"if they hit you hit them back"

[solidussnake]

TAAT in a way. why do parents teach children to hit the other child if they've been hit? AIBU to think it's not the best way to go about it?
My mum told me exactly the same thing... why?

[BertieBrabinger]

Honestlie on reflection I don't know why I said especially boys - I think I meant it because boys are more prone to fisticuffs than girls on account of all the raging testosterone and so getting them to channel that natural physicality into something that is beneficial to mind and body seems like a good idea. But thinking about it, girls need to know how to take care of physical threat as much if not more than men given that it tends to be male violence on women that is more common than the other way round.
Blokes do seem to settle scores with a punch up more than women do. I think by and large women perfect the art of a good verbal punch up. At least that's what I have observed...

[Threeplus1]

I was bullied in year 7 by a sixth form girl and her mates and their boyfriends for a few months. They would follow me and my friend home from school. One day she got me alone and started on me, her mates and the boyfriends all looking on. I saw red and walloped her before knocking her to the ground in a rugby tackle. Her boyfriend pulled me off and she called me some nasty names screaming at me. I didn't care that she'd scratched me deeply across my face and pulled a chunk of my hair out, I felt like I got my confidence back. She never so much as even looked at me again and I got a reputation as someone not to be messed with. I was never bullied again. I've always told my kids not to instigate violence or they'd have me to deal with, but if anyone hits you or repeatedly bullies you and the teachers don't put a stop to it then all bets are off. Hit once and make it a good 'un

[Whatsthewhatsthebody]

Good on your dd muskey if someone spat in my face I would react the same.

[Muskey]

My dd in yr 3 was hounded by another girl. Dd didn't retaliate until one day the same child spat in dds face. Dd stood up to the girl and walloped her as hard as she could (enough to leave a substantial bruise) Both dd and the child got into trouble for the incident. When I picked dd up from schoolshe told me what had happened. She also said the reason she was upset was not because she had hit the other child but the fact she had got into trouble for it and thought I would tell her off for hitting another child. I told dd that whilst it was wrong to hit the other child (and had to accept the consequences of her actions)I was extremely proud of her for standing up for herself. When the teacher asked to have a meeting with me about dd reaction (or in her words over reaction) I said that whilst I do not condone violence I do believe everybody has the right to defend themselves and dd response whilst over the top for her ( she is actually a very gentle soul)it was an appropriate response to what had happened.

[Whatsthewhatsthebody]

Wwwwd

As an adult you can choose to exit the area as a kid at school you can't have that luxury.

Sorry my kids are noones punch bags and neither am I.

Hit back and hit harder.

I am afraid to say telling teacher doesn't work. Not past 10 anyway.

[AlexTurnersmicropone]

We always told our boys not to start anything, but if someone else starts it you can finish it!

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

I was bullied horrendously at school and always told to just ignore it. Like a poster up thread I once walked home from school with one of the bullies literally hanging from my hair, and I ignored. This continued for four years until one day I snapped, and hit back. It wasnt even a hard slap, never mind a punch, but from that day on, no one laid a finger on me, or even called me names.

My daughter was told to never start anything, but always finish it.

[Number3cometome]

I teach my children that if someone hits them, they hit back.

My children are not there to be someone else's punch bag.

However, if my child hits someone first, they can be 100% certain of the fact that Mummy is going to be mighty pissed off with them!

[Jessicahyde85]

I told my child not to hit back, but to tell a teacher, the result my child was hit and then told a teacher who became annoyed at him .... Now I tell him, knock their teeth out son!

[wwwwd]

Bellwether

As an adult who is not a thug, when I have been in conflict situations I have not hit back, I have exited the area. The most I have ever done is blocked punches. That is how a responsible adult should behave.

I was assaulted earlier this year by a neighbour. I let her land the punch and then told her I would be informing the police and if she ever laid another hand on me I would not hesitate to use my martial arts to end the conflict. A friendly word from the local police officer and she has never hit me again or threatened me.

Just because someone hits you first that does not give you carte blanche to hit back. Not even in criminal law. I asked the copper who dealt with the neighbour what he would have done if I had whacked her one back, would that be a criminal offence? He said if that had happened and we had both started brawling he would have arrested both of us.

I am gobsmacked as someone who other MN posters refer to as "rough as fuck" to be the one who would not act like a thug and behave like a responsible adult.

[financialwizard]

My son went to Karate/Judo/Every other martial art under the sun and could put his 6'4" Dad on his arse if he wanted to but he won't. He diffuses situations by humour. He has always been told to never start a fight, but if no one is doing anything to help him to damn well stop it using physical force if necessary. He never would though.

My daughter is quite young but If she was in a situation where she was being physically bullied I would tell her the same.

When I was growing up there was an awful bully who was always punching my friend and one day on the way home she punched me in the face (I was with my friend). I punched her back and split her lip. She never picked on my friend or I again. She was a nasty piece of work.

[Bellwether]

Little children, no. They're all equally little sods and any child hitting for real at that age needs help.

Later?

All bets are OFF.

Hitting a bully is the only way to cure a bully. The only way.

It's not like, when we're adults, we follow the "if they hit you you must be a lovely sweet child and go and tell a grownie uppie right away!" rule is it? No. You defend yourself. You don't get grabbed in a bar and think 'oh, I'll just say 'No!' to this bully, or perhaps ask them if they want to eat lunch with me', you FIGHT. The solution changes because the rules have changed. Someone attacking you with intent to cause harm needs to be harmed. Someone attacking you because they're a silly 6 year old, no, not the same. But at 14? 15? 34?

