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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"if they hit you hit them back"

88 replies

solidussnake · 05/12/2014 10:31

TAAT in a way. why do parents teach children to hit the other child if they've been hit? AIBU to think it's not the best way to go about it?
My mum told me exactly the same thing... why?

OP posts:

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 10:36

So, that you don't end up being a doormat.

It hasn't been a problem for my children, yet. If it ever becomes one then I'm going to teach them karate and philosophy and tell them of my policy, which is never to hit anyone. But, if I did ever hit someone, they probably would need a visit to A&E.

hiddenhome · 05/12/2014 10:36

Because if you hit them back, they generally stop

One of my greatest regrets is that I didn't rip my bullies heads off when I was at school.

Of course, if you're a PC, liberal hand-wringer, who believes that bullies are really just misunderstood fluffy bunnies then let people walk all over you by all means.

ghostyslovesheep · 05/12/2014 10:37

not ideal but I would expect my kids to be able to defend themselves

I would never condone them being the instigator of violence, I would (and do) encourage them to tell, to walk away to avoid hitting back - however in self defence I would have no issue with it - they don't have to tolerate being hurt

ovaltine · 05/12/2014 10:39

Because if someone hits you and you do nothing, they will do it again and again. Don't be a doormat. Don't hit first.

Pumpkinpositive · 05/12/2014 10:39

TAAT in a way. why do parents teach children to hit the other child if they've been hit? AIBU to think it's not the best way to go about it?
My mum told me exactly the same thing... why?

What would you advise a child to do when someone hits them and doesn't stop?

Sparklingbrook · 05/12/2014 10:39

We told Ds1 to when he was being bullied but he never had the nerve to. If he had and I had been called in to discuss it I would have told them the same.

As a bullied child myself i really wish I had done it..

FelixTitling · 05/12/2014 10:40

my ds is a natural pacifist and peacekeeper. He was teased and targeted at school over about a year by 2 boys who would often egg a larger group on to tease my ds too.

This only completely stopped when he finally lost his cool and punched one of the main protagonists. I think if he had done it earlier his tormentor would have stopped a lot sooner. It hasn't happened once since then.

Teeb · 05/12/2014 10:41

If you can't get away then don't just stand there and take it.

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/12/2014 10:41

'dont start anything but if anyone else does, then finish it'
Good advice IMVO

TimelyNameChangey · 05/12/2014 10:42

I grew up in a very rough area and I was a gentle child from a good family. I had to learn to hit back or I would have been a complete victim. It's awful but in some areas it's usual...and sadly necessary.

Teeb · 05/12/2014 10:43

Everyone on the thread has said they don't support violence at all, but that if their child is confronted with violence and assaulted then you defend yourself in whichever way off they feel comfortable.

2minsofyourtime · 05/12/2014 10:43

What would you do if someone hit you?

I teach my child never to hit first but yes they can hit back. Can't see any other way. Please educate me

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 10:44

What would you advise a child to do when someone hits them and doesn't stop?

It depends on the circumstances. In my daughter's school there is a group of juvenile boys who don't appear to listen to any schooling and punch each other as a standard. At a party once, one of them spent the final third of the gathering punching another one, who was crying. When their fathers arrived one told his son to stop crying and the other watched his son punching with an odd vacant expression on his face. The boys also punch (or have punched) my daughter when in range. She explains that they wait until the teacher has turned her back and then strike.

Sparklingbrook · 05/12/2014 10:44

Timely. i don't think it's down to areas, but down to the sort of children you get anywhere that think bullying is ok.

TimelyNameChangey · 05/12/2014 10:45

Mins I once saw a girl in my class...we were 14...walk 2 miles home whilst being pushed and hit by another girl who wanted a fight...the victim kept her head up...she looked ahead and did not react for 2 miles. Such strength...but she remained a victim for her whole schooling....the kids didn't compare her to Gandhi...they weren't that open minded.

She'd have done better to hit back in the short term.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 05/12/2014 10:45

If someone is attacking you physically, you should be able to stop them physically. That's what it comes down to IMO.

DomiKatetrix · 05/12/2014 10:46

As PP have said, sometimes it's necessary. It'll be something I'll tell DC.

redexpat · 05/12/2014 10:46

I remember reading a thread on here about what stops bullying. There were 200 posts all saying that the only way it stopped was when the victim hit back.

BarbarianMum · 05/12/2014 10:47

I tell my children they are allowed to defend themselves physically if they are being hurt but better to walk away and tell a teacher /adult if they can.

I don't encourage tit for tat hitting because there are almost always other ways of dealing with a situation and I expect them to work through those first.

There are better ways to stop bullying/not be a door mat than physical violence (I personally found humour, assertiveness and ridicule worked well as a teenager) and and the benefit of these is they can be used on into adult life.

Bambambini · 05/12/2014 10:50

I want my kids to be physically confident enough to be able to defend themselves. Not to hit first but sometimes violence is necessary. I wish I had had more confidence to hit back, luckily I wasn't bullied but there are always a few instances where I'd have loved to whack someone.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 05/12/2014 10:51

Because people live in the real world, not some fantasy utopia.

PacificDogwood · 05/12/2014 10:51

There's a difference between saying 'if somebody hits you, hit them back' and teaching children about being assertive, not confrontational, recognising flash points before they erupt, standing up for themselves, walking away if possible and hitting back as a last resort.

It's a work in progress with my children who seem to enjoy taking lumps out of each other…

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 10:52

My problem with violence is that it's extremely unreliable. It's a bit like getting a Cobra out at a party. You can never tell what's going to happen next.

BertieBrabinger · 05/12/2014 10:52

It isn't great, and you should never teach your kid to use violence first to solve a problem, but if they are physically abused by another kid then they have every right to defend themselves.

And it can be strangely effective. I was bullied badly from 11-13 by the same girl at school (she bullied everyone) and it wasn't until the day I actually lost it and smacked her back that she left me alone. She never ever bothered me again, and it helped me recover much of my confidence that she had spent the best part of two years trying to destroy.

I second those suggesting it's a good idea to teach kids (especially boys) karate, judo etc. as a fun, active hobby that will also allow them to defend themselves if needs be.

Sparklingbrook · 05/12/2014 10:54

I felt strange actually wishing DS1 would physically defend himself but he just wouldn't do it. He knew he had our full backing and yet he didn't want to get into trouble with the teacher. So frustrating.

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