To feel aggrieved and hard done by?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

DP and I are both female and DP is black and I am white. We are broke at the moment and so I haven't bothered going to the hairdresser for nearly a year- I see it as an unnecessary expense even though my hair is so awful I can't wear it down any more. However, as DP is black, she has to go to the hairdresser regularly- it's unavoidable unless she just wears her hair in an Afro. It takes ages. She is there now while I am at home working- I've taken on an additional job marking exams (am a teacher) to bring in some money.

Now I know it's really unfair of me but it makes me feel unreasonably angry! I feel annoyed that she's spending money on something that I don't, when we have so little. I feel annoyed that she just swans off and leaves me alone for hours without notice. We need some shopping which she said she'd get while I did my marking, but she isn't answering the phone and I don't know when she'll be back with it so can't start thinking about dinner. AIBU?

You are BU about the hair as it is different for afro hair.

I sense, however, this is not about the hair, but you feel you put more (financially and consideration wise) into the relationship than your DP.

I recommend you think about what is really upsetting you and having a conversation about it.

Has she actually said you can't go to the hairdressers?

Hmm... sounds like it's more than the issue about the hair tbh.
Is everything else okay?

No, I see why she has to go to the hairdressers and I don't HAVE to so I don't go. I'm not aggrieved about her going exactly... More that the situation makes me feel aggrieved, while simultaneously knowing that it's unreasonable!

Well... we are broke because she lost her job through something that was sort of her fault, although it was dealt with badly by her boss. Can't say more than that but it does rankle a bit. She also smokes, which costs at least £40 a week. When she gets temporary work and gets paid, she also has a habit of buying really unnecessary stuff- like a new blender, which I started a thread about I think- instead of putting it into the budget. So I guess it isn't just about the hair!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, actually. If your hair is so bad you can't leave it loose (I'm not saying it is, I'm only going off your post) then a visit to the hairdresser is essential, or on a par with your DP's need anyway.

Yes but whynow I still wouldn't go. In fact, I couldn't, because we wouldn't have enough money left for the rest of the month if I did.

Well, wouldn't is a personal choice, couldn't is different :) I know I personally would rather go without food than forgo my monthly hairdresser trip but I wouldn't expect DH and the children to.

Do you have a joint account?

If you aren't compatible with budgets and spending it opens a whole crevice of problems for the future.

Why are you broke?

as in any relationship you need to talk about your joint finances & budget, agree any major spends (not just buy things on a whim) and each partner should get an equal share of spending money. where one partner smokes and the other doesn't this is going to be a considerable bone of contention - ie is the smoking a budgeted necessity, or a personal extra out of their spending money.

Are things really so tight that you could not afford a trip to the hairdresser for a general tidy up, or get a mobile one to come to you (cheaper) to make you feel a bit better?
How long have you been together? are you otherwise well suited and happy?

No we don't have a joint account. Our normal arrangement is that I pay rent and food shopping and DP pays bills and car, then we both pay for other stuff as and when. Since DP lost her job I have been transferring money into her account to cover the bills and car payments.

Do you have DCs , Polly? Are you working full time as a teacher? I am a little surprised that on a teacher's salary you are so hard up. Maybe your housing costs are very high though.

I understand your resentment, especially about the smoking.

Hermione see my post- DP lost her job.

I spend money on haircuts and my partner doesn't. we can afford it but it takes away from something else. I feel grateful for it and a bit guilty. but I do need haircuts and I don't like the cheapest type. so we call it required expenditure (not literally as we are not that geeky).

it sounds like you are not agreed on your required expenditure?

Well we are not hard up perhaps- but we had two salaries and now we have one, so our lifestyle has had to change a lot. And we don't have DCs at home but we do support DP's DD who is at uni.

how frequently does your DP get her hair done? Could she increase the interval by a week or 2? That would make a bit of a difference.

you need to talk to her not seethe to us

It appears you are annoyed she lost her job through her own fault and now you have to support you both, whilst you feel she spends more than her fair share of money.
You think that, were the situations reversed, you would spend significantly less until you had got a new job.
Do you think she is putting enough effort into getting a new job?

The continued smoking at your expense would annoy me more.

We have a budget of £150 a week to cover weekly food, my travel to and from work, and any additional extras, invluding DP's cigarettes. i know many people have less, but after spending £50 on the weekly shop and £40 on travel, if I then had a haircut at £40+, she would have to smoke half as much as she usually does, which isn't possible, and we would have nothing extra, so no treats at all. We have already cut right down on going out. I do know this isn't the breadline, but it's tough after having more than enough.

If you both have a reasonably equal amount of spending money and both take financial responsbility for general household expenses I can't see the problem that she spends a lot on her hair. That's obviously inportant to her. But on the other hand if you are having to penny pinch whilst she spends quite a lot on her hair I can see why you are annoyed. It's a difficult one.

She is putting effort into getting a new job but I think I am more annoyed about the budget issue- she will not discuss money in specifics. For example, when she has had temporary work, I don't even know how much she has earned. I just know she has been paid because she randomly starts offering to pay for stuff, or coming home with 'treats', whereas I would prefer to know how much extra and budget from there.

I feel like the hair is only a small part of the issue, but could you keep an eye out for hairdressers looking for models? I used to do this all the time and it was a very cheap way of getting a haircut - it just took slightly longer. I believe colleges also sometimes need models to practice on.

I just think she would find it really hard to cut down suddenly to that extent, especially as she is stressed.