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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to drop out the day before?

118 replies

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:08

Have been invited to friends new house for a pre Xmas 'get together' tomorrow evening.

Two of us going don't drive. It's about a 1.5hr journey to get to friends nearest station and then a 25 min walk from there.

Other non driving friend has a 2.5 hour train journey (actual distance not that far, just involves going via London etc). due to that plus cost she said late last night she's not going.

We were invited to stay over, I've already said I cant as DS2 (13) is at home, and whilst he'll be fine for an eve, I wouldn't leave him alone overnight. So as it is I'll only be going for 3 hours. WIBU to say I'm not going now and suggest we rearrange for another time?

OP posts:
skylark2 · 18/12/2014 09:01

Pretty unpleasant thing to say to your other three friends, isn't it? It was worth it while x was going but isn't worth it for you?

Bonkers time of year to arrange a generic get-together, IMO.

Buscake · 18/12/2014 09:02

If you're having to ask before you've even mentioned it to your friend, then you know yabu. Reverse the situation and think about how pissed off you'd be if everyone started cancelling on you.

Pooka · 18/12/2014 09:03

This is really incredibly rude.

Just because your other friend has dropped out, doesn't mean that you should be equally rude (if not more) and drop out at this late date.

It honestly sounds pretty childish really - if friend X isn't going, then I won't either.

ilovesooty · 18/12/2014 09:05

If I were your friend I wouldn't want to have anything further to do with you if you cancel.
Still you've apparently made up your mind anyway.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2014 09:08

I was in exactly the same position as you last weekend . (One of two families planning to go and visit friend 3 hours away). Other family pulled out at the eleventh hour.
I am sooooo pleased we still went. The look on my friends face when we arrived if sheer relief that his while weekend hadn't been ruined was in itself worth the six hour return trip.

tigermoll · 18/12/2014 09:09

Other friend gave no reason for dropping out other than time and cost. So I don't feel I'm being any more unreasonable than her, less if anything

OH WELL, THAT'S ALRIGHT THEN. As long as you are the slightly less unreasonable person you can sleep easy.

BTW, I think you're being MORE U than the other friend - she is dropping out because of distance and apathy. You are dropping out because your other friends 'aren't worth it' without her. I think your reasons are more hurtful.

If it's only the flakey friend that you were interested in seeing anyway, why on earth did you agree to go in the first place?

SuburbanReindeer · 18/12/2014 09:10

Your DS has no friends he could stay the night with? Really? At age 13?

I'd be interested to know what excuse you'll be using when you tell your "friend" you're not coming. I wouldn't be surprised if there never is another invitation in the future. If I were the friend, I certainly wouldn't bother with you again.

APlaceInTheWinter · 18/12/2014 09:12

Of course YABU. You're basically saying you were only using the host's house as a venue to meet your other friend and now they're not going, you don't care about seeing the host.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/12/2014 09:15

Yes I agree you aren't being any more unreasonable than your other friend. You are both being massively unreasonable. You are basically saying 'it was worth coming to see x but as she's not coming it's no longer worth it. You are not worth the effort'. Are these people actually your friends (other than x?). Definitely doesn't sound like it. But that's ok, because if you cancel I doubt they'll be in any rush to plan any further events with you anyway.

jelliebelly · 18/12/2014 09:15

YABU. Nothing has changed apart from your attitude to your friend who is hosting and presumably looking forward to her house warming..

chrome100 · 18/12/2014 09:16

YABU. Presumably you knew about the distance/time when you accepted the invitation? Bad form and very rude to pull out now.

NancyRaygun · 18/12/2014 09:17

could you bring your DS? he can have pizza and stay over too!

I would be really pissed off it I was your mate. Also, you seem to think you are doing her a favour by agreeing to go. "I was prepared to suck it up and go" rather than excited about going, or pleased to have been invited to catch up.

Your only hope is to call your friend and say "now X has dropped out do you still want to go ahead or shall we re-arrange a night we can all do in the New Year" and gauge her reaction.

chrome100 · 18/12/2014 09:19

If it's a 45 minute drive can you get a cab? Yes it's expensive but you've committed to going now and it would save you the long journey.

