to drop out the day before?

[velvetspoon]

Have been invited to friends new house for a pre Xmas 'get together' tomorrow evening.

Two of us going don't drive. It's about a 1.5hr journey to get to friends nearest station and then a 25 min walk from there.

Other non driving friend has a 2.5 hour train journey (actual distance not that far, just involves going via London etc). due to that plus cost she said late last night she's not going.

We were invited to stay over, I've already said I cant as DS2 (13) is at home, and whilst he'll be fine for an eve, I wouldn't leave him alone overnight. So as it is I'll only be going for 3 hours. WIBU to say I'm not going now and suggest we rearrange for another time?

If you had declined the invite when it was first made YNBU. The problem is you did accept the invite and want to cancel the day before which now makes you unreasonable.

It sounds like you'd made up your mind anyway. I think YABU but maybe it's a good thing for the host who will now see what flakey friends she has and you won't have to worry about this again because you won't be invited!

Other dropout friend is being really shitty.

Simple question: are you also a shit?

None of the extraneous factors such as being a lone parent have changed single since you chose to accept the invitation. If they are show stoppers you should have declined. But as you didn't, the decent thing to do is live with your choices.

I note you feel obligation not friendship. That still doesn't let you off the hook of adequate behaviour. You can drop her in far less hurtful ways.

You don't want to go so don't go but it's obvious you aren't a fan of the other friends so don't make plans with them- even in a group- because if you keep dropping out because your 'buffer' isn't there then you'll find yourself not invited soon enough anyway.

And if they are difficult, why bother anyway? You shouldn't need a buffer with your mates, if you do then they aren't mates and who needs that stress. YABU to drop out on the basis of other friend isn't going, YABU to retain friendships with people that make you uncomfortable when alone with them. Stay at home and decline asap.

The host would NBU to not invite you again though and feel slighted because you are giving the big glaring impression that you don't care for her invite and her company- you just want your other friend. Whether that was your intention or not doesn't matter, that will be the outcome.

What IsawMommy said.

You would not have been at all unreasonable to say in the first place that it was going to be too difficult to get there, or that this weekend was going to be really busy or that your ds has no friends he can bunk down with even at 13, or that you just weren't that interested in seeing her new house (well, that would have been rude but you get the idea). But only if you'd said it when the invitation was issued. The point is, you didn't. You accepted. Therefore, dropping out now is what YABU about, not, 'not wanting to go'.

However, agree with posters above, you didn't want to know if YWBU or not, so I'm not sure why you asked in this section.

You know yabu cancelling at short notice, because nothing has really changed since you accepted the invite.

Having said that, we have all been there haven't we? Say yes and by the time it comes to actually going you just can't be bothered anymore. Especially since it is so difficult to get there and back.

Could you say you don't have child care and invite them to yours instead? You can see her new flat another time?

You've made up your mind so whatever we say won't make a difference. Even with the updates you are still being unreasonable. Your friend will still be upset.

Feel free to cancel but it will make your friend feel bad.

Please don't take JackieO's advice, OP.

You're being a bad enough friend without lying to her as well and asking your DS to collude in the lie.

I don't feel I'm being any more unreasonable than her, less if anything.

The old phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" seems relevant here. Just because one friend has dropped out doesn't make it less rude for you to do the same. If anything, for the reasons you've stated, it makes it more so.

I can quite see why this night out is a bit of a hassle. But I can't see what factors have changed significantly enough to warrant dropping out with such short notice. It might have been a whole lot more sensible to decline the invitation in the first place and suggest a more suitable time. Now you've committed yourself (knowing the distance and complicating factors) you can't use your other friend's failure to attend as any sort of justification for going missing yourself.

This is an annual event, we meet a couple of times in the year but always around Xmas. So saying no isn't really an option, we'd have to have met at some point and friend was insistent it was at her new home. We normally meet in London or at mine as the others cant have anyone to their homes. Like I said this was the only day everyone could make before Xmas.

I'm not going to be blackmailed into going by the fear of someone possibly being upset or cutting contact with me, because the latter certainly won't happen. I'm more concerned with whether in the absence of my friend I'm going to have an uncomfortable evening, especially if the most recent disagreement is rehashed (which is possible). It is the likelihood of that which is more of a factor than how she'll take the news. I'm an adult, I've had people cancel things many many times. I've had parties where those who rsvp'd didn't turn up and never gave an excuse. I wasn't impressed but it wasn't the end if the world either, and that was a much more significant event.

