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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drop out the day before?

118 replies

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 08:08

Have been invited to friends new house for a pre Xmas 'get together' tomorrow evening.

Two of us going don't drive. It's about a 1.5hr journey to get to friends nearest station and then a 25 min walk from there.

Other non driving friend has a 2.5 hour train journey (actual distance not that far, just involves going via London etc). due to that plus cost she said late last night she's not going.

We were invited to stay over, I've already said I cant as DS2 (13) is at home, and whilst he'll be fine for an eve, I wouldn't leave him alone overnight. So as it is I'll only be going for 3 hours. WIBU to say I'm not going now and suggest we rearrange for another time?

OP posts:

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 18/12/2014 16:09

which almost no one in your haste to say what a shitty person i am, seems to consider even the slightest bit relevant

Well, you clearly didn't consider it relevant either given you drip fed that information later.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/12/2014 16:10

Pulling out of a 'nibbles and take out pizza' night is no big deal.

Can't you get a lift with the driver? Otherwise make it for another night.

It's not the end of the world.

Original poster

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 16:20

Sorry for double post.

The issues I mentioned in a post a couple after my OP, to explain why I wasn't keen to go if my friend wasn't there, because she is a buffer.

I'm not justifying it to myself. I'm quite happy that if I don't go it won't be the end of the world. And if I do go out of obligation, I'll have at best an ok time at worst I'll be leaving 5 mins after I arrive, and I suspect I'll end up thinking I shouldn't have made the effort.

I'm not that bothered about friendships tbh, in the sense of forging stronger ones. I'm extremely self reliant. I have my DCs and my bf. I go out with friends, (hopefully) have a jolly time, but I don't expect or really need more than that.

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/12/2014 16:36

Totally agree with FunkyBoldRibena. This is not a big deal. Cancelling a dinner or something where people have tickets would be. But not pizza.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 16:38

YABU.

You knew it was a hassle to get there. You knew you'd had "issues" with some of the others going. You accepted but now you're going to pull out as short notice because basically you can't be arsed. You've dripfed on this thread to support your point. Now you're saying you're not arsed about friendship or doing the right thing.

You sound like a nightmare.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 16:41

Sorry Ribena and middle aged but letting someone down on the last Friday before Christmas because you can't be arsed is a big deal. I've turned down 3 things to meet friends tomorrow.

whois · 18/12/2014 16:41

im quite happy that if I don't go it won't be the end of the world

Why ask on AIBU then?

cricketpitch · 18/12/2014 16:43

YANBU - but it isn't great. Call friend and explain - she might be relieved especially as other friend won't be there. (I just had a friend cancel and was delighted as had really overscheduled this week so you never know). Do what is right for you, no point in being a martyr - these things happen for whatever reason - we have cocked up before. Just explain and apologise - and think ahead next time.

christmaspies · 18/12/2014 16:53

Op you really take the I would hate to have you as a friend, if that's the way you treat them.

Celticlass2 · 18/12/2014 16:54

OP, there's a lot of frothing on here over not very much The travel arrangements alone sounds like a real faff to me. I wouldn't be happy about leaving a 13 year old either, unless I could get home fairly quickly if needed. It would really have to be walking distance or a short taxi ride.

Yes, perhaps you shouldn't have agreed to go in the first place, but we've all been there when we've hastily agree to an arrangement, especially if put on the spot, and then regret it afterwards.

Ring your friend and explain, and rearrange for another date. If she takes umbrage, she's not really much of a friend is she?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/12/2014 16:58

YoullLikeItNotaLot - hugely jealous of your social life!

SuburbanReindeer · 18/12/2014 17:17

Yes, that's a great idea, OP.

Ask on AIBU, then when you get an almost unanimous YABU, ask your boyfriend whether he thinks you'll have a difficult evening. That should give you the answer you want.

Bowlersarm · 18/12/2014 17:22

Maybe you should have spoken to your boyfriend first, OP. A quick conversation to make you decide, end of story.

