To feel aggrieved and hard done by?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

DP and I are both female and DP is black and I am white. We are broke at the moment and so I haven't bothered going to the hairdresser for nearly a year- I see it as an unnecessary expense even though my hair is so awful I can't wear it down any more. However, as DP is black, she has to go to the hairdresser regularly- it's unavoidable unless she just wears her hair in an Afro. It takes ages. She is there now while I am at home working- I've taken on an additional job marking exams (am a teacher) to bring in some money.

Now I know it's really unfair of me but it makes me feel unreasonably angry! I feel annoyed that she's spending money on something that I don't, when we have so little. I feel annoyed that she just swans off and leaves me alone for hours without notice. We need some shopping which she said she'd get while I did my marking, but she isn't answering the phone and I don't know when she'll be back with it so can't start thinking about dinner. AIBU?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Update: when I got in last night DP had ironed my skirt (yay) but had decided against applying for the job (boo).

[naturalbaby]

Get the ironing board out when you've finished your marking. Tell her you'll help her when you've finished what you need to do. She can do an application on her own and if you have time at the end of your evening then you could help her check it.

Do you have a regular time every few days/once a week to go over things? It's the only thing that keeps my family going - once a week to go over the calender and finances and check in with each other. Insist that she agrees to sit down for at least 1hr this week to go over finances and remind her that things are getting pretty desperate so it's a priority.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Simple - when you get home tonight you do your marking, then you get the ironing board out and do your skirt.

If you have any time left over and you still feel up to it you help her with her job application.

If she is applying own oxygen mask first, then so should you. People will take as much as you give. Stop giving.

[noblegiraffe]

Stop martyring yourself for her. You keep making excuses about how she couldn't possibly not get her hair cut or cut down on smoking or pay for the car instead of a blender like she should be doing.

Stop the automatic transfer into her bank account to cover her expenses. Especially now she has a job. If she doesn't have your money going in then she can't spend her money on fripperies while you sit in penury.

[Clobbered]

FFS. Stop being such a bloody doormat. You are letting her walk all over you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? She can't even help you with one tiny request?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I leave the house earlier and come home later- surely she could find the time? It's not as though I'm asking her to do a pile!

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

FFS. There was no chat as I got in at 7, had marking to do and didn't have the energy. But have set off got work this morning in a rage. Tonight's plan is more marking, plus helping DP with am application for a job. Since I never get in before 6, that's a busy evening, bearing in mind that the job application will take at least 1 hour, maybe closer to 2, and the marking about 1 1/2 hours.

Here is the source of the rage. I asked DP last night if, when she got in from work (she will get in earlier than me due to shorter journey) she could iron a skirt for me for tomorrow. I don't usually bother ironing but it's a cotton skirt and is very crumpled. I literally NEVER ask DP to do this. Her response? "I don't even have the time to iron my own clothes. Can't you make the effort?"
GRRR am so cross. What would she say if I said I didn't have time to help with her application?

[BoyFromTheBigBadCity]

Yadnbu. I agree with the pp who said that haircuts are an essential expense. Fags are not essential. I appreciate the addiction aspect. But you've taken on another job, your partner has temporary work - I think it's time for a proper haircut that will grow out well for you, wicne you have a bit extra right now, and also a proper discussion. Good luck op.

[GarlicJuneBlooms]

Oh dear, Polly, poor you!

It's a bit worrying that DP's fibbing & fudging about the contributions she makes. We can hope that this is more from embarrassment than manipulation - in which case, having steady work for a while might help her feel & act more like a grown-up!

You can't accept a 'parent' type role with your partner; that way madness lies. While I'm not feeling too hopeful she will prove able to take care of things herself - and of you, should you need it! - I do hope your talk reaches a definite agreement of some sort. Best of luck.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

PS I think the stress of it all is getting to me a bit though. Started crying on bus to work yesterday morning for no reason :( I'm hopeful that the new job wil be an opportunity for a proper chat, but crossing fingers that it won't end up in an argument.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Update. DP and I talked and she claimed that she had told me how much she was earning (she hadn't) and protested that she had been paying for stuff (she had, but not in an organised way). Unfortunately the talk came out of an argument which ensued because we ran out of gas (we have a prepayment meter) and I got pissed off because she is meant to sort gas and electric. It also wasn't very satisfactory, as we still didn't really end up with an agreement about budgeting.

