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Original poster

Emotional affair

119 replies

sadandgutted · 01/09/2014 22:16

I found he was chatting to an ex of over 20 years ago about this time last year... she came across him online "by chance." I couldn't believe the filth they'd been talking about it made me feel totally inadequate. He even drove 200 miles to meet her for coffee and back the same day. When I challenged him he swore that nothing had happened.

I told him to stop speaking to her or it was over. He said he had and I've been trying to rebuild my shattered trust. I've just discovered he hasn't. He forgot to log out of his FB earlier. My son went on and she thought it was my husband online!!!

She's single with nothing to lose. I feel so fucking powerless to stop this.

Who else has had this and how do you deal with these bitches who tell your partner that an online relationship is not cheating. I've just read that - I really did.

It is and I am so fucking angry again I could kill them both for this.

OP posts:
MrsBoldon · 03/09/2014 07:16

It does sound like they were private FB messages but the OP found the womans' company email and sent them there. If this is what happened then the OP might even find herself in trouble. If someone sent private messages about my sex life to my employer I would think about reporting that to the Police. I think if a poster on here said her angry ex sent private sex messages to her boss, people would suggest she speak to the Police. This seems to be a similar situation.

I think you're going to look very bitter and foolish.

He's a tool. Save all your anger for him.

SignYourNameInBrownAndFlame · 03/09/2014 07:30

LittlePeaPod, I agree with your point about wasting company time but the simple fact is, we don't know definitively if the OW was at work or not, so it is only relevant if she definitely was. Which she may have been, but we don't know.

Re the "racist" remark (and to be fair, we only have the OP's not-exactly-unbiased opinion that it was racist); abhorrent though that view might be, if the OW has expressed it only in a private conversation in an unofficial capacity with one other person which is not visible to the wider world, and in her own time (making that assumption) on her own device, then how can you justify a disciplinary? She hasn't brought the company into public disrepute, she hasn't expressed racist views in the workplace itself or on a public platform. Your only knowledge the conversation took place is because a disgruntled wife essentially "hacked" her husband's messages (more or less) and sent them to you. For you to act on that is straying uncomfortably close to restriction of free speech territory.

Anyway, in a nutshell - the OW has been morally dubious, no doubt, and possibly unprofessional. But the OP's husband is the real villain of the piece here.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 07:56

If in her email she is been directly racist against a work colleague then that is unacceptable. Also the fact she holds suh views would impact the way she views other people of differing cultures. Our organisation is a multicutral organisation and regardless or whether its in or out of work we do not take kindly to this.

Clearly if it was just a disgruntled wife with no proof that's a different matter. In this case it looks like the woman sent her views in emails from her account.

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 08:30

Whatever the outcome OP, I bet it felt good doing that.
Get rid of your lying, cheating H; you're better off without that type in your life.

SignYourNameInBrownAndFlame · 03/09/2014 08:46

it looks like the woman sent her views in emails from her account

No it doesn't. It looks like the OW was having a private FB conversation with the OP's husband from her personal FB account, which the OP has copied and pasted into an email which she has then sent to the OW's employer's generic company email address.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 08:48

Exactly from her personal account. Regardless of whether its FB, hotmail, google or whatever. She expressed racist views against a colleague. We don't take kindly to any form of racism in or out of work, full stop.

SignYourNameInBrownAndFlame · 03/09/2014 08:57

Hmmm. You may be on shaky legal ground and leaving yourself open to a number of appeals, LittlePeaPod.

From ukemploymentlaw.com:

"A balance must be struck between an employee's right to private life, which is a basic principle under human rights regulations, and the employer's right to protect its business and reputation as well as its employees.

Employers should only take formal action against employees' use of social networking websites where there are valid concerns about this having a detrimental effect on the business, including any adverse effect on other employees. Legitimate reasons would include serious breach of commercial confidentiality, or where the comments would clearly cause damage to the business's reputation. Finally, employers should only take action that falls within the band of reasonable responses in the circumstances.

So if [the employee's] settings were private or if there was no way of identifying [the] company from the comments, formal disciplinary action or dismissal is likely to be unfair."

Facebook messaging is automatically private; it can't be seen by other Facebook friends/users not party to the conversation at all.

