by feeling marginalised for working full time and having kids??

[ABroads]

I feel like I just need a rant.. I've been looking through Mumsnet all day as we are currently looking to move house and trying to decide where to move to in Hertfordshire. We are renting in St. Albans now but can't afford to buy here so we're thinking of Redbourn/Berkhamsted/Kings Langley.. Both my DH and I work full time and have sizable commutes. He gets the train into central london and I drive to Brentford. So we need to be near both trainline and motorway.

Anyway.. as I read through the posts I realise how unusual we are (at least that's how it feels).. it seems that everyone else out there with kids, one partner works part time or not at all, or they have family around.. We have one DS who is 2, so we are trying to think of an area where we can afford a house, there are decent schools and we can both manage the commute. But it is depresssing... I'm just wondering if there is ANYONE out there in the same boat.. Because it feels like I am the only one, and I get p*ssed off (and jealous) of all the mums who can afford to be at home with their DC's in this economy...

Rant over...

Also, anyone with information on the above mentioned locations for commuting parents would be much appreciated.

You're not alone. I work FT - I have DS who is now in Reception and DP has two DDs, both now at secondary school. (His ex has never worked full time since she had DSD1, though!) It never even occurred to me to work PT - I went back FT to a new job when DS was 23 months, which I appreciate was a really long time not to have worked - I was a single parent from him being 18 months. I also have absolutely no family anywhere near and moved to a new area away from all my friends just before DS was born - so zero backup either. My amazing childminder has been my saviour. And now I live with DP and both sets of our kids, I still work FT because DS is at school all day, so makes no sense to be at home alone if he's out!

(He's off with D&V today, which is why I am posting during working hours!)

(Waves just because I used to live in "snorbens").
If it helps, growing up there, a LOT of kids had both parents working (and frequently commuting). My mum worked in Garston, so a few school friends had her as an emergency contact as she stood a hope in hell of getting to school at short notice.

Both me and my Dp work 12 hour shifts, we have 4 dc aged 14, 13, 11 and 8.we tend to work opposite shifts so when one is on a 7-7 day shift the other will be on the 7-7 night shift. It's hell, we get 2 days off per month together!
Depending on our shift pattern we sometimes don't see the dc for a couple of days at a time. As flexible as the NHS are it's still rubbish and I can't wait to retire!

Well our set up is
2 kids
Husband works 40hrs per week and I work 36hrs per week
Commute to work for husband 1/2hr
No family close by
1st night out this weekend with my DH in over 18 months, can't wait!

I know the childcare costs are steep and were limited there, it can't be easy. Once, when visiting my parents, in a park a woman with two DC overheard me saying to my Dad I might become a childminder. She asked for my number! She was disappointed that I am/ was not 'local'!

you give up lots of other stuff like a second car,holidays, new clothes,meals/days out

There's an implication here that mums (and it's always the mums) work FT or at all because they can't do without their luxuries.

1/5 of households (I think I read this week) now have women as the main breadwinner I believe yet there is STILL this belief that mums are just being greedy for their heels and new BMWs. Not the dads - no, they NEED to work, mums just WANT to.

I do hope that the new shared parental leave will go some way to changing the culture so (a) it is acceptable for women to be the main breadwinner and (b) for men not to be.

Or that both parents can work part-time/flexibly - even better where it is possible.

I'm always surprised when I read threads like these as I don't know a single other SAHM. Admittedly my ds is only 1 but all of the mums I've met since having him have returned to work. I think it'll be different when second children come along but even then, as muminhants says, most of my friends either out earn or earn around the same as their partners so wouldn't give up work. One of the reasons we can afford for me to SAH is that we've shelved the idea of buying and just rent.

"There's an implication here that mums (and it's always the mums) work FT or at all because they can't do without their luxuries."

Yes, I thought that too - it's also all a bit too "it's alright for mothers to work FT if they're going to actually starve without it, but most women could do it if they REALLY prioritized their children". Ditto the whole being expected to feel guilty about it/desperately want to be at home. (I don't, and don't. And also, come to think of it, don't feel guilty about liking having new clothes for me and the kids, and nice holidays.)

No interest in getting into a whole SAHM vs WOHM thing and as far as I'm concerned you do whatever works for your family, but I'm as not-down with the portrayal of WOHM as materialistic raven-mothers as, I presume, SAHM are with people suggesting they're setting a bad example, or whatever.

Every single woman I know who has left London post-kids to live in commuters ville also left behind well paid work, they hope temporarily but recognise its more likely permanent.
A lot depends on the nature of your job but lots of careers don't offer many flexible, part time or local positions. Particularly if you need to earn enough to cover adequate childcare.

Many return from maternity leave but its when school starts that the drop out rate is high. Add redundancy/illness/divorce into the mix and the outcome isn't great for some.

I lived in st Albans for years.

Move to Ampthill. Its a lovely town a few stops out towards Bedford but is much cheaper for housing and has lovely parks, a Waitrose and great schools. Just off the M1 so well connected. Its like an old version of Harpenden with a smaller community feel. Easily commutable from Flitwick and you get a seat on the train!

