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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional affair

119 replies

sadandgutted · 01/09/2014 22:16

I found he was chatting to an ex of over 20 years ago about this time last year... she came across him online "by chance." I couldn't believe the filth they'd been talking about it made me feel totally inadequate. He even drove 200 miles to meet her for coffee and back the same day. When I challenged him he swore that nothing had happened.

I told him to stop speaking to her or it was over. He said he had and I've been trying to rebuild my shattered trust. I've just discovered he hasn't. He forgot to log out of his FB earlier. My son went on and she thought it was my husband online!!!

She's single with nothing to lose. I feel so fucking powerless to stop this.

Who else has had this and how do you deal with these bitches who tell your partner that an online relationship is not cheating. I've just read that - I really did.

It is and I am so fucking angry again I could kill them both for this.

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 02/09/2014 21:15

Red faced

Beebopaloolah · 02/09/2014 21:38

I am impressed Op!!!!

HumblePieMonster · 02/09/2014 21:41

I cannot believe that all of you saying she shouldn't be angry with the other woman wouldn't want to kill her (not literally) if it were you in that situation
Not claiming I'm any better than the rest! I'd probably be livid.
I think that instinct and socialisation make us blame the other woman. Its unhealthy, unhelpful and distracts us from the main issue.
We should give it up.

Peppa87 · 02/09/2014 21:41

Well done!
Stupid people who can't keep out of other peoples relationships piss me off as much as the person doing the cheating.
They deserve each other, you get to your mums and cut him out of your life, you will feel much better in time :)

AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 21:43

I hope OP is ok and not copping any serious RL flak right now.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/09/2014 21:44

I think you did great, op.

Its something I always try to explain to my kids: Consequences.

I hope you are ok with your mum.

Peppa87 · 02/09/2014 21:46

P.s. I would have thought it a little harsh regarding forwarding the email, but considering it was a racist remark, I hope she gets what she deserves.

badbaldingballerina123 · 02/09/2014 21:48

I really don't understand the attitude suggesting people should sit back like a chump as far as affairs are concerned. Just a quick scan of aibu shows you how angry people become when they feel someone has took the piss. People rant and rave about the most minor incidents and are usually encouraged to stand up for themselves. It's not reasonable that someone is encouraged to confront the annoying in law / cheeky neighbour ect , but they're expected to not react when someone is interfering in your marriage upsetting you and upsetting your kids. There's nothing like loss of home , loss of finances , loss of children. Fuck that. Why should they get away with it ?

I also don't go for this guff that the ow doesn't owe you anything on the basis they're not married to you and didn't promise anything. Using that logic the Op really doesn't owe the ow anything either so I don't see why the Op has been told she's gone too far.

wannabestressfree · 02/09/2014 21:50

well done if only for your sons sake.........

empathetic · 02/09/2014 22:05

I don't think the OP has accused her husband of shagging. She accuses him of driving a long way for a cup of coffee, which he then lied about, and inappropriate online chats. Maybe it has gone further, maybe not. Obv, whichever it is, he has abused her trust as she asked him not to and he continued. Not sure that the same can be said of the "OW" who might indeed think that online chatting is not cheating.

FinnsMum19 · 02/09/2014 22:06

I cannot for the life of me understand why some of you are acting like the OW is blameless! She may be single, but she is perusing a married man! What sort of woman does that? I'd be fucking livid too OP and well done for sending the email, I hope she gets sacked for the racist comment alone.

I hope you've packed up and gone, you don't need to get angry at DH, you've done that. The biggest punishment for him will be losing you and your son, whether he realises that now or in a years time. Sending you hugs x

PistolWhipped · 02/09/2014 22:07

He shagged her. No doubt about it. OP, you have done brilliantly and I am sorry you are having to deal with this awful, horrid situation. What a rotter Sad

empathetic · 02/09/2014 22:11

TBH I am a tiny bit uneasy about the OP dictating who her DH can and cannot talk to.

If a man told his DW to "stop speaking" to someone "or it's over", we might all view it as rather controlling.

To then accuse this woman of being a home wrecker and pursuing a married man on the basis of some chatting (however distasteful the subject matter) seems a far fetched leap.

I am a teensy bit sceptical about the racist comment too. Sorry, OP, if it clearly was but I suspect that you might be leaping on anything this woman says as you are so (understandably) emotional to find your DH has been going against your instructions.

OP, if YOU are not happy in YOUR marriage, then make plans for a graceful exit. Try not to take others down with you as it won't be good for your own self esteem and future. Think hard about what YOU want.

AliceLidl · 02/09/2014 22:25

I'm so sorry OP, that must have been really hurtful for you.

I've got to say, I don't believe he made a 400 mile round trip for coffee.

I think it's natural that you would be angry at and lashing out at both of them to be honest. Yes he's the one who has breached your trust but I don't think many people in this situation could calmly say the other woman had no part in it and bear her no ill will.

Not when the shock and hurt of discovery are still so raw.

About your email, well for the racist remark alone I think you did the right thing. If you had posted on here to say "My DP's colleague sent him a message on Facebook, I saw it and they have made a racist remark about a coworker, what should I do?" you would have had a thread full of people telling you to copy it and report her immediately.

