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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is too much to expect from parents?

118 replies

Octopirate · 09/05/2014 23:05

There have been a few discussions on my facebook regarding the child who was lead away by the old man in Derby. As a side issue, a few of my friends were saying things like "if I had children I would never allow them to let go of my hand" and "I would never take my eyes off my child, not for a second". My DS is not mobile yet and I don't have any experience with older children, however AIBU to think that this is just not possible? Surely there are going to be times where your child suddenly lets go of your hand or you have to take your eyes off your child? Obviously parents who show a blatant disregard for thier children's whereabouts is a different matter!

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 10/05/2014 10:03

Reading your post, Pageatch, I am reminded that "sensible" is a very attractive quality.

6789 · 10/05/2014 10:05

Ahahahahaa!

Well at some point they have to grow up and learn some independence, don't they?

Do these people think they're going to be walking four year olds to school on reins ffs?

How can they possibly learn ANY independence if they're given no freedom?

I feel sad for all the 2 yos mentioned on this thread who are never, ever allowed to roam free :( (within reason, of course! next to a busy road? no. In a bloody park? yes!)

Livingwithminecraftaddicts · 10/05/2014 10:08

Who in the name of all things sane appoints these judgers of of other parents and who in their right minds gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about using reins, buggies or whatever. If I am out shopping my dc were on lock down in the buggy. Yes the odd time on a quick errand I let them walk. But seriously how can anyone be expected to pay full attention to their child when you have to give full attention to the trousers you're looking at in Zara. I also used the little back pack reins. My 5 dc often get my full and devoted attention, but sometimes just sometimes I do actually have an agenda of my own and things to do. The dc have to fit in with that. I do not have time to wander aimlessly smiling indulgently at my child stopping to look at anything and everything

OwlCapone · 10/05/2014 10:09

Reins are also useful to prevent a toddler actually hitting the pavement when they fall.

Pagwatch · 10/05/2014 10:12

Why thank you Catfromjapan.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/05/2014 10:13

But yes, OP. yanbu.
They do not appreciate the reality of parenting.

dustarr73 · 10/05/2014 10:15

Do you see the dog reins that you can lengthen id love one of them for my toddler.At least he would be able to keep up with his brothers.[Joke]
I love reins it gives the kids a bit of independence and not stuck in a pram all the time.All the perfect parents it does only take a second you know,turn your back and they are gone.

thecatfromjapan · 10/05/2014 10:15

I have to admit, I read some of the earlier posts and imagined some of the posters in the park, with a bewildered child standing next to them, while they run backwards and forwards sayin: " this is what it's like playing on a swing."
In all honesty, some of it just comes from love and a desire to protect. Where it goes wrong is in casting blame o. Those who make fifferent choices or on those who just happen to be unlucky.
It is also aBad Thing when it inhibits how the children and the adults interact with the world- either because physical or mental fearfulness is taught. Along with learning some quite dodgy ideas about"weird" people.
You know, it is sloppy thinking to worry about paedos when there is a hugely more pressing problem of power And abuse- which Is far more difficult to discuss. Probably because we, as adult eomdn, hsbdn'g got the answers ourselves.

rockybalboa · 10/05/2014 10:16

I have more children than I have hands. That said, I am quite relaxed about letting them go ahead of me as long as I can still see them but I accept that I do need to teach them about not going off with people. I don't think I've ever had the conversation but I ought to. I just feel like I'm buying into some "there are paedos round every corner don't you know" conspiracy by doing so. I shall look at that tricky people link posted above.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/05/2014 10:17

The advice on the site wasn't perfect. I agree.
But it's hard to get right and I think it did go some way to remark on the behaviours of people (yes, who your dcs will know) that it's worth being mindful of.

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 10:22

I don't think it is necessarily the case that they don't have kids! I don't but I know that every most parents take their eyes off their kids and that it only takes a few seconds for something to happen. Also that there are many near misses in any child's life (of harm, not of being abducted) And that 9999 out of 10000 times it will be 'argh where are they?!?! Oh there they are, happily poking about in that dogshit with their toy dinosaur again'

As pagwatch says in her first post. It's as/more likely to be other parents desperately trying to convince themselves that this couldn't happen to them, because thinking about it happening it is too awful so better to think it was because the mother is generally careless but they protect their kids.

bakingaddict · 10/05/2014 10:23

I've 'lost' my DS 3 times and each time it was a heart-pounding few minutes while I successfully managed to re-locate him. The first time was in Next with my DH and PIL, I think each one of us thought he was with the other, the 2nd in Hyde Park and the 3rd in a theme park when he just ran off because he seen a ride he fancied.

I'm a good parent but even good parents can get caught out from time to time and it's a message those sanctimonious people need to remember

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 10:26

I'm the adult that prefers playing with the toddlers to sitting around drinking wine and bitching about work btw. The parents mostly seem grateful.

