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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too much to expect from parents?

118 replies

Octopirate · 09/05/2014 23:05

There have been a few discussions on my facebook regarding the child who was lead away by the old man in Derby. As a side issue, a few of my friends were saying things like "if I had children I would never allow them to let go of my hand" and "I would never take my eyes off my child, not for a second". My DS is not mobile yet and I don't have any experience with older children, however AIBU to think that this is just not possible? Surely there are going to be times where your child suddenly lets go of your hand or you have to take your eyes off your child? Obviously parents who show a blatant disregard for thier children's whereabouts is a different matter!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 09/05/2014 23:10

Your friends are distancing themselves, trying to persuade themselves that nothing like this could happen to them because they are 'better' than that mother.
Or they are just stupid.
One of those two things.

Glampinglove · 09/05/2014 23:10

yes it is too much to expect

QuizzicalCat · 09/05/2014 23:12

My dd (2.5) is always attached to me in some way, either in her pushchair, wearing her Little Life backpack, or on a wrist strap. The only time she isn't is places like the park etc when she has my full attention.

If I didn't she'd probably leg it.

I don't think protecting your child from harm, be that a car or a paedophile, is too much work. That's what parents do.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/05/2014 23:12

It's why DS has reins.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2014 23:15

Parents should keep a reasonable eye on their children.
Keeping then away from a road is a tangible risk a d sensible.
Keeping them stuck to your body at all times because there might be a paedophile is ridiculous.
Especially when the paedophile is most likely to be at home.

shakinstevenslovechild · 09/05/2014 23:19

When mine came off reins I got a Mummy I'm Here alarm so if my dc did slip out of sight for a minute I could have set off an alarm to hear where they were. It is really difficult to keep hold of dc at all times, even more so when you have more than one.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/05/2014 23:20

Saw the video earlier and while I personally prefer my DC in front of me where I can see them or attached to me (holding my hand/reins) the little boy isn't that far behind his mother. I don't think its fair to judge her parenting on one cctv clip and I feel very sorry for her. she's had a nasty fright already and as a double whammy loads of people shes never met are ripping into her parenting skills (seen it on my fb too).

cutefluffybunnes · 09/05/2014 23:24

What pagwatch said. You cannot - and should not - keep your children attached to you at all times. And it certainly does not work when subsequent children come along. I'd add to Pag's list that your friends my be over-protective types with only a PFB to watch.

Original poster
Octopirate · 09/05/2014 23:34

I may have to invest in some reins for DS once he is up and about

OP posts:
Freckletoes · 09/05/2014 23:38

We used reins occasionally but the rule for my toddlers was you don't let go of the buggy unless I say. I couldn't have had them behind me out of sight even for a second. Accidents happen right in front of your eyes-so having them out of sight even for a couple of seconds is tempting fate.

Martorana · 09/05/2014 23:39

You do all know that there was a perfectly innocent explanation for that incident, don't you?

The reason James Bulger is a name we all still know is that what happens to him is so incredibly, vanishingly, impossibly uncommon that he is the only person we know it has happened to.

Children are at far more risk from helicoptering and mollycoddling than from random strangers.

CrystalDeCanter · 09/05/2014 23:40

Keeping a good eye on your kids around roads/cars = sensible

Keeping them strapped to you in case a "paedo" will snatch them = mad

hth

justalilmummy · 09/05/2014 23:42

People who make comments like that clearly don't havekids

MojitoMadness · 09/05/2014 23:46

I love the "if"'s in their comments. It's so easy to parent an non existing child than an actual real live one with their own wants, needs and personalities. I had a whole list of things I was going to do with my own, turns out non of it ended up the way I thought it would.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/05/2014 23:48

I dont understand why he led him away from the shop entrance he was clearly standing at.

(1) Stand with the child until a parent returns frantic
(2) Call out "is this your son" to the lady very close by with an empty fucking stroller
(3) Lead child into the shop he is stood at the entrance to under the assumption he has ambled out of

Not take his hand and turn away into a mall

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/05/2014 23:49

Oh and no, I dont keep dd attached to me at all times. Thats mad.

MissBattleaxe · 09/05/2014 23:49

Martorana- what was the perfectly innocent explanation?

ICanSeeTheSun · 09/05/2014 23:52

See this thread is a perfect example.

My dd (2.5) is always attached to me in some way

When mine came off reins I got a Mummy I'm Here alarm so if my dc did slip out of sight for a minute I could have set off an alarm to hear where they were

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2014 00:00

Fucking hell I watched that video earlier and the speed he had the little lad go off with him made me go cold. It really was in the blink of an eye. The poor mum.

Obviously the older they get the easier it is to palm them off let them go off. DD2 is 4 now, and I make her hold my hand when we're out walking, for all the time we're walking. I can't bloody keep up with her if nothing else Grin

I don't think it's OTT to keep a close eye on wherever they are, and that includes what's going on with any adults around them at home or out.

Obviously I wouldn't suffocate/burden my DDs with feeling there's danger around every corner and never to trust anyone, but surely it's part of being a parent for that to be in the back of your mind?

GnomeDePlume · 10/05/2014 00:01

I will never judge.

I remember a tiny incident in a store when DD1 who was four walked ahead of us in the paying queue in a store. She found herself next to a man who took her hand and then let it go. He looked around and caught my eye. He didnt smile at DD or at me.

Perhaps it was nothing. It probably was. But that was fifteen years ago and I havent forgotten.

passmethewineplease · 10/05/2014 00:03

I think it's about balance. DD walks next to ne nicely without hand holding sometimes.

I don't see a problem with that.

On the other hand my aunty found a young girl, around three who looked lost and said she was looking for her mummy, my aunty made her stay in her shop by talking to her and wait to see if mum came back. Said mum did but I'll be honest did not seem overly concerned, she walked off chatting to her friend with the little girl lagging behind, can totally see how that girl got lost.

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2014 00:04

I've just read my post back and I didn't mean for it to sound as though I was putting any blame on the lads mum. I know shit can happen so quickly however close an eye you keep on them.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/05/2014 00:06

There is a line between monitoring your dcs close to you and letting them go off into danger. He was very close to his mother at all times, however some of that was behind her.

However what has shocked me on the comments on the news websites is that even the commenters who think the man was snatching the boy still placed blame solely on the mother.

Abductor apologists.

The person in the wrong is the abductor, irrespectibe of anything else. If I leave my front door unlocked, and it isburgled, the criminal is the burglar. If a woman is raped whilst wearing a mini skirt, its the rapist who is wholly in the wrong.

Whilst every step can be attempted to be taken to keep.oneself, ones children and ones property safe, it is the person with the criminal intentions in mind that is doing the wrong doing.

shakinstevenslovechild · 10/05/2014 00:06

While using my post as an example Ican you missed out the part where I agreed it is very difficult to keep a hold of your child at all times (which is why I used the alarm, alongside the fact I have 4 dc, one of which bolts off at any opportunity) Hmm

The Mother in that clip had her eyes off her child for 2 or 3 seconds, every parent in the world has done that more than once, it is very rare that any of us end up in the news and having our actions scrutinised because of it though.

NobodyLivesHere · 10/05/2014 00:08

The man came forward after the CCTV was released to the media. It turns out he mistook the child for the child of another woman (presumably someone he knew) so was taking the child to who he thought was its mother.

As for holding on to a child every minute, I don't think it's possible. My dd1 disappeared in a second in a hospital when she was 17 months. She was right in front of be by a door then she was gone, it turned out she'd gone to weigh herself in the doctors room next door.
I hate reins.

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