by feeling marginalised for working full time and having kids??

[ABroads]

I feel like I just need a rant.. I've been looking through Mumsnet all day as we are currently looking to move house and trying to decide where to move to in Hertfordshire. We are renting in St. Albans now but can't afford to buy here so we're thinking of Redbourn/Berkhamsted/Kings Langley.. Both my DH and I work full time and have sizable commutes. He gets the train into central london and I drive to Brentford. So we need to be near both trainline and motorway.

Anyway.. as I read through the posts I realise how unusual we are (at least that's how it feels).. it seems that everyone else out there with kids, one partner works part time or not at all, or they have family around.. We have one DS who is 2, so we are trying to think of an area where we can afford a house, there are decent schools and we can both manage the commute. But it is depresssing... I'm just wondering if there is ANYONE out there in the same boat.. Because it feels like I am the only one, and I get p*ssed off (and jealous) of all the mums who can afford to be at home with their DC's in this economy...

Rant over...

Also, anyone with information on the above mentioned locations for commuting parents would be much appreciated.

I work 75% hours and DH is full time. It is hard when working but we try to make the most of the time we do have.

Hi OP

DH and I both work full time (albeit that I have been lucky enough to negotiate working one day from home and leave the office at 4 (although often need to work remotely at night)). Both DH and I have full on jobs with a sizeable commute (1 - 1.5 hours each way). We live in Surrey. We have no family nearby and get along with a combination of nursery and an au pair (thank god!).

Just also wanted to let you know you are not alone! I can empathize with feeling alone as most mums I speak to around are working PT or not at all. So occasionally I wonder if me or DD are missing out!

Rationally I know that is not the case and I must confess that I am not jealous of SAHP. I like being a parent and working outside the home too (means I have something which is just mine if you know what I mean) and I don't think I have the patience to be a SAHM!

It's just hard.

Unless you're massively independently wealthy, no matter how you carve up the work/childcare, it's always going to be hard.

I work four day, DP works five. We can afford childcare but we can't afford to move to a bigger place and have another child.

Look at Rickmansworth, Bushey, Watford (Nascott Wood area is naice), Hemel Old Town, Abbots Langley or Radlett (pricey).

You are not alone. Both DH and I work full time. I have a long commute but DH works locally. I'm managing fine with nursery. But DD1 starts school this year and I have that to look forward to. It seems much harder ..

MIL is local but she is totally useless. If I leave my DDs with her they might not even get fed. I dont think she will even noticed if they left the house! She's more of a burden in that we have to do things for her.

I don't know anyone else in this situation either. It does seem really rare.

Can't advice about Herts.

Same here. Two parents working full time with a sensible commute and no family around. Obviously i would love to have a shorter commute and family around but regarding work i would not want change my situation.

And I'm posting at this hour because I'm feeding my new baby

Both working ft here.
3 dc.
No family nearby.
It can be hard organising everything but also very rewarding in lots of ways.
We have flexible working and keep our youngest dc to 7.5 hours a day max in childcare. Often less.
Dc seem to be thriving.
Works for us.
But everyone's situation is different.

Hello OP

I'm not familiar with the area you are in but believe it to be expensive.
I think other people manage with a pt or sahp by living somewhere cheaper tbh.
Some people can't work because they can't afford childcare and don't believe in working for nothing.
There are lots of reasons.
It is awful for those who are in a position where they have no choice but to work or not.
I am a sahm and dh earns small income, we manage as we have very low outgoings, have tc, cb and live in the NW. We have had numerous homes that we have made a small profit from each time and have been on the property ladder since 1992, there's a huge difference to somebody just starting out.
I hope you find your new home soon.
Good luck

I had to stay home due to one of my dc having difficulties. I'm envious of you working as I miss it so much.

Don't feel marginalised most people I know who have dc work full time. Good luck with the house hunting

Another FT pair here with no family support. Currently on mat leave with no 2 and panicking slightly about how we'll manage childcare with one at school and one at nursery. I do sometimes think FT is too much as all my friends, bar two FT-ers, is PT but luckily there are some fab older women in my office who now have teenagers who constantly tell me that although its crap now, you'll reap the rewards later as your earnings keep pace with things and you dont have to stress financially about your pension or uni fees, holidays etc.

I don't think any but the super rich feel they've got it all perfect. My SAHM friends have their own worries and stresses too. I think we all just try to do what we think is best for our little units don't we?

