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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to drop out the day before?

118 replies

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:08

Have been invited to friends new house for a pre Xmas 'get together' tomorrow evening.

Two of us going don't drive. It's about a 1.5hr journey to get to friends nearest station and then a 25 min walk from there.

Other non driving friend has a 2.5 hour train journey (actual distance not that far, just involves going via London etc). due to that plus cost she said late last night she's not going.

We were invited to stay over, I've already said I cant as DS2 (13) is at home, and whilst he'll be fine for an eve, I wouldn't leave him alone overnight. So as it is I'll only be going for 3 hours. WIBU to say I'm not going now and suggest we rearrange for another time?

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 18/12/2014 08:10

If someone has already dropped out I think I'd be pretty upset if others started to drop out to. Instead could you suggest getting together another time as it would be a shame to meet without x being there?

lunar1 · 18/12/2014 08:11

Is she cooking? She's probably bought everything if she is.

Bowlersarm · 18/12/2014 08:12

I think it's really late notice to drop out.

ClashCityRocker · 18/12/2014 08:13

Could you arrange for DS to spend the night elsewhere?

Presumably all these things were issues when you agreed to the date, so it's a bit shitty to drop out the day before.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:14

She doesn't cook, I think suggestion was nibbles and takeaway pizza or similar.

OP posts:
DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 18/12/2014 08:14

I think it would be very rude, especially as the excuse isn't something you have only just found out about.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 18/12/2014 08:14

I think youve already made your mind up so its not so much as an aibu but how do i tell her!, honestly in ur situation tell her exactly what you said here, youve no care i assume for ur ds overnight and am not comfortable with itbeing so far away from him etc and ask to re arrange. Yell her youre really sorry. She may be annoyed but if a good friendnshould not hold a grudge.

busyboysmum · 18/12/2014 08:15

Really bad form to drop out at this late stage. Obviously you knew all the travel details when you accepted the invitation. IMO YABVU

WooWooOwl · 18/12/2014 08:16

I think it would be really rude to drop out now.

Nothing has changed since you made the arrangement except one of your other friends has decided to be flakey, and that's not really a reason for you not to go. No one is ill, and if you didn't like the travel arrangements you could have declined when you were first invited. Presumably if you rearranged you'd still have to do the pain in the arse journey another time anyway.

I have a low opinion of people who don't stick to things they said they are going to do, especially when they drop out last minute without a valid reason despite the fact that someone else has planned for them.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:18

Other friend only dropped out very late last night.

Now there are only 3 of us it doesn't seem worth 3 hours travel and leaving DS on his own (he can't stay anywhere else). I was prepared to suck it up originally though wasn't that happy about all travelling, but now other friend isn't going I do feel maybe we should just rearrange.

OP posts:
flipchart · 18/12/2014 08:20

If I was your friend I would be really pissed at you.
Nothing on your side has changed except you've had a change of heart. You have always known the distance, travelling times etc and about your DS being at home.

I can't be doing with flakey friends. You should have nought it through and said yes or no a while back not at this stage.
Very rude.

FloozeyLoozey · 18/12/2014 08:23

So flakey. You shouldn't have accepted in the first place.

Bowlersarm · 18/12/2014 08:24

Your friend hosting will be really chuffed when you tell her you can't be arsed to see her as it's not 'worth' the effort just for her.

You could suggest rearranging, but if she still wants to go ahead you should.,

Stealthpolarbear · 18/12/2014 08:24

Why will the journey be any shorter, or your ds be significantly older, next time?

TrojanWhore · 18/12/2014 08:25

I think it's too late for you to drop out.

There's nothing in your post that suggests new factor, like illness, and you accepted the invitation with these logistic issues.

You don't say why the other 'friend' dropped out, but if that was just 'can't be bothered to go after all' it's appallingly rude of her. Please don't sink to her level.

If you just wanted to end the relationship with your hostess, you can find less unpleasant ways than this.

magpieginglebells · 18/12/2014 08:25

I would be really upset if I was your friend.

tiggytape · 18/12/2014 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bilberry · 18/12/2014 08:29

I don't think I would have agreed. Two hours each way is a long journey to make for an evening and I wouldn't be comfortable being two hours always from my ds unless he had people close by he could bring in in an a emergency and if there were he would be staying the night with them. It also doesn't sound like something to rearrange unless it is a day together with your ds as the travel will always be an issue. Yabu not to have thought this through before.

Out of interest, how long would it take if you could drive?

tigermoll · 18/12/2014 08:30

I know this isn't what you want to hear (you want us all to say 'oh, no, it's fine, just cancel') but I think YABMassivelyU.

Think about how you would feel if you were the host:

'AIBU: I invited four good friends over for a pre-christmas get together this weekend - we arranged it well in advance. Since we all live quite far apart, we don't get to see much of each other and I was really looking forward to it. As it's such a long way, I offered for anyone who needs to to stay the night. Yesterday, friend A dropped out because 'it takes too long and is too expensive'. Now another friend (friend B) is saying that it 'isn;t worth it' without Friend A'.

AIBU to be really hurt and disappointed? My friends are basically saying they'll never come to see me, since it's "too far"?'

StepAwayFromTheMincePies · 18/12/2014 08:30

to be honest if you can't be bothered with the hassle then she can't be much of a friend. I would travel longer than that to see my real friends and they would too i hope. As others have said you knew all this when you accepted.... then was the time to say 'too far, no childcare' bit late now, go you might enjoy it.

BackforGood · 18/12/2014 08:34

Of course YABU.
As everyone else said, nothing has changed in terms of your arrangements.
No, I wouldn't let my 13 yr old stay home alone, but I'd have no qualms asking one of her mates if she could bunk down there for the night - they are no trouble at that age. However, the childcare, and the travel are all the same as when you accepted. It would be very rude and hurtful to drop out at this late stage.

Blu · 18/12/2014 08:35

Flaky and rude to decide it isn't 'worth it' because one person has dropped out.

But you could call the host and say 'as so-and-so can't come we'll understand if you'd rather re-arrange for when everyone can make it '.

But the other details haven't changed; it does, in truth, sound like a labour intensive plan, but you agreed to it in the first place...

If I was the friend I would be upset if an arrangement I had made for the last Fri eve before Christmas was abandoned by my friends.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:54

Other friend gave no reason for dropping out other than time and cost. So I don't feel I'm being any more unreasonable than her, less if anything.

I have had disagreements with the other two friends before (one quite recently) and I can sometimes find them hard work without other friend (who I'm closest to) there.

By car it would take about 45 mins or so, but if I could drive I'd have to go home first after work to get the car, which takes at least an hour. My bf was going to pick me up, but his Xmas party got moved to the same date. Despite that I was still prepared to suck it up and go til friend dropped out.

My DS doesn't have any friends he would stay with. I would have preferred to arrange it for a weekend when he's at his dads but this was the only date the other 3 could do.

OP posts:
flipchart · 18/12/2014 08:57

Look, you've made up your mind. Do what you want. I don't know why you are bothering to ask us.
Most people have said YABU and you are coming back at us.

Just cancel and piss your friend off like you have already planned to do.

Bowlersarm · 18/12/2014 09:00

Everyone has said yabu.

You have made your mind up not to go, but wanted a few sympathetic Yanbu to help your conscience.

It's a crappy thing to do though, and unless your friend is exceptionally laid back she's going to be mightily pissed off with you. Understandably.