by feeling marginalised for working full time and having kids??

[ABroads]

I feel like I just need a rant.. I've been looking through Mumsnet all day as we are currently looking to move house and trying to decide where to move to in Hertfordshire. We are renting in St. Albans now but can't afford to buy here so we're thinking of Redbourn/Berkhamsted/Kings Langley.. Both my DH and I work full time and have sizable commutes. He gets the train into central london and I drive to Brentford. So we need to be near both trainline and motorway.

Anyway.. as I read through the posts I realise how unusual we are (at least that's how it feels).. it seems that everyone else out there with kids, one partner works part time or not at all, or they have family around.. We have one DS who is 2, so we are trying to think of an area where we can afford a house, there are decent schools and we can both manage the commute. But it is depresssing... I'm just wondering if there is ANYONE out there in the same boat.. Because it feels like I am the only one, and I get p*ssed off (and jealous) of all the mums who can afford to be at home with their DC's in this economy...

Rant over...

Also, anyone with information on the above mentioned locations for commuting parents would be much appreciated.

Until recently we both worked FT.
I'd get 'oh, so they've given you a day off today?!' whenever I was off. I'd reply that I only worked the same as DH, who was of course, never questioned.
Him working was noble and for the family, me working was seemingly some sort of frivolous past-time.

If both parents have ft jobs and work in London, it makes more sense to live centrally. If you live in commuterville, then for the cheaper real estate (or bang for buck), one parent stays at home or works pt locally and the other takes the hit in terms of commute. It is not a very practical set up for both parents to have long commutes.

That is why you don't see that many ft working couples.

DH and I both work full time and have school age DC. And get this, we have one car between us.

You have no reason to feel angry at mums/dads at home unless they are expecting something from you (eg asking to borrow money) or you from them (eg asking them to do childcare pickups/dropoffs) and they won't. Definitely a grass is greener scenario. maybe the lower earner doesn't earn enough to make childcare worthwhile.

Him working was noble and for the family, me working was seemingly some sort of frivolous past-time.

Spot on master.

We both work full time with no family support. As someone said upthread it is about choices - we've both taken jobs with less money to work closer to home and live in a "less desirable" area that many MNers would turn their noses up at - and we're not near the leafy suburbs MC schools either.

What this does mean is that we can both walk to work and work flexibly so that DC are in very limited before/after school childcare. And we are about more to support them outside of school - I would rather my children didn't go to the best school with us about to support, then killing ourselves to live in the best area with best schools and never seeing them.

Single parent with 2 kids here.
Maybe your impression is that there are very few of us because we post less? We have less time etc

I have long commute and am out of the house in total 12 hours. Children are in secondary schools and we just plod along.

When they were in primary school there were very few families with both parents working full time amongst their friends.
In fact at work I remember realising that of all people working in the same team (around 35) I was the only FT working mother.
None of the wifes/partners of guys with kids had worked full-time.
In my workplace at the moment is very similar situation.
I never thought of myself as special - just got on with it and am enjoying good career now when my children are older.

Meeeee
Both work ft
Have posted in different name many times about it
Ignore rest and go on the it works for us route, or, work out what you need and recost- train and driving / train fare saving vs income vs sanity

Live in rugby; Dh 52 min commute into London euston
Cheap housing
Beautiful villages and countryside

Working full time is hard work when you've got a long commute and DCs at school.

My commute is only 45 mins as is DH's (we commute into central London) and I work 4 days, DH 5. It is hard work even then! I really noticed the difference when I was only doing three days. Especially now ds is at school - he is tired after a school day as it is, let alone after the childminder as well. He misses being at home.

Our plan is to move somewhere further out and cheaper which means a longer commute so I've said that I'm not working in central London while that is the case and will look locally. Otherwise it would be awful for everyone.

So there's a reason it isn't that common when the parents both have long commutes.

DH and I both work FT, although not a massive commute (c1hr round trip on a good day). However I have a senior job that requires work late sometimes, plus some travel. I worked pt for a number if years after having DCs, but choice was then to lose job or take full time promotion in a job I enjoyed.

Its stressful and I need another 3hrs in my day, but its manageable. I'd say that probably 60% of the families in my DDs junior school class have a 1FT/1PT mix, 20% FT/FT and 20% FT/SAH. This mix was more like 40/10/50 in nursery IYSWIM.

You need to read the thread about the sick child getting sent into school - plenty of support there for working parents with no family to help with childcare!

I work full time so does my husband, and the nearest family members live100 miles away. Childcare is extortionate, but once both kids are at school, we'll have a decent chunk of extra cash each month.