GreenEyedGoblin · 10/05/2014 10:27

When I watched the video, although as a parent it makes your stomach lurch, I don't think it was 'damning' or an obvious child abduction at all.

I have let my toddlers walk that far away from me. I keep a close eye, but for all intents and purposes they look like they're roaming free. Whilst mum was clearly watching the toddler and calls him into the shop, to anyone else around it may not be immediately obvious that they were together, especially when she walked in just ahead of him.

I have spied toddlers in shopping centres who look 'alone' even when there are a good few people around. I watched one little girl once who was wandering along with a group of people next to her (who were probably watching her...but you can't tell this from behind). When they wandered towards a cafe I really, really thought I was mistaken and she was alone. I started walking over then mum called her.

In this case, I don't think the man even clocked mum. He doesn't keep an eye on mum to check she can't see the 'abduction', he doesn't give her a second look. It does look innocent to me...had he known mum was so close and actually wanted to abduct the kid, surely he would have scooped them up rather than trying to lead them.

Nennypops · 10/05/2014 10:27

My two when shopping always held my hand. I never let them go.

Really? How did you pay for things? Pack your shopping? Examine things you were thinking of buying? Open doors?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2014 10:28

Either you strap young children in a buggy or invest in a wrist strap backpack type thing, especially when out in a busy place

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/05/2014 10:30

A friend's dd was sexually abused by a friend of the family who offered to babysit while friend could get on with other stuff. This friend didn't think for a minute that there was an ulterior motive. It's good to question these things. It doesn't mean all offers of babysitting are suspect but you need to have an open mind.

UriGeller · 10/05/2014 10:35

"You can hold my hand or you can sit in the pram" god I must say this to my 3yo a bazillion times a day. But that's the choice I give him. Nothing else when we are in town.

GreenEyedGoblin · 10/05/2014 10:39

I have 'lost' ds2 too, on a crowded beach last summer when he was 3. I was trying to find a spot with ds2 and dbil, dh had gone back to the car with ds1 to get something.

I said to dbil 'keep your eye on ds1 a sec, i've just got to find the suncream' and started rummaging in my bag. Dbil heared 'i've got my eye on ds2 a sec, can you find the suncream?' and started looking in dh's bag which he had.

20 seconds later I look up, ds2 is nowhere to be seen, there are people everywhere and the sea is only a couple of minutes walk away. We lost him for about 10 minutes and it was the most horrendous, awful experience. I was shouting his name like a banshee and drawing peoples eyes, dh came back and was shouting at me and dbil about how we could be so stupid (out of panic...he did apologise afterwards). A very nice lady tried to calm me down and sent her dh off to find the coastguard to help with the search.

Eventually we came across him playing in a rockpool with a load of other children, completely relaxed and unaware.

With the best intentions though it could happen to anyone. Anyone who doesn't admit this is naiive or has a serious misguided superiority complex.

aprilanne · 10/05/2014 10:46

i will tell you something that happened to me in less than a minute .i was in a big department store in stirling .i looked at some bras and let my three year olds hand go to check some .i turned round and he was gone .after searching i went straight to the till to report him missing .and to be honest they were brilliant .within two minutes the doors to outside and mall were shut .police called .and after we racked all the clothes racks and everywhere .he was under a rack of silk petticoats .when dragged from there he said they feel nice ..the point is it can happen in seconds .so unless she goes everywhere with another adult holding there hands constantly is a bit tricky.

Preciousbane · 10/05/2014 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nennypops · 10/05/2014 11:02

It happened to DH when he took DD2 and DS3 months to a garden centre. He got DD out of the car and told her to wait while he got DS out. DD was a good little girl and not prone to wandering off. When he turned round, however, she had disappeared. After a few horrible minutes he heard a tannoy calling for the parents of a lost little girl and was massively relieved to find her sitting happily with the security people. It turned out that she had followed another family with a number of children into the garden centre and they alerted the staff when they realised they had one child too many.

RandomMess · 10/05/2014 11:03

Pagwatch, I appreciate your point of view but as someone who has AS folk within the family I don't find them weird!!! I have certainly me some weird people that wasn't do to with their social abilities but just somthing that didn't sit right. One of them turned out to be a wife beater and best of all likes to oggle at breastfeeding oh and he thought it was appropriate to make his dc share a bedroom with him and his new partner one his contact weekends - aged 13, 11, 9 when the older 2 really really didn't want to.

TheFairyCaravan · 10/05/2014 11:06

I used reins or a wrist strap when mine were little. It was the only way I could keep hold of them when I was using my crutches. I couldn't have bolted after them if they had run off, so I had no choice.

Why wouldn't I keep two of the most precious people in the world to me as safe as I possibly could?

Pagwatch · 10/05/2014 11:10

I don't really understand your point Random tbh.
I have a son with ASD and whilst I think he is adorable he does do things which sets the worlds weird-o- meter a twitch.

I'm saying that demonising people just because they are outside mainstream is counter productive.

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