I'm not sure why the fact that your DP has been involved in some sort of affair with her would make reporting her less acceptable rather than more so. Perhaps because it seems more like revenge than doing the right thing. I would have done the same as you though, revenge or not.

I'm not sure if you have left for good or just gone to spend the night at your mothers, but if you have left then your DP isn't getting away with anything while you punish the other woman. And I'm sure you will be telling everybody why you have left. I don't know what else might come of this but good for you for getting this far. I hope you are alright now and safe at your mother's house with your son. Flowers

AliceLidl · 02/09/2014 22:37

I disagree that the OP telling her DP to stop speaking to this woman is controlling in these circumstances.

She found messages that she describes as 'filth' and says made her feel completely inadequate. And he drove 200 miles for to meet this woman and I am sorry but nobody does that for a casual acquaintance they once dated 20 years ago.

It's a little more than a bit of jealousy over him speaking to any women at all and I think she had a genuinely good reason for asking him to stop and warning him of the consequences if he continued.

It wasn't just a chat about the weather they were having. And these kind of messages can wreak lives and marriages. I can't believe anyone carrying on this kind of chatting doesn't really know that, be they the person in the relationship or a single person just having fun. They can kid themselves that nobody will find out or get hurt, but they know it's not true, and they both have to take responsibility for that.

badbaldingballerina123 · 02/09/2014 22:53

Empathic , if a man came on here saying his wife was having secret talks about being fucked up the arse , and meeting up with him in secret NOBODY would say he was being rather controlling. Not one fucking person would. Because it's a stupid provocative thing to say.

LindyHemming · 02/09/2014 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 02/09/2014 23:37

OP, I hope you are ok. It might be a good idea to ask for this thread to be moved to relationships.

If you asked him not to contact this woman and he lied and carried on then YANBU. Forwarding the conversation to her firm may have been a mistake, but what's done is done.

Concentrate on yourself now and your DS.

BingoBonkers · 02/09/2014 23:44

If the OW company IT protocols are decent then her little inappropriate email conversation will certainly be picked up and she will be facing a disciplinary.

OP was the OW emailing your husband's work email or a private one?

I also hope you have left him for good. Trust once broken is very difficult to get back.

badbaldingballerina123 · 02/09/2014 23:53

I think you've handled it brilliantly Op.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 03/09/2014 00:46

How are you doing Op, well done, the cow needs a lesson, perhaps we could post the thread on her facebook page.

DrCoconut · 03/09/2014 01:05

He's probably told her you are controlling/don't understand him/have let yourself go/are not interested in sex/are domestically deficient in some way. All the usual predictable crap. She has let herself believe it because she wants it to be true, even though she must have an inkling that it is not. What a mess, you are well off out of it. When it happened to me I found out where the OW DH worked (through the conversation I found) and his name. The temptation to print off the chit chat and send it was strong but in the end I didn't. He found out anyway but I don't know how much he knows. Hopefully I won't ever hear from either of them ever again. DH knows it is his last chance and I mean it.

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 06:20

Not sure that the same can be said of the "OW" who might indeed think that online chatting is not cheating.

I am unsure about this. If you are flirting, talking about having anal sex and arranging to meet a MM or someone in a relationship you know that's well beyond innocent banter. There are situations where one person innocently doesn't realise that the other person wants more most stop what's going on as soon as they realise. I struggle to believe this is the case in this situation.

Personally, if this woman was in my team. Based on the racist comment and inappropriate use of company time, I would be trying to dismiss her under our Gross Misconduct policy. I would want to know if anyone on my team was taking this much of a piss out of company any time!

Op I wouldn't lose sleep over sending the email to her work. I really hope you are as well as can be under the circumstances.

SignYourNameInBrownAndFlame · 03/09/2014 06:48

Hang on a minute. The OP doesn't actually say the messages were from the OW's work email. From her first post, the messages appear to be private Facebook messages (son logged into Facebook). OP found the OW's employer on her profile and sent the messages to the "company" email, so presumably a generic "contact us" email address she looked up. Do we even know the OW was at work when the last lot of messages were sent? She may have been on a day off.

I'm not suggesting she's a shining blameless angel - she's allowed herself to be deluded at best and been actively complicit at worst - but I think the OP has massively fucked up here. She may have dragged a purely personal thing into the OW's workplace when she should have been focussing on the sleazy actions of her husband and taking out her wrath on him.

OP, I'm sorry you've been so hurt and I hope you can build a fresh life for you and your son, but I don't think you've handled this well at all. :(

LittlePeaPod · 03/09/2014 07:10

If she wasn't doing it in work time fine. But, she was still sending racist comments about her supervisor/colleague. This is not the sort of person we would want working in our organistation. That alone is a case for dismissal in my opinion. I would still want to know if I had a racist working on my team. I would also look on it even worse if I found that the person in question had been logging onto FB in worktime if this is the case she is still taking the piss out of company time and should be disciplined for it.

If an email complaint like this came through our generic email system it would be sent straight to HR who would likely contacting the department head or division director. And in my case if something like this landed on my desk, I wouldn't look on it kindly.

My comment regarding wasting company time apply to her DH too. If he was on my team I would want to know if he was taking the piss out of company time.