Instead you've spent all day popping in here and getting crosser and crosser when we aren't agreeing with you.

timetoplay · 18/12/2014 17:42

Why did you ask if you don't like hearing people say YABU? Why not give all the information at the beginning? You made it appear as though all you were interested in was this friend who had cancelled, that once she wasn't going you weren't bothered about seeing your other friends-it was suddenly a hassle. That makes you a fickle friend and favourtising, hence why people said 'don't expect the host to put herself out for you'. Now you are adding information to justify more about how they aren't true friends to you, you don't care for their friendship and they aren't pleasant. Totally different to your OP and looks like justifying.

Why not just say at the start 'WIBU to cancel a night out tomorrow. I have a group of friends that have arranged to meet tomorrow, I only agreed to go because my closest friend would be there. These other friends I have drifted away from and had disagreements with and I'm not comfortable being alone with them. I know I need to break off the friendship but WIBU to cancel tomorrow night? I know that without my friend there it will be an awful evening and I'll feel like shit.'

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 17:44

middle aged only happens this time of year

ilovesooty · 18/12/2014 17:47

It's a good job you're self reliant isn't it?
Still if you need to get your bf to validate your behaviour you seemingly aren't as self reliant as all that.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2014 18:34

You all obviously have a different concept of friendship, different friends to me. So be it.

No. I think we all have a different concept of manners. And thoughtfulness. And kindness.

But you just pootle off and do what you like.

Why did you bother to ask?

Original poster

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 19:30

I wont be able to discuss it with my bf until much later tonight, hence I thought I'd see what others views were in the interim. Obviously at some point in the many years since I joined MN it's become the law that you can only post in AIBU if you're committed to performing a volte-face if others don't agree with you. I accept I may well be being unreasonable in considering cancelling, indeed some of you think I'm being appalling simply for not desperately wanting to go but that's not to say I'm going to suddenly agree I should go.

I wouldn't say I've grown apart from these friends. I've known them for 25-30 years, but I've never felt any closer/ less close than I do now, the only difference is following more recent issues I'm perhaps more cautious around them than I might otherwise have been.

Anyway, it appears that's all somewhat by the by, as other friend going (not the host) has sent a group message saying lets cancel and rearrange for sometime next yr when everyone is free. So it looks like the decision has been made for me.

OP posts:

KateMosley · 18/12/2014 20:26

I'm embarrassed for you tbh that you need to discuss with your boyfriend whether you can cope with going to something you had already agreed to

You were clearly not going to go even if the host hadn't cancelled.

ilovesooty · 18/12/2014 20:31

If I were the host I wouldn't bother to offer hospitality again.

And I'd find some better friends.

bbcessex · 18/12/2014 20:33

velvetspoon - I think you've had a tough ride here. I can completely understand agreeing to something initially that was a faff, but wanting to do it for the other person.. and then nearer the time, it gets more and more of a faff, until it really no longer seems like a good idea.

I've been there. I'm a really loyal and committed friend, so if it felt right, or I felt the host would be genuinely gutted, I'd still put myself out and go to it, but if I felt it was okay to blow it out, then I would..

You have the feeling that you can bow out of your evening and there would be no loss - you're more than likely right. The 'hostess' (pizza-orderer!) is probably relieved to get her night back!

Can't believe the majority of people have never committed to something casual that lost it's shine...

Celticlass2 · 18/12/2014 20:42

Can't believe the amount of vitriol directed against the OP. Some of you need to get a sense if perspective.
You would think the OP had done something heinous.

Dipankrispaneven · 18/12/2014 20:46

Extremely rude to drop out at this stage. Can't you get a taxi from the station to make the journey easier? Or might friend pick you up?

Original poster

velvetspoon · 18/12/2014 20:49

How bizarre to be embarrassed for me! I discuss most things with my bf, as he does me. Isn't that what good relationships are based on? :)

And it's not the host who cancelled, it was the other friend who said we'll rearrange.

This has become more of a faff. The friend who isn't going messaged me after we got the other msg about rearranging saying she would have gone if either host or other friend has given her a lift as they'd originally said they would when it was arranged (I'd forgotten that til she reminded me).

Not sure what will happen when we rearrange as I expect host friend will still want us to come to her, so we will still have the same issue over the journey with other friend.

OP posts:

Celticlass2 · 18/12/2014 20:54

I wouldn't give in another thought op.

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