 13:10

I feel like I just need a rant.. I've been looking through Mumsnet all day as we are currently looking to move house and trying to decide where to move to in Hertfordshire. We are renting in St. Albans now but can't afford to buy here so we're thinking of Redbourn/Berkhamsted/Kings Langley.. Both my DH and I work full time and have sizable commutes. He gets the train into central london and I drive to Brentford. So we need to be near both trainline and motorway.

Anyway.. as I read through the posts I realise how unusual we are (at least that's how it feels).. it seems that everyone else out there with kids, one partner works part time or not at all, or they have family around.. We have one DS who is 2, so we are trying to think of an area where we can afford a house, there are decent schools and we can both manage the commute. But it is depresssing... I'm just wondering if there is ANYONE out there in the same boat.. Because it feels like I am the only one, and I get p*ssed off (and jealous) of all the mums who can afford to be at home with their DC's in this economy...

Rant over...

Also, anyone with information on the above mentioned locations for commuting parents would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
SophieBarringtonWard · 06/02/2015 13:13

Well, we don't both work full time because we can't afford the childcare necessary. So there is no need to be jealous. I have hardly any pension to speak off, rapidly dwindling career prospects, and limited disposable income. But I do get to spend a lot of time at the playground.

I don't know the areas you are looking at but there are about 10 millions MNetters who live in that part of the world who no doubt can advise...

Mrscog · 06/02/2015 13:15

Don't live in Herts but DH and I both work FT, I love it! Looking after toddlers day in day out is not for me :D

So no, you're not alone.

Lasvegas · 06/02/2015 13:15

You are not alone. My DH and i both commute, no family near by. I don't know one other family in same position, ie the mother works F/T.

Twitterqueen · 06/02/2015 13:15

You are not alone! I worked full-time through 1 2year-old 2 subsequent pregnancies and their childhoods. Single parent for 4 years and yes, still working full time.

I don't think being a SAHM or sAHD is all it's cracked up to be. ...

DoingIt · 06/02/2015 13:21

Well... I don't work full time, because we can't afford the childcare needed to do so
& can't consider moving to any of those areas, because we couldn't afford that either

How about enjoying what you have, rather than looking at what others have with green eyes?

Having a family is always about comprimise. Different families compromise in different areas ...

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 06/02/2015 13:22

Often one parent stays home for practical reasons - it's not always a luxury as in many cases the lower earner would earn less than childcare would cost, or works part time because the logistics of both parents being full time can't be jiggled in some locations/ careers and without family very close by to act as emergency or regular wrap around child care.

DH and I could not both work full time unless one of us left the house at 5am to start work at 6.30am, as there are no practical child care options workable for 2 out of our 3 children after 4.30pm.

Tisiphone · 06/02/2015 13:22

I can't help on the housing issue, but you're certainly not in some obscure minority in being a two-parents-working family with a small child, although since we moved out of London to a village in deep countryside, I know what you mean! All of my friends of both sexes have always worked in careers that were important to them, and being a SAHP is not something that ever occurred to either me or DH, but I discovered that our situation in certain geographical areas is considered pretty unusual.

Original poster
ABroads · 06/02/2015 13:22

I totally agree, I wouldn't want to be a full time SAHM but working full time with a 1 - 2 hr commute EW is not easy. Juggling work/childcare I feel like I never see my DS.

It is nice to know there are some others out there, because I don't know any other families in the same boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABroads · 06/02/2015 13:25

Also.. just to mention, I am VERY grateful for what we do have. I realise we are lucky that both of us have jobs and earn enough to be able to pay for the childcare that allow us to that. Don't get me wrong... It's just frustrating.. No matter what your situation is... everyone needs a rant from time to time...

OP posts:
Gwenci · 06/02/2015 13:39

There's always an element of 'grass is greener' when you compare your situation to others'. I'm a SAHM, as others have said, because we can't afford the childcare for me to to back to work, not as a luxury.

Totally agree with Sophie - I'm worried when I do eventually to back to work when DC go to school, I'll be virtually unemployable having been out of the workplace for so long. And yes Sophie, no pension, no money of my own! It can be really demoralising having handouts from DH. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Now those part-time mums have got it sussed...some time with DC but also some in the company of adults keeping a foot in their career and earning some money - best of both worlds! Wink

windchime · 06/02/2015 13:44

OP, you have listed probably the most expensive areas to live in West Herts! Consider Hemel, Watford, Hatfield, Stevenage or Welwyn Garden City and you might be able to afford to work part time! All have mainline train stations and direct links to motorways. There is absolutely nothing for kids to do in Kings Langley. Or Berkhamsted for that matter.