I had this rather bluntly pointed out to me when I was having a similar moan: it's about choices. You choose to live in the SE and to both work FT. Just like we chose to move back to Scotland, thereby screwing my career but at least we can get from A to B in a reasonable amount of time and can buy a house.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM because DP earns a decent wage, we have a property that is in a less desirable area and had a large deposit to put down and because I am very very frugal.

Currently we need nursery and wraparound care because with the M25 I can't guarantee what time I will get home, so we need childcare cover from 7:30am to 7:30pm 5 days a week. So some days neither me or my DH see our son before he goes to bed.. And I see him for a half hr in the morning if I'm lucky as I need to get on the motorway early.

There's no point gripping about it because it is what it is for now, but I'm exhausted by Fridays.. Hence the rant today!!! Hopefully it will get easier, and at some point I can go down to 4 days.. In some ways I wouldn't change it, because I like working.. I just wish my employer was a bit more understanding and flexible!!!

Thanks for all the replies

Have a look at rickmansworth and croxley green area, links to London but closer for you. Great links to m25 for work/getting to St. Albans.

I've no idea about the prices these days but I know a couple of people who decamped to Tring.

YANBU OP - I feel like that sometimes with the school mums – a lot of SAHMs or extremely part-timers and I often get the 'cocked head' thing when they hear what time I get home and about me missing school runs (I work 4 days and have an hour's commute). It isn't always easy but I love working and would never give it up, and my kids are just fine.

A lot of people struggle with the right size house/nice area/nice schools/not too much money conundrum. When you get that sorted you'll feel lots better about your situation. Good luck!

You are not alone! I'm in norway and I don't know ANY families without 2 working Parents. I think more than 85% of families are like this here.

More people who are not working will post on mumsnet, it is not representative!

Mumsnet has a disproportionate number of SAHMs. And a disproportionate number of financially comfortable people. (Not always the same people of course). Pretty sure it's not demographically representative of the UK in general.

ABroads would an Au Pair be an option for you financially or space wise?

I suggest it because we had the same issue with wrap around care and it has made our lives so much easier. We get to spend more quality time with DD as a result, have less chores on the weekend and in the evening after a long working week and even get to have a night out one or twice a week if we want (one is normally taken up by work related events!).

Might not work for you but perhaps worth considering?

I work full time.

Most of my children's friends' parents work full time. I can think of a handful who are part time and only one who is a SAHM. Out of my friends, only two are SAHMs - one because one of her children has severe disabilities.

It's not my experience that having two full time working parents is unusual. There's probably a slant on here because if you're working full time and have kids your social networking may have to take a hit.

But like everything else, you need to be happy with what you've got and not unhappy about what someone else has got.

I work full time and I love my job. My OH works full time and loves his job.

We are fortunate enough to be able to work full time and afford childcare.

I have 2 DC's (not my OH's) and as a single Mum I still worked FT.

Being at home with children is not my cup of tea personally, but I have friends who absolutely loathe working their 2-3 days a week and miss their children desperately when working. I think it's horses for courses.

I am expecting DC3 in July. I will be taking 6 weeks Mat leave, plus 2 weeks A/L then back to work full time.

For me this is fine, just what I want, what bothers me is the shock and horror it promotes from some who say "that poor baby" and "you will miss your baby" like I am doing something horrific!

I don't think anyone should look at the other side and think the grass is greener - we all do what we can with a bit of what we like.

If we all did the same, the world would be a boring place

I don't want to be stating the bleeding obvious here, but surely if you moved somewhere a bit more sensible for your commute, you'd have more time with DS and less need for wraparound? And then if you want to sit on the motorway, you only have to do so at weekends if you head up to see you friends.

DH can get the train in from almost anywhere. You could afford something in Whitton, isle worth, hampton etc and be at work in twenty minutes.

Another family where both parents work FT here (we have two sons), though we're lucky enough to both have relatively short commutes and can afford nursery for DS2 and after-school for DS1. Works for us! Also love my job, have no desire to give it up.

Consider Welham Green and London Colney. They are slowly going up in price but right now, you can get some good deals.

Boysclothes we considered all of those options and it isn't any cheaper than the areas where we are looking, in fact it's more expensive in some of those areas. Also train times into London are longer from the further South West you go as not as many fast trains. Plus we like the community and countryside aspect of Herts.. We weighed up the (little) support we get from having family (my sister) and some friends nearby.. Also my job is contract based, so I may not be in this location long term.. So I need to be near multiple transport links. Decided it made more sense to stay in this area and deal with the commute for now.