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 09:01

OP says on Page 1 that she can see what OW's been doing on her computer or phone whilst she was supposed to be working - ie in work's time.

So the OW's company might be grateful for this being brought to their attention...

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 09:02

We are the largest organisation of its kind globally with a separate legal and HR team. I will let them worry about the legalities but its contracted that ths sort of behaviour is not tolerated by our organisation. I would e looking to get rid of her.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 09:06

Can I add, you can google and paste what you like but my view on this stands as it always has.

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 09:09

I would not be happy if my employees were conducting their social lives via Fb whilst on work's time!
I'm not paying them to use Fb, FGS.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 09:12

Horse I would be very grateful if this was brought to my attention. I really don't take kindly to this kind of behaviour. Male or female!

MrsCumbersnatch · 03/09/2014 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BingoBonkers · 03/09/2014 09:51

OP did you send a similar email to your husband's employer?

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 10:22

Surely that would be the thing to do only if OP's husband was communicating with OW on Fb in work's time Bingo?

From the OP, it's not clear if that was the case.

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 10:26

Sorry, I meant if the husband was on Fb in his work's time.

badbaldingballerina123 · 03/09/2014 10:26

If posting revenge porn on line isn't a crime , forwarding a conversation definitely isn't. The police won't give a toss and she will look stupid if she complained. There's nothing illegal about what she's done. On American sites it's standard advise to expose cheating in this way and many people do. Considering the bomb that's just been dropped into the Op life I don't think she's going to lose much sleep over the ow employment issues. As most people agree , these women owe each other nothing.

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2014 10:29

Really? Sacking people for sending personal messages on work time?

So you lot all leave your phones at home then, and never text, MN, ebay or FB at all during work hours?

I don't believe that for a minute.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 10:33

It's sacking someone for saying racist comments about a colleague and disciplining for spending a lot of time on none work related personal emails. We don't pay people a shit load of money so they can spend the day tossing it off.

Actually when not on ML I don't have time to be sending personal emails or posting on MN/FB because I have a lot of work to do.

Horsemad · 03/09/2014 10:49

Morris it is in my contract that I'm not allowed to use company computers for surfing the 'net at all. All mobile phones have to be on silent and out of sight and I'm not allowed to mention my work place by name on social media.

Last year we had an employee who had their own business receiving enquiries about their business on their mobile at work, cheeky sod!

womblesofwestminster · 03/09/2014 15:37

Come back OP!! WE LOVE YOU

Original poster
sadandgutted · 03/09/2014 17:37

When I found out about these chats I made it perfectly clear a year ago to my husband I thought they were fucking disrespectful to me. We come from the same town where this woman still lives, and all went to the same school. I found out about the trip to see her for "coffee" because an old friend saw him with her, and let me know. I did a bit of digging on the computer and found what he'd been up and confronted him.

I also replied to one of her emails and could not have made myself clearer to her that I wanted her to stop having sex chats with my husband, and to leave him alone. She apologised for god's sake and promised there would be no more.

This time calling her supervisor a black C**T is racist and ignorant there's no doubt about that. She was at work I knew that from what else she said. Chat about anal sex and my husband's comments that he'd love to try it but won't agree (true I find the thought abhorrent) show no love or loyalty whatever.

Anyway my soon to be ex husband came home last night and found I'd gone and came round to my mum's - where he knew I'd be. I had to let him take the kids that were his (I've two stepchildren and wouldn't have left them alone) but I wouldn't go home with him.

He doesn't want me back to be his wife... he's stuck for childcare for his two from his previous marriage but that's his problem now. (First wife is dead.) I'm not going back - it's over.

He messaged me at lunchtime saying that his sex chat partner was dismissed for gross misconduct this morning and called me a vindictive c**t. Maybe I am but that message at least shows he doesn't really love me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 17:40

That's one way to end a marriage. Gotta hand it to you Thanks

womblesofwestminster · 03/09/2014 17:44

He doesn't want me back to be his wife

Did he say this? Either way, he's a cock.

Have you heard back from her employer?

Was she using her work email to chat to your DH?

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 17:47

Congratulations, you will be better off Op. [tanks] Like I said above I would have sacked her for Gross Misconduct too.