Hant, leedy: i agree 100%

I work 4 days and most other mothers I know work. We have found the transition to school the hardest. In the end we had to go the private route, as it was the only option which presented a decent before and after school provision which suited our schedule. Most other mothers at the school work, the majority full-time. Our set-ups are very different, varying from those with a live in nanny, to people like us who juggle things between us as best we can.

Covering school holidays are the worst. We have 1 week off per year as a family (with DH and I off at the same time), splitting the rest of our leave so we can cover most of the school breaks. We tend to holiday relatively close to home to the working parent can join the family at the weekends. Both of us feel it's important for the children to have as much of their school holidays off (as in not in summer clubs) as possible. They do end up in summer club a couple of weeks per year in any case. We are lucky that we have parents who are willing to take a week or two as well, which definitely helps.

I can't comment on where to live as I don't know the area, but no, you are definitely not alone!

I suspect you have a lot more money than we do - when I lived in your part of the world I didn't have a spare pound for the toddler group at the Children's Centre. And if you're still better off working after childcare and that commute, your salary must be pretty high.

I can't remember the last time I bought clothes for the children that weren't off ebay, I only have 2 tops and 2 pairs of leggings in my wardrobe and we've never had a holiday apart from visiting PIL. I have no pension and we have no savings - but those are the sacrifices we've made. Plus as others have said, the childcare would be more than my salary anyway.

I work full time,was a sahp previously.

"Marginalised" seriously.

I'm a single parent who works full time with a long commute , one income and all the housework/childcare falls to me. There's always folk "worse off". No need to feel jealous in your situation.

I'm a sahp. I find it a little irritating when people say 'lucky you that you can afford it'. Generally it is people with far more money than us that say it and couples were one parent earns a lot more than my OH so they could actually afford it as much as we can if they wanted to. They could live in a tiny house in a cheap area like we do and drive an ancient car and make lots of other sacrifices but they don't want to. That's a perfectly acceptable choice that doesn't bother me at all but I have to bite my tongue when they go on about how we're so lucky we could afford it and they never could.

Both me and my husband work full time. He works long hours and I do once or twice a week. I am lucky in that most days I have a short commute. I can think of one other family in my sons year that have two full time working parents.

My DH and I both work FT with me as main earner on 60% more.

I cannot go part time or reduced hours and my lovely DH can't cook, clean, launder, do bills, take kids to activities or cope with the concept of not doing 'man's work'.

I gave up work for 2 years whilst kids were super small and nearly lost my mind and my marriage.

Some women work, and like work and are better at it than been at home.

My DH and I both work full time and we have 5 children under 10.

I earn pretty much the same as Dh .For me I could be a SAHM if I wanted we could survive on one wage if we were not paying childcare . I just don't want to be a SAHM, I have been in the past and prefer things now.

I travel an hour each way to work .

2 ft working parents here too, my DC are nearly grown up and I haven't ever worked less than a 45hr week (no long maternity leave) except for a recent 9 month period when I was on a health sabbatical.
When mine were young I was the higher earner and we employed a nanny, my job has always had the short commute approx 30mins currently, my DH has always had the long commute. My social group covers everything from SAHP to working FT silly hours. The only thing that annoys me is parents who work part time complaining that they don't have time to do things.

I also live in Herts and know the area you are talking about, yes it is really well connected and yes the prices are silly. St Albans is lovely but if you move east towards Welwyn or Stevenage the prices do get better.

We completely changed our lifestyle so not both of us had to work. Moved to a cheaper area, almost never buy new clothes, shop frugally, got rid of a car, etc

Tbh it would have cost so much in childcare it was barely worth it, maybe move north, up here you don't need to both work fulltime unless you spend a lot!

I've always worked a bit because I would go insane being at home all the time, but we chose to change our lifestyle as I wanted to be at home as much as possible. I worked fulltime for a bit and hated how tired everyone was.

I live down the road in Harpenden and both me and DH work full time. I agree with you actually that it does feel a bit unusual to be part of a couple where both work full-time. I'm certainly in a minority among my friends, almost all of whom work part-time or not at all post-DC. I chose to return to work FT despite being a position not to need to financially, although I'm considering dropping down now I have 2DC as I'd like to spend more time with them.

Redbourn would be a pain for your DH's commute as he'll have to drive to Harpenden/St Albans and park before getting the train. It's good value compared to either of those for that reason though so it depends what you value more. Berko is more pricey than Redbourn IME. Both are lovely places to live though.

DH had to relocate after redundancy and the only job I could get in our new place is full time with a daily 4h commute. So you are not the only one :-)

Have you looked in Bedfordshire at all? When I lived up round that way I remember the house prices went down significantly when you crossed over the border. Luton's got good transport links for both of you I bet. There are some really nice villages around it.

Not sure if this helps OP but my dp and I both work full time but can't afford childcare
We have 5 dcs at home plus another 3 between us.
We're like ships that pass in the night.
The only time I see him is to hand over the dcs because when he works days I do nights and vice versa.
I miss my babies so much I went back to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old because we couldn't have afforded any more time.

Shit situation I really feel for you