"if they hit you hit them back"

[solidussnake]

TAAT in a way. why do parents teach children to hit the other child if they've been hit? AIBU to think it's not the best way to go about it?
My mum told me exactly the same thing... why?

[raltheraffe]

My son is due to start junior karate and at 5 will start junior Muay Thai.

The guy who runs the Muay Thai has also trained me in the past. He makes it clear that the techniques should never be used outside the gym unless there is no escape route and no alternative to violence. I was assaulted earlier this year and did not fight back, even though I could have flattened the woman, as there was an escape route so I took that and then called the police.

The problem with teaching kids to hit back harder is when you are an adult you cannot conduct yourself in that manner, unless you do not mind getting a criminal record.

I want my son to have the confidence if he is set on he can bring the attack to an end with the absolute minimum of force.

If ds started fling flonging down the road like Bruce Lee, Sandy Holt who runs the Muay Thai (a very famous boxer) would kick him out the boxing school and rightly so.

[Fanjango]

Sometimes hitting back is the only way. My ds1 is big for his age and I always told him to be careful not to hurt others as he was capable of causing real damage. When he got picked on he walked away, put up with it and got on with things. When it came to being grappled to the ground by bully, he hit back! Never got touched again.

[Chattymummyhere]

We are currently doing the tell the teacher with our son but it's not working so next step will be to hit back.
I was bullied at school and never hit back I missed 6months of school due to refusing to go and transferring, I wish I had hit back as the second it started at my new school because I was the new kid I hit back and it never happened again.

The children in my sons year all "play" like this at home infront of their parents, my sons been "clothes Linded" on the way home by a class mate the dad tutted at my son because his son hurt himself (he fell over) as a result of attacking mine.

[HonestLie]

I agree with "don't start it but you can finish it" attitude.

I have a friend who told her little boy this from day dot though which I disagreed 100% with. It is something I'll probably tell my own DD when she's a lot older if I need to.

[solidussnake]

nono, sorry
I would say it, but it often involves your dc getting into trouble, parents meetings and the like but not for the dc who it first. bit silly isnt it?
I'm all too aware that telling teachers makes it worse. I was just thinking, if we all know that, why do we tell our dcs to do something that will get them into more trouble than the child who hit them in the first place?

[jcscot]

"Never throw the first punch, but always throw the last."

Our advice to our children regarding physical violence. Obviously we tell them that it should be a last resort, that they should tell a teacher etc etc but if they have no other option, then sometimes one well-timed punched will prevent/halt bullies.

[HonestLie]

I should add that my views are situation dependant though.

[Butterpuff]

I'd probably suggest shouting and running away rather than hitting back to be honest. I'm under 5ft tall, there was little chance of me 'finishing' anything and getting into a fight I would likely have come out worse. I'm also a fan of telling, anyone, friends, family, teachers, police whoever, shout to the world if someone is being an arse so that everyone else knows they are being an arse.

[HonestLie]

Bertie why just boys?

[HonestLie]

Or sorry why especially boys?

[solidussnake]

also, I was bullied from the first day of R1 right the waqy up to my last year of high school, and it really didn't stop there either. Kids are ruthless. My mum wanted me to hit back but I wouldn't either! I didn't want to get into trouble with the school! It was the same girl who bullied me, I was pushed down the stairs, pushed into a beck thing, and i still ever hit back - back then I would have rather hurt myself than them. Now, I still can't let go, and wish I'd have gave her a left right goodnight

[DoraGora]

I think boys because they often find hitting each other funny. Girls, if they're lucky, escape this so called fun.

[KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard]

DS was bullied by another child for years. He tried telling the teachers but they would just stand there like an expressionless, limp lettuce.

One day after being repeatedly shoved to the ground he smacked bully child in the balls and threw a rock in his face.

Bullying stopped. DS learnt a lesson.

As far as I'm concerned, the teachers encouraged that to happen. He was forced to take matters into his own hands.

[OneLeggedCrabGoingInCircles]

I don't encourage my DD or DS to hit back but I believe they are confident enough to hit back if need be.
Plus I do have to tell them to wallop someone really hard if they are being snatched off the street etc.
Tbh if DC has siblings then they will be walloping each other a lot of the time so automatically learn to defend themselves anyway and learn how to deal with the situation appropriately.

[Shesparkles]

We've also advocated "never throw the first punch but always the last" and although my kids have not (to my knowledge) needed to put it into practice, I think them having the knowledge that we feel like this has almost empowered them to not need to use it.
I once had an off the record,conversation with my ds' P2 teacher who said that she believed there would be far fewer bullying problems in schools if this could be allowed. Makes you think....

[HonestLie]

But it's not just about protecting themselves at school... I can't help but wonder what the affect on DV would be if more women knew how to defend themselves. Not knowing can make the victim feel weak and IMHO is the reason many don't leave sooner/at all.

As soon as my DD is old enough I will encourage her to attend some form of martial arts class.

[DoraGora]

I think you can't allow end punches in school because of the twisted nature of the he said, she said, post mortem. It would effectively be saying these children can punch and those ones can't.

[solidussnake]

yeah.. when I was in high school even when i told them about my MH problems which stemmed from bullying and showed them the evidence of it they didn't care. didn't do anything.
I sort of blame my mum in a way. I couldn't have gone to the other school because 4 or 5 of the bullies were there from primary school, then at my school was the worst one. I wanted to go to another and she wouldn't let me. I resent her for that because I still can't let go of what happened when i was in school. the teachers encouraged it, as king said, because they don't know what to do and can't expell for bullying or keep us out of the same places.
one i'm two foot and a tab end, everyone was always bigger than me, easy target and no matter how much I was told to defend myself, I couldn't. It was very intimidating. How I managed it is beyond me. I hope my DCs never have it :(

[Sparklingbrook]

Ds1 refused to go to any martial arts because he didn't want that close contact/combat with other children, especially ones he didn't know. Probably because of the bullying.
he went and watched a session but we couldn't get him to join in the end.

[TheySayIamparanoid]

My DD was bullied horrendously at middle school for months, I was in school several times a week to try and sort it out. This went on for months with the school not doing anything but asking the bullies to stop- they were sacred of being branded 'racist'
Eventually we'd had enough of my DD being terrified of school and the nightmares so I told her to hit back. She pushed one of the bullies into a bush and he ran home crying. The school (tried to) come down on us like a ton of bricks talking about writing letters of apology and break time detentions.
I was livid but managed to stay calm despite that they couldn't see their hypocrisy!
Anyway, she never went back there, I refused to send her and moved schools!

[BarbarianMum]

So let's apply this wisdom to the example given in the other thread.

Group of girls teasing another girl (again).

Teased girl loses it and pushes one of her tormentors.

Tormentor has been told not to hit first but to make sure she hits last so punches girl she's been teasing.

Result????

[DoraGora]

I think the problem with using violence in the home is that you'd really need to be an expert if you're going to do that. School is a public place and conflict doesn't go unnoticed (even if the teachers then do bugger all). At home, if hubby has a propensity to hit and she hits back, then it's going to become an all out fight with one coming out on top. A little bit of martial arts knowledge (and courage) is no good then. You need all of it.

[HonestLie]

Barbarian I don't really think that's what people are saying. Most are teaching their children to walk away unless walking away isn't an option. Every person has the right to defends themselves when being physically attacked.

[HonestLie]

And also I don't think it's "teasing" that's being discussed. It's bullying, two completely different things.