Drop 'em to their knees.

[raltheraffe]

why not go speak to the neighbours morrigu and see if you can settle this amicably?

[Morrigu]

Sorry but that's exactly what I told my ds last night as a boy has been picking on him in school. We live in an estate so the same people who go to his school are our neighbours and I'm not having this boy then carrying it on outside school. He needs to stick up for himself before he becomes a doormat. DM was the 'tell an adult, don't hit back' type person and that never worked with the ones who bullied me.

[Whatsthewhatsthebody]

Taught mine to never not but if hit to hit back and hit harder.

It's not nice but bullies are cowardsis the absolute truth.

I found it easier with my lads as the bullying is usually physical.

With girls it can be far more subtle and far more insidious.

However my dd did grab one particularly nasty specimen who had been calling her mate 'a fat cow' dd slammed her up against the wall and then loudly called the other kids to 'look this is what a nasty bitch looks like. It's just Ugly'.

She got whoops of applause as this girl was a huge bully.

Dd is 15. That's my girl.

[Sparklingbrook]

One boy constantly whipped Ds around the face with his sweatshirt in the changing rooms after PE. How I wish DS had lamped him one.

[raltheraffe]

DoraGora

I think the problem with using violence in the home is that you'd really need to be an expert if you're going to do that. School is a public place and conflict doesn't go unnoticed (even if the teachers then do bugger all). At home, if hubby has a propensity to hit and she hits back, then it's going to become an all out fight with one coming out on top. A little bit of martial arts knowledge (and courage) is no good then. You need all of it.

There is a MASSIVE problem with using violence in the home....it is called DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I have done martial arts for 20 years. I have never hit DH and never would, no matter how annoying he was being. You just do not raise your hands to someone no matter what.

I was once involved in a DV relationship, if you can call it that as I was only assaulted once and I phoned the police and had him arrested. Even then I used the absolute minimum force necessary to end the assault. I could have done him some serious damage but martial art training is NOT about kicking the crap out of people, it is about being calm and controlled in a combat situation and doing the perpetrator the absolute minimum harm to end the assault.

I was raised with DV and only started karate at 12 to defend myself and my mum against my dad who was 6 foot 3 and could really pack a punch.

Most Muay Thai boxers I know, including Sandy Holt are not thugs, they are peaceful people who like the sport and like getting fit. If any thugs did turn up at Sandy's gym they would not be allowed to train there and he makes it very clear if someone does start a pub brawl he will be the first to give a statement to the police.

[smokinggnu]

"Hit them right back" it's then just a never ending arms race to hit the hardest ffs. No. I don't encourage fighting of any kind, this is just teaching them to not be responsible for their actions. When I was 5 I'd figured out "but they started it" was hardly a solid defence.

[notagainffffffffs]

This was my grandads advice to me about a boy constantly picking at me, one day he slapped me so I smacked him as hard as I could in the nose and broke it. He did leave me alone after that but carried on being a general twat until he was jailed a few years back

[mummytime]

When I was at school, hitting bullies back did no good! All that happened was they would recruit friends to join in! Personal experience.

My DCs school on the other hand clamps down hard and firmly, from the very start.
This also covers verbal bullying, such as calling my v. Skinny DD - "fat". As a result, bullying stops pretty quickly. The only real issues are when staff don't take the bullying seriously enough eg. Bullying a boy about being "Ginger".

In adult life if you hit someone you can end up in prison, regardless of their provocation.

[Heels99]

My niece was badly bullied at school. Until the day she walked in and punched the bully in the face.

Sometimes it works. I would tell my children to hit back. What's wrong with it? Someone hits you, thump them back!

[Tobyjugg]

*in a

[Tobyjugg]

Never hit first son, but always hit last advice from my Dad when I was going to "big school" is a dodgy part of S London in the 1970s.

[Writerwannabe83]

When my DH was a boy he was physically bullied at school and his dad told him to hit them back - which he did. The bullying soon stopped.

My DH said it's a lesson he will be teaching our DS too.

If some random woman starting physically assaulting me I would give as good as I got and fight back with no qualms!!

Like a previous poster said - it's about not being a doormat. Bullies trend not to hurt people who fight back.

[momb]

I've never said this to my kids. ED had a really hard time through middle school with a group of thoroughly unpleasant girls and it got to the point where she didn't even confide in me any more as I was impotent to help her: they never hit, it was always verbal. We got through it by widening her social circle so when she got to senior school she would know more people. Then at Senior school these girls teamed up with the older bullies there, and several of them travelled on the same school bus as my ED. It was hell for weeks, until the evening they turned on Ed's dyspraxic friend, and gave her enough of a push 'to hurry her up' on the bus stairs that she fell down the last six steps. ED, the shortest kid in the school, turned around and punched the ringleader in the face. School got involved. I was never called in but had pulled her out of school the next day and called to let them know why so they didn't have to call and tell me.
result: ED and her friend were told to sit downstairs on the bus, her form tutor high-fived her on the corridor and she has had a full year of bully free schooling as these girls never approached her again. Five years of misery erased in a single punch.
I don't know if she had lashed out five years earlier that it would have been the ultimate solution it has been, but I wish I'd been able to tell her it would have been OK.