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Original poster

Emotional affair

119 replies

sadandgutted · 01/09/2014 22:16

I found he was chatting to an ex of over 20 years ago about this time last year... she came across him online "by chance." I couldn't believe the filth they'd been talking about it made me feel totally inadequate. He even drove 200 miles to meet her for coffee and back the same day. When I challenged him he swore that nothing had happened.

I told him to stop speaking to her or it was over. He said he had and I've been trying to rebuild my shattered trust. I've just discovered he hasn't. He forgot to log out of his FB earlier. My son went on and she thought it was my husband online!!!

She's single with nothing to lose. I feel so fucking powerless to stop this.

Who else has had this and how do you deal with these bitches who tell your partner that an online relationship is not cheating. I've just read that - I really did.

It is and I am so fucking angry again I could kill them both for this.

OP posts:
PersonOfInterest · 01/09/2014 22:19

this I told him to stop speaking to her or it was over
sorry Thanks

justmuddlingalong · 01/09/2014 22:21

She's single with nothing to lose. You told him it was over if he didn't cut contact. He knew what he would lose, but carried on regardless. Your gripe is with him.

pinkdelight · 01/09/2014 22:21

Sounds awful, so sorry. You may get better advice and support in Relationships. Lots of help in there.

HoldenMcGroin · 01/09/2014 22:23

Sorry to hear this

Now, you drew your line in the sand and he's jumped right over it

What next? You've told him it would be over. Do you feel able to gather your evidence (screenshot, email to yourself etc) before you act?

Tell someone in RL, too

PersonOfInterest · 01/09/2014 22:26

and what just said. Your gripe is with him not her. He's the one that's breached your trust.

HoldenMcGroin · 01/09/2014 22:26

Agree, you have to direct your anger at your husband, not at the woman

Your husband told himself that this was an ok thing to do, he didn't need permission from anyone other than himself

ErmagerdANerknerm · 01/09/2014 22:27

You aren't powerless to stop this at all. You know what it takes to stop this, and it doesn't start with blaming her. She isn't the one married with children.

Pack his shit and let him go to her if that's what they both want. You know you deserve so much more.

Flowers
ICanSeeTheSun · 01/09/2014 22:28

How devastating, what is your next step.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Thanks

Janethegirl · 01/09/2014 22:41

I'm sorry I can't give you much advice, but if he's taking the piss (and he seems to be) you must tell him it's got to stop or he's out. And stick to it. He seems to be mates and have a wife( it may be an ok relationship but I wouldn't bank on it ...,I'm a suspicious old cow).

BingoBonkers · 01/09/2014 22:46

If it were me and I'd asked him to stop and he didn't then I would have to show him the door. No point making empty threats.

I'm so sorry. I understand why you'd be concentrating on her being as she accidentally found your husband online but he hasn't respected your wishes or you.

magoria · 01/09/2014 22:53

You can't stop it.

You can call her all the names and rant about her all you want.

Simple fact is your H chose to chat to this woman. He chose to do this knowing that you objected and you had said you would leave him if he did so again.

He either doesn't believe you will really go through with leaving him (which to be honest sounds like it from your post).

Or

He doesn't actually give a fuck if you leave him.

He has lied to you. He has spent time chatting filth to her and then come to your bed. Hugged you? Kissed you? More? All the time knowing he was lying through his teeth and still chatting to her.

That is the level of respect he has for you and your marriage.

I also don't know anyone who would travel that far just for a cuppa.

I suggest you consider an STI test.

TattyDevine · 02/09/2014 02:08

Don't try and control him or call the shots. But don't be with him either if you wish to do so.

Either way its not you being unreasonable.

TattyDevine · 02/09/2014 02:10

I think what I am trying to say is that with a partner you shouldn't have to worry. If you do worry (whatever it is you are worrying about and is an issue to you that he knows is an issue) then there is a problem, Houston.

Bulbasaur · 02/09/2014 05:05

Who else has had this and how do you deal with these bitches who tell your partner that an online relationship is not cheating.

Why is what she told him important? Can he not think for himself?

She's wrong to be going after a married man, but she's not the one that's cheating. Your husband is. You need to take it up with him and let him know that you're not left overs or second choice.

however · 02/09/2014 07:16

I'd have enough anger for the both of them. I'm generous like that.

Telling her exactly what you think of her doesn't preclude you from kicking him to the kerb, does it?

So, in short, I'd let rip at the both of them, then regroup and think about what I really wanted to do with my life and whether the relationship was worth saving.

ElisaGirl · 02/09/2014 09:29

I'm so sorry, you must be feeling terrible Thanks

I totally and completely understand your anger at her and think it's a natural reaction. I've been in your shoes and have never felt such hatred as i did for the other woman back then. I think this boils down to the way we relate to women and men subconsciously - you know, the whole 'men are from mars, women are from venus' thing. We don't expect women to willingly mess around because it isn't something we (or at least most of us) would consider doing ourselves.

It's ok to feel anger, that's normal, just let yourself calm down and try (I know it's hard) to think about what you really want for you and your family, and whether this, in your opinion, is a deal-breaker. You need to call him out on his behaviour and demand the truth - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide/do what you need to do.

Peppa87 · 02/09/2014 09:39

Some people are thoughtless arseholes, being single is no excuse for getting involved with somebody in a relationship, emotional or physical.

You need to ask him straight, you or her, and it ends there one way or another.

It will torture you otherwise.

Hope you get this sorted. X

AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 09:41

Of course you can stop this. You can stop your own involvement in this 3-way relationship, which is of course the only part you can control

Make good your ultimatum, or his respect for you will nosedive even further. Never make promises you can't keep. I say this applies to your "partner" and you

Ticktockblock · 02/09/2014 09:51

Why are you angry with her? It's your husband that's cheating on you. I'd leave the selfish wanker. How old is your son? I hope he isn't old enough to understand their messages.

Original poster
sadandgutted · 02/09/2014 16:46

He doesn't know I know yet. I've told my son to keep quiet about this.

Now I've been able to see her FB profile I know where she works. And what she was up to on her computer or maybe her phone for much of yesterday when she was supposed to be working. She told him she was bored and made a racist remark about her supervisor at one point, before talking about anal sex with my husband.

My 12 year old son saw this.

I've cut and pasted the whole thread and sent it to the company email address, and made a complaint

My boy isn't my husband's child. We're renting and it's his name on the lease. I think he can throw us out.

We're packed and I am going to my mother's. I don't want to be here when he finds out what I've done.

OP posts:
womblesofwestminster · 02/09/2014 16:55

Well done OP. When is DH getting home?

AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 17:08

Blimey, the shit is going to hit the fan now.

Not your problem though. As long as you never, ever go back to him.

sillystring · 02/09/2014 17:13

Wow, you really stuck it to her. Can't say I blame you though. That'll "learn her", lol.

Pippin8 · 02/09/2014 17:19

FWIW, you have done the right thing, you may as well go out with a bang, you & your son deserve so much better.

What a vile situation to be in & what a selfish shit of a man. I hope you're both as ok as you can be.

badbaldingballerina123 · 02/09/2014 18:05

Good on you , I'd have done the same.