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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be intrigued by this indulgent parenting style.

88 replies

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 12:56

Quite a few of the mums I've met through one of dd's activities seem to have a very indulgent style of parenting.
Children are lavished with toys, sweets, clothes, treats, days out etc. The parents aren't loaded but spend a v high proportion of their money on the children.
One of my biggest worries re parenting is raising my children to be spoilt brats but these children don't appear to be spoilt-they are polite, kind and hardworking.
I guess part of it is the fact that they are given a lot of attention as well as material things. They are also still young so I guess things may change as they get older.
I'm not sure I've expressed myself very well but I just wondered if I was being unreasonable, for example not to buy dd sweets or a magazine etc as a matter of course every time we go shopping as these parents do.

OP posts:

Thetallesttower · 28/03/2014 12:59

My husband does, I don't, he's very indulgent, I'm not. I guess it balances out sometimes.

I think it can turn into spoiltness though, and a couple of years ago I did have a chat about ungratefulness with mine as I felt they were heading in that direction. Now they are a bit older (late primary) this seems to be self-correcting and they know mummy isn't going to get them stuff every time they go out, but Daddy is and tailor their request accordingly!

Sparklysilversequins · 28/03/2014 13:00

I've said it before and I will say it again, what we really need on MN is a nice shiny medal emoticon.

That's all I would post here.

christinarossetti · 28/03/2014 13:00

How old are the children?

Imho, ravishing children with treats becomes fat less pleasureable when they start demanding them as their right.

Horses for courses I suppose.

christinarossetti · 28/03/2014 13:01

Ahem, not ravishing obviously

SkipandTink · 28/03/2014 13:02

YANBU, the trouble is, those children will come to expect these things, and if the parents then decide to say no, or financially things get worse and they can't afford random sweets and comics, then they could have tantrums on their hands! I'm sure they will at some point anyway. They can't just keep saying yes, yes yes, a major part of being a parent is saying no, and the kids respecting and accepting this! Mine get comics once in a blue moon, if i happen to have the money and if they've been extra good, and also if its a school holiday so its part of a treat. Days out are as cheap as possible or free, and they never get toys bought for them outside of Christmas and birthdays, they just don't need it! Plus not to mention its very unhealthy to buy sweets every time you pop in a shop! I would be amazed if I saw this a lot as well

drnoitall · 28/03/2014 13:02

IMHO treats are only treats if they happen once in a while.

comicsansisevil · 28/03/2014 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulMaureen · 28/03/2014 13:03

If I had more money then mine would have a lot of days out...that's educational as well as fun.....things...I'm not someone who will buy magazines and comics...they're a rare treat and would be even if I were rich!

sweets we limit as they're shocking for teeth...I don't think it's wrong to spend a lot on the DC if you have it but if you've not got savings then it's silly. Spare cash should be put aside.

NorbertDentressangle · 28/03/2014 13:08

I think you're always going to get parents who will buy their children everything they ask for and take them to everything/everywhere they want to go because its a nice feeling to have happy children and to feel that you can provide for them.

However, what starts as a magazine for a couple of pounds when they're a toddler soon turns into a £400+ iphone when they're a teenager so what happens if the parent then has to say no to them??

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 28/03/2014 13:09

It's all relative, like comic said. It might look a lot to some but isn't to them perhaps.
I was brought up a bit like that. I got comics, sweets or a little treat really quite often. But I wasn't spoiled, and never expected it. I was very polite and well behaved as a child. Super bitch now I'm an adult though.

Original poster

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 13:11

Sparkly silver sequins-I think you've taken my post the wrong way-I'm not saying I'm better than them-far from it-I'm wondering if sometimes I'm being mean for the sake of it and if I should treat mine more.

For example my ds loves soft play-I could afford to take him there at least once a week, it's good exercise etc. but I don't because I see it as a treat (prob because soft play centres were in their infancy when I was younger and strictly for birthdays). I'm wondering if I'm just being mean.

My dd certainly is no better behaved than theirs and probably whines more for treats etc. than theirs do.

OP posts:

Original poster

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 13:12

Children