To feel aggrieved and hard done by?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

DP and I are both female and DP is black and I am white. We are broke at the moment and so I haven't bothered going to the hairdresser for nearly a year- I see it as an unnecessary expense even though my hair is so awful I can't wear it down any more. However, as DP is black, she has to go to the hairdresser regularly- it's unavoidable unless she just wears her hair in an Afro. It takes ages. She is there now while I am at home working- I've taken on an additional job marking exams (am a teacher) to bring in some money.

Now I know it's really unfair of me but it makes me feel unreasonably angry! I feel annoyed that she's spending money on something that I don't, when we have so little. I feel annoyed that she just swans off and leaves me alone for hours without notice. We need some shopping which she said she'd get while I did my marking, but she isn't answering the phone and I don't know when she'll be back with it so can't start thinking about dinner. AIBU?

[GarlicJuneBlooms]

YANBU to feel aggrieved. Feel it as much as you like; it's your emotion and that's that.

The pair of you do seem to have some basic compatibility issues, though. I'd recommend doing a proper sit-down discussion (without bringing emotions to the table) on financial clarity, sharing and priorities. Good luck.

[Lesshastemorespeed]

You should split the £40 (fags) money between you. She can then choose whether to spend her £20 on hair, fags or blenders.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

But you wouldn't have a haircut every week - couldn't you put £5 a week away (1 pack of fags) for your haircut and get one every 8 weeks?

Have you tried looking for a training college where they do reduced rates on cuts and styling?

If she is unaware that it's all an issue then you alone are taking yourself for a mug. You really need to sit down and review the budget again with her. Cigarettes should come from personal expenditure, as should haircuts.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

hair, fags or blenders haha that could be my new username!

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Sit down and review the budget' - we can't do this easily as DP gets upset and walks away. When I try to talk about money, I think she feels embarrassed and takes it as an attack.

[Lesshastemorespeed]

Can you write her a very clear, but nice, letter Including a budget breakdown?

I have a friend who takes this approach with her dp as he tends to take things personally.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Of course she does - I think she's taking the piss tbh. Especially given what you say about her temping and not dealing up the money to put into the pot.

If my DH did this then I would cover the bills, divide the money and say no more about it. Then he could decide on whether to smoke or have an afro.

[MaryWestmacott]

Actually, YANBU - she seems to be taking all of the family 'fun money' - she's "needs" to have her hair done, she "needs" to smoke, she "needs" to buy new appliances for the household.

She doesn't actually need to have her hair done so frequently, it'll look shit if she doesn't, but then she's not working, she doesn't need to look professional unless she's set up some interviews.

She doesn't need to smoke - infact, now she's not actually got work stress to deal with, this might be the perfect time to quit.

Obviously she doesn't want to talk about money, because she knows she's taking the piss. You need to force this conversation.

[paxtecum]

Re smoking: can she not roll her own?
That would save quite a bit.

How much effort is she putting into looking for a job?

[caroldecker]

Have a look at the no smoking threads on vaping - many people are saving significant amounts after moving onto these
doesn't help your immediate problem which is that she is living the life she had whilst working despite not earning and using your money to do so - if she will not talk to you, then you may need to put your foot down - she can't buy anything if you do not give her any money.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I feel bad now- she has been going to interviews and trying to get a job.

[Lesshastemorespeed]

Why do you feel bad?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

The problem is that I'm not completely sure exactly how much money she does actually need. She gave me a breakdown ages ago and I organised the amount I would transfer based on that, plus a little more for spends. So 'not giving her any money' wouldn't work, plus o don't know how much she has from temporary earnings.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I feel bad because people are questioning the amount of effort she puts into getting a job, whereas I think in fact she does put effort into this.

[GarlicJuneBlooms]

I'm an instant-gratification sucker, and a heavily addicted smoker (suspect the two go hand-in-hand.) I can budget, but get really arsey if there's no pocket money at all. Something that's worked for me in the past is cash saving. Watching a jar of cash grow offers more satisfaction than reaching a tidy zero at the end of a month, and gives me a psychological sense of security in that the money's there if needed all of a sudden. I do have mental health issues to blame for my worse behaviours, though.

It's very concerning that DP won't tell you how much she's earned! Can you give us an example of how that conversation would go?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I think she would get quite defensive if I asked how much she had earned.

[YouAreCompletelyRight]

If she were a bloke everyone would be calling her a cocklodger by now.

Get yourself the haircut and tell her there's no money for cigs.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I couldn't do that YouAre. It would make me feel too guilty.

[GarlicJuneBlooms]

Another thing that helps me is labelling things as treats, which I would have bought without thinking when I was better off. Recently I've bought a dress that was reduced from £80 to £10, three packs of fresh peppers that were in Aldi's weekly veg offer, and a £1 eyeshadow. Basically I've moved the bar of 'necessary expenditure' much lower.

[YouAreCompletelyRight]

Why? Her cigs are no more important than the things you need. Weekly hairdressing appointments is a luxury, if you haven't been for eons it becomes a necessity ( though after food and bill obv.)

If she puts her own needs before yours, always, you have an issue.

[DocDaneeka]

I know it isn't the fundamental problem, but colleges are great for free or cheap haircuts.

My local an NVQ level 2 is £3 and a level 3 is £5.

The downside from my pov is I can't get it done on a lunch break because it takes about an hour, as it is a lesson for the trainee, rather than the 15 mins an experienced stylist would take to do my hair.