To feel aggrieved and hard done by?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

DP and I are both female and DP is black and I am white. We are broke at the moment and so I haven't bothered going to the hairdresser for nearly a year- I see it as an unnecessary expense even though my hair is so awful I can't wear it down any more. However, as DP is black, she has to go to the hairdresser regularly- it's unavoidable unless she just wears her hair in an Afro. It takes ages. She is there now while I am at home working- I've taken on an additional job marking exams (am a teacher) to bring in some money.

Now I know it's really unfair of me but it makes me feel unreasonably angry! I feel annoyed that she's spending money on something that I don't, when we have so little. I feel annoyed that she just swans off and leaves me alone for hours without notice. We need some shopping which she said she'd get while I did my marking, but she isn't answering the phone and I don't know when she'll be back with it so can't start thinking about dinner. AIBU?

[BoyFromTheBigBadCity]

Yadnbu. I agree with the pp who said that haircuts are an essential expense. Fags are not essential. I appreciate the addiction aspect. But you've taken on another job, your partner has temporary work - I think it's time for a proper haircut that will grow out well for you, wicne you have a bit extra right now, and also a proper discussion. Good luck op.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

FFS. There was no chat as I got in at 7, had marking to do and didn't have the energy. But have set off got work this morning in a rage. Tonight's plan is more marking, plus helping DP with am application for a job. Since I never get in before 6, that's a busy evening, bearing in mind that the job application will take at least 1 hour, maybe closer to 2, and the marking about 1 1/2 hours.

Here is the source of the rage. I asked DP last night if, when she got in from work (she will get in earlier than me due to shorter journey) she could iron a skirt for me for tomorrow. I don't usually bother ironing but it's a cotton skirt and is very crumpled. I literally NEVER ask DP to do this. Her response? "I don't even have the time to iron my own clothes. Can't you make the effort?"
GRRR am so cross. What would she say if I said I didn't have time to help with her application?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I leave the house earlier and come home later- surely she could find the time? It's not as though I'm asking her to do a pile!

[Clobbered]

FFS. Stop being such a bloody doormat. You are letting her walk all over you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? She can't even help you with one tiny request?

[noblegiraffe]

Stop martyring yourself for her. You keep making excuses about how she couldn't possibly not get her hair cut or cut down on smoking or pay for the car instead of a blender like she should be doing.

Stop the automatic transfer into her bank account to cover her expenses. Especially now she has a job. If she doesn't have your money going in then she can't spend her money on fripperies while you sit in penury.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Simple - when you get home tonight you do your marking, then you get the ironing board out and do your skirt.

If you have any time left over and you still feel up to it you help her with her job application.

If she is applying own oxygen mask first, then so should you. People will take as much as you give. Stop giving.

[naturalbaby]

Get the ironing board out when you've finished your marking. Tell her you'll help her when you've finished what you need to do. She can do an application on her own and if you have time at the end of your evening then you could help her check it.

Do you have a regular time every few days/once a week to go over things? It's the only thing that keeps my family going - once a week to go over the calender and finances and check in with each other. Insist that she agrees to sit down for at least 1hr this week to go over finances and remind her that things are getting pretty desperate so it's a priority.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Update: when I got in last night DP had ironed my skirt (yay) but had decided against applying for the job (boo).