These friends are not the infallible, always there in a crisis kind. I don't really have friends like that. I suppose if they were I might feel as strongly as some of you.

These friends are not the infallible, always there in a crisis kind. I don't really have friends like that.

Well, there's a surprise.

well, at least next year you'll know not to bother to commit.

YABVU. Your other drop-out friend is neither here nor there. Your excuses are just that, excuses.

I would probably leave the 13 year old at home to be honest.

Of course saying 'no' is an option. But the time to do it is at the point of invitation. Not 24 hours before event.

it does sound like a right faff. but you can't have only just realised that.

You asked the question, and you have your answer. A resounding YABU. That's not going to change - but you're obviously not going so why do you care? And why did you ask in the first place? You're trying to justify yourself to a bunch of strangers on the internet, which is ridiculous.

What SurburbanReindeer* said.

Quite frankly I'm surprised you have any friends at all.
And no one is "blackmailing" you. You posted here and asked for opinions. Most people think you are rude and flakey and if you didn't want to go you should have said so when you were invited not pull out the day before because your closest friend is just about as rude as you are and had no qualms about letting the host down.

blackmailing ?!?

Where has that come from ?

Have to agree with SuburbanReindeer's post just below your last post OP

Who on earth treats their friends like this ?
Or, if you don't consider her your friend, why would you agree to the arrangement in the first place ?

You sound like you don't really like them, don't go, they'll likely have a better night anyway.

The thing is, you put yourself out for your friends.

Your friend is having a gathering.....no doubt has put some effort into it and is looking forward to seeing her friends.
As always,it's good to think how the other person might feel, not just what is convenient for us.

I'm sure you can justify not going, in your own mind, if you really want to. Or you could be a good friend and just put up with the schlep over there,and have a good time.

We've all been there - accepted an invite and then circumstances change so we feel less motivated to go.
But you need a better excuse not to go - you can't possibly tell her you can't be bothered or that you don't want to now the other friend has dropped out.
Could you also send her a bunch of flowers tomorrow to apologise?
It's not the end of the world - especially if you are usually a reliable friend.

And OP, why come on here and ask AIBU if you aren't prepared to even consider anyone who suggests you may well be BU??

Your responses suggest you already know the answer, but are not prepared to accept it. Perhaps you will leave the thread thinking all MNers are cows and you are the only one in the right.

You may well decide not to go, that's up to you, but if you do, appreciate that dropping out at short notice is an unpleasant thing to do. It's a shame that you don't have close genuine friends who are there for you....perhaps this is a chance to start building some. Put yourself out and think of your friend.

I used to put myself out plenty. I got fuck all back. I bother far less nowadays.

You all obviously have a different concept of friendship, different friends to me. So be it. I haven't contacted the host as I've not finally decided, i intend to speak to my bf about it as he knows the people concerned, and the recent crap that's gone on and see if he thinks its a good idea to go or than i might have an difficult evening (which almost no one in your haste to say what a shitty person i am, seems to consider even the slightest bit relevant. Fwiw with friend there it would be different).

But OP, look at your original post. No mention of these 'issues' with those friends. You really do sound as if you are trying to justify what you are planning to do, to yourself.
You sound like you need someone to reassure you that dropping out last minute is okay.....we haven't given you that reassurance on here, so you will look to your boyfriend to do it. Perhaps he will tell you that what you are planning is fine, indeed best and deserved by the others, in the circumstances.
How many hours will it be by the time he tells you and you make up your mind? Even closer to the event, obviously.

I'm sure you're not a shitty person. This however, would be a bit of an unpleasant thing to do. I'm sorry you don't have close friends who would support you if you were hosting this kind of thing. As I said before, perhaps now is the time to start building those. If it's not with this group of friends, then, perhaps you can think about what would help your friendships with others become closer.

It maybe that your experience of friendship is different to most on here. Most people hope their friends will support them and not let them down last minute, and expect to behave in the same way towards them. People also expect to be able to express an opinion on AIBU because YOU yourself invited them to.

Regardless of what you decide to do here, I hope that you are able to make some genuine friendships that are mutually supportive in the coming year.

I used to put myself out plenty. I got fuck all back. I bother far less nowadays.

You all obviously have a different concept of friendship, different friends to me. So be it. I haven't contacted the host as I've not finally decided, i intend to speak to my bf about it as he knows the people concerned, and the recent crap that's gone on and see if he thinks its a good idea to go or than i might have an difficult evening (which almost no one in your haste to say what a shitty person i am, seems to consider even the slightest bit relevant. Fwiw with friend there it would be different).