On the plus side, DP has got a job for the next 5 weeks which started yesterday :) so tonight I am going to sit her down and have a proper chat about budgeting. Wish me luck!

[Iswallowedawatermelon]

Op this is so confusing to me

You are not broke, simply wasting money on non-essentials (cigarettes and dsd- who doesn't need £200 a month- talk to her and cut this right back).

I understand how dp may need frequent hairdressing costs, but these are important if she is still needing to look presentable for job interviews etc. But you also need to keep up your own grooming for your professional role (maybe a haircut every 3 months?)

We are skint at the moment but haircuts are part of an essential outgoing expense. Dh gets his cut every 2 months (I have tried to cut it myself but I looks terrible so he does need to pay for this. I stretch myself out to 3-4 months (am pregant at the moment so have been able to make it to 4 months easily). We have to look presentable for self-esteem/mental health and for our work. But then again we have no money for luxuries such as smoking , at the moment second hand clothing are a 'luxury' to us.

So my advise would be to tell dsd that next month she will be getting £100 until dp has resumed employment. (If your money troubles are ongoing be open to cutting this back further as dsd is an adult and really doesn't need to be propped up by you)

Has dp considered other hair care options? Cheaper style, hairdresser, DIY options? She needs to take some responsibility for this and find the second best alternative if at all possible.

Go and book yourself a good hair cut for next week, dps cigarettes will need to stretch to last longer than usual

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Food for thought here- thanks everyone. Bit tired now but will write more in morning.

[whois]

She's a cock lodger. Lost her job and won't cut back on haircuts or fags, won't discuss money, spends any she for warm on herself not the partnership AND you support her uni age DD?

Yeah sounds wicked.

Suggest you live apart for some space tbh and see how things pan out. At the moment she's just using you.

If you really want to stay with her, just give her £30 or whatever amount you could BOTH have each week as 'spends' and you take charge of food and travel and rent.

[HippyPottyMouth]

Can you learn to do her hair? My friend taught her DP to do hers, and my old boss used to get his sister to do his. I echo previous comments that the hair isn't the real issue though.

[TheFairyCaravan]

My DNiece has Afro hair. She doesn't have to go to the hairdressers all the time because she can't afford it as she is a single parent and by the time she's paid out for child care so she can work and go to college, paid the bills and the rent there isn't the money. She uses specialist shampoo and conditioner and straightens it with GHDs.

Your DP is taking the piss. With your budget of £150 for food, travel and everything else there should be money left. After you've spent the £50 on food and £40 on travel which is essential, you should both have £30 each to do what you want with. If she wants to set hers on fire, let her but give her nothing else.

[ImperialBlether]

Isn't her daughter working over the summer?

[Famzilla]

Wow £200 a month to support an adult through university!?

I'm sorry OP but you are being taken for a bit of a mug. I'm only a few years older than your DSD and worked every hour I possibly could to support myself through university. I didn't get a penny from my family and neither did any of my friends.

Read through your posts, you're scared to talk to your own partner about money. She has manipulated you into feeling guilty.. For what? Taking the piss and only thinking about herself? Fags are never essential, and even if they are she must be smoking a hell of a lot for it to take such a chunk out of your income.

[ImperialBlether]

No, "we" don't - you do.

I couldn't live with someone who spent that much money on cigarettes when she wasn't bringing in any money, £200 was going out on her 19 year old daughter AND her partner couldn't afford to get her hair cut.

Your girlfriend is selfish, OP.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, £200 is a lot of haircuts!

Your DP has lost her job through her own fault and it seems the only person adjusting their spending is you.

[caroldecker]

I asked about the job hunting to understand how you feel - look through the posts and think about what most annoys/upsets you. This can then lead to a discussion and/or a decision.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

To answer a previous question, my DSD is 19. We put £200 in her account every month, so not masses really.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, you are waaaay too nice about this. It's not ok for her to get upset about discussing money when you are funding her and her daughter.

What would she do if she wasn't with you?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Hmmm I know we need to sit down and talk. It's just it will be hard.