MaybeDoctor · 06/02/2015 13:45

I do recall a polite double take on the part of estate agents when we explained that we would need to live somewhere close to the station as we would both be needing to get there in the morning. Hmm

My tip - go south, better value than north.

pyrowall · 06/02/2015 13:48

Me and OH both work full-time, we also live in Herts.
We both work 10 miles from home in different directions, therefore we need 2 cars.
We just get on with it really - middle along as best we can - I'm annoyed that we miss out on going to classes and stuff that are on during the day, but hey ho!
You aren't alone!

hestialou · 06/02/2015 13:58

Maybedoctor south used to be better value, but even that is raising at alarming level

Lasvegas · 06/02/2015 14:01

Abroads if you can stick it until they are aged 11 say and they stay up later then you do get to see more of your child.

I remember feeling same as you, when i collected from nursery at 6pm and Dd was in bed at 7pm. only 30 minutes to interact then bath and bed. Crap quality of life in my view. I only have one child.

Original poster
ABroads · 06/02/2015 14:02

What few connections we have are around St Albans, so we want to stay North.. Which means I get to enjoy the M25 every morning and DH is on the train.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABroads · 06/02/2015 14:03

Pyrowall where in Herts do you live?? Any recommendations??

OP posts:
muminhants · 06/02/2015 14:06

I used to work FT and I still don't have any family nearby. The only mums I know from school who work FT are single/divorced/widowed. I also live in the expensive south-east.

I did know women at work who had kids and worked FT but in the last few years they've been outnumbered by those who work 3-4 days a week but that probably was because of the places I worked, which are good on flexible working and therefore attract mums (and dads, although I don't know any who work PT although they work from home etc) who want a well-paid job but not FT.

I worked in a library for a year - all women, all part-time and all supported by their other halves (or ex other half in one case).

sebsmummy1 · 06/02/2015 14:12

I used to live in Kings Langley (from 8 -25) Grin totally misses point of thread

MsRinky · 06/02/2015 14:13

Not all the trains stop at Kings Langley - my husband commutes to there from further up the track. Berkhamstead much better for trains. Expensive though.

sebsmummy1 · 06/02/2015 14:15

Trying to commute into Watford was a NIGHTMARE plus the M25 was always snarled up. The train station is extremely convenient though and my Mother worked in London and found the commute absolutely fine.

bilbodog · 06/02/2015 14:16

I live in Buckinghamshire on the Chiltern Line into London - you mentioned Berkhamsted which is very expensive like St Albans - try Chesham or Amersham and surrounding villages which might be a bit cheaper - the commute in may be a bit longer though. Buckinghamshire has Grammar Schools if you are looking that far ahead - Herts doesn't.

vdbfamily · 06/02/2015 14:19

for most of us it is not about 'affording' to be at home with our children, it's about either not being able to afford the childcare OR feeling so strongly that you do not want to miss out on that time with your children that you give up lots of other stuff like a second car,holidays, new clothes,meals/days out. We lived on less than £25,000 for several years with 3 pre-schoolers at one stage. We now both work,although I have just reduced my hours to 19, and it is genuinely the first time in 12 years married that I have been able to take my kids into a (NON Charity) shop and ask them if they want new clothes. And I would still only do that if they were having a half price sale! Even school uniforms were from the second hand shop at school but I am glad we did it that way.

louisejxxx · 06/02/2015 14:20

I will follow along with another pp - the reason I work part-time is because we could not afford the child care for dd and wraparound school care for ds if I was full time, rather than we are so financially stable that I don't need to bother working much.

Bananayellow · 06/02/2015 14:23

TBF virtually everyone in your situation will be at work at the moment and won't be posting. And will post less generally as they have less free time generally I said, before I'm shot down in flames by those sahm's who don't have free time for good reasons You'll have to wait for the evening crowd.

It's always easy to look at the good bits of others lives. It's funny how we see the good bits but tend to ignore the worse bits. Or we look at those with more than us and gloss over those with less.

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