I have ft working friends, part time working friends, SAHP friends, the full spectrum. We all seem secure enough in our choices that we don't feel threatened or criticised by others choosing differently.

I'm a FT worker, live in snorbans, have split up now from the children's dad. They're older now, and of course I am so glad I've always worked as it gave me the foothold in work which I would have lost if I'd stopped. I did work part time for a bit- I think that's worse in terms of being marginalised at work.

For me financial security is important. We don't go on posh holidays, in fact we haven't been abroad since 2004, and our car is definitely not fancy but we do have enough to live. And the costs get easier when the children are at school.

The thing that made the biggest difference in my quality of life was a) having decent reliable childcare. And b) not working in London any more. The slog into London takes it out of you more than you can say. It's worth earning less not to do a massive commute. So anything you can do now to find a more local job will surely be worth it.

I worked part time because of childcare being more than i earned but DH did loads of overtime.More recently we were doing 80 -90hrs a week between us as we had no family help (their choice).
This was still preferable to when i was a SAHM as DH only earned £14 K a yr and with a mortgage it was very tough going how we managed not to get into debt i will never know.

of course you are not marginalised. London/Greater London is full of parents that both work, and who don't have family to help

the main thing is you have decided to live far out of London when you work in London, that's tough as the commute is an extra day per week

decide whats the priorities are, and adjust if needs be. what is important?
time? money? naice mainly MC area, schools? career prospects

you could 100% move nearer to London as those areas are way more expensive than some less chi chi London suburbs

Two full time working parents and 2 children 11 and 14.
Husband long commute but can work at home.
My children went into nursery while young as I wanted to establish myself as a teacher. I am teacher in local school so for many years juggled drop offs, pick ups and a full time job while both children in primary.
Whilst I paid for full-time nursery when they were young - it took most of my salary but I felt long term I would be in a better position to support family life and financially too.
While they have been at school I have paid for no childcare. I have no family support - all over 300 miles away - but I do have a great network of friends who helped me out and I was able to reciprocate both after school and in school holidays.
It has been exhausting - written down it looks ideal and many of my friends think I have the perfect set-up - but the pressures of teaching a core subject make life very busy and very difficult.
While I am now at the stage of secondary school for my kids and they are more independent I do not feel I have any let-up at all! Reflecting on this I think the pressure of teaching have increased and also I have just been doing it for so long the commutative exhaustion has hit home!
BUT - I have seen many friends want to go back to work after 5 years out looking after little children and they find it very difficult to find something that fits with life and I also want to be a role model to my children (particularly my daughter) as a working mother.
However, my 14 year old daughter did say to me last week - 'you just don't like people who have an easy life Mum, maybe your just jeal'. So I am not just passing on the positives of a busy working life!!

pleased its not just me who think commute is a BITCH

this is why I live and work in a 6 mile square of London. If I had to do a massive commute I would actually die I think!

DH and I both work ft. I worked pt till recently, but it was very full on and often ft anyway so it doesn't feel much different.

Was feeling sad last night as was out with my nct friends and they all work very pt (eg 1 day a week). And in fact I don't know any other mums who work ft. Their problems are completely different to mine.

Good luck with the house hunt

We are in North herts - stevenage. My DH works in central London as did I before DS. HIs train into kings cross takes 25 minutes in the morning and we are on the a1m so Brentford would be circa and hour straight down the motorway

We swapped a two bed terrace in zone 6 for a 4 bed detached here with massive garden etc etc. best thing we ever did!

Stevenage is on the a1m I mean not our house!

It's bloody hard both working FT, and to be frank it's even harder when you have the joys of the M25 and Thaneslink trains to contend with. So my advice would be to move where at least one if you can get home (reliably) within the hour

We moved from a lovely area for exactly this reason (the combined stress of long commute, unreliable routes and not seeing small DS was putting intolerable strain on us)

tellme

Move to zone 2/3/4

Its FULL of full time working mums!

last time we went out we all a good bitch about being bullied at work, sexism and little upstart 30 somethings nicking our work

oh and how tried we are

THis makes me glad I live in a backwater like Scotland. I live in a 5 bedroomed house ( cost £210) surrounded by stunning native woodland in a quiet good area, with great schools.
I can be into the heart of our capital city in 20 minutes, with a global class arts and academic scene, the city is a UNESCO world heritage site.

I don't blame many like JK Rowling for choosing this place as her home.

Bigblue - sitting in my poky flat in the city you describe that cost not much less than your five bed, and wondering which direction you are in - west? North? I am jealous though not convinced by the 30 min claim!