Chewbecca · 18/12/2014 09:20

YABU
I think you should've thought through the practicalities before now and before accepting.
Why not take DS and both stay over?

timetoplay · 18/12/2014 09:25

You've already made up you mind. I think you are unreasonable as is your friend, to your hosting friend you are saying that you'd have made the effort if this other friend was there but not now. Even if you don't feel that way, which it looks like you do, it will appear that way. But chances are if you force yourself to go you'll be resentful and miserable- which won't be fun for anyone, so definitely don't go.

vitabrits · 18/12/2014 09:25

You're not being unreasonable. It sounds like a lot of hassle getting there for a bit of time with people who you don't get on with.

timetoplay · 18/12/2014 09:27

vitabrits but it's a lot of hassle that OP was happy to go to before, to drop out the day before is rude. To do it because your friend isn't going says that OP should not be friends with the other two- since she obviously isn't keen on them.

UsedtobeFeckless · 18/12/2014 09:28

Does your mate drive? Could you say that as Flake Friend has dropped out and the journey is a bit of a nightmare for you would Host Friend like to come to you and stay over so you all can make a proper night of it?

Failing that you should go. It would be rude to ditch her at this late stage.

KERALA1 · 18/12/2014 09:28

I have had someone pull out because of strictly final! Don't quite know what to say to that one! Still lots of other guests.

Yabu by the way. As an organiser type I detest flakey drop outs and don't invite them again

MimiSunshine · 18/12/2014 09:30

I think not only are you being VERY unreasonable i think you are very selfish.

I’m guessing you accepted the invite without much thought and / or because you don’t like missing out. Your friends were all going and so even though “its a hassle” you didn’t want to be the only one not going. Now the only one you really care about has pulled out you don’t care about missing out so aren’t going either.

Why bother suggesting to rearrange, as others have said, nothing about the situation will have changed except your favourite friend will be going (until she pulls out again last minute).

Suck it up, be a better person and just go. Or don’t, but don’t expect the host to make any effort for you again.

UmizoomiThis · 18/12/2014 09:38

So the host has a new house she wants to show off and invites 3 friends on a Friday, the weekend before Christmas to hers for a takeaway. 2 of the friends don't drive and she knows it will be a difficult journey for them.

No sorry - she should have been expecting this.

People get frazzled with errands and last minute shopping this time of the year and if you really care about spending time with your friends, you do it at a location that is easy for everyone to reach (because you want to see your friends not show them your new place.)

If she was cooking an elaborate meal, had invited your son to also spend the night (and arranged for activities for him, you'd rude to cancel.)

As it is, she's planning a takeout at her house. Hardly a lot of effort.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 09:39

There isn't room for DS, it's a 1 bed flat. I doubt he'd want to go, and my friends (none of whom have DC) don't really like having children around when drinking. Plus I'd have to go home and get him, so I wouldn't be there til 8.30 or later.

He doesn't have friends he'd stay with. He's quite sociable, but having close friends isn't that important to him.

I couldn't get a taxi, it would cost £100+ and I simply can't afford it.

I don't need to go solely to see that friend, we meet up fairly regularly just the two of us anyway. But she is a bit of a buffer when needed with the other two. I will feel uncomfortable without her there esp in view of the recent disagreement.

As for sucking it up etc, I am a ft working lone parent. My job is quite pressured and by the e d of the week being out 7-7 most days I'm knackered. So no, I don't particularly get excited by a 2hr journey on a Fri night. But I felt obliged as it's friends new home etc.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 18/12/2014 09:43

Sorry, I agree with all above. I would be gutted in your friend's (the hostess) shoes. And MASSIVELY pissed off with you. Even though I see the logic in your arguments, is simply too late to back out without causing enormous bad feeling.

UsedtobeFeckless · 18/12/2014 09:48

I don't blame you - it sounds like a massive faff - but you did agree to go!

Jackie0 · 18/12/2014 09:56

It sounds like a bloody awful night out. All that hassle to sit in someone's flat with two people you don't like and eat pizza?
Even when the other friend , that you do like , was going , its still sounds like a crappy way to spend a Friday night.
Why on earth did you accept?
You can still get out of it if you have the brass neck to be totally rude and you don't really want their friendship anyway.
I'm not sure honesty would be the best policy. Tell them your ds is sick.
Use Friday night to practice " thanks for the invite but no that won't be possible " in front of the mirror Wink
Take it from one who could do with the practise herself,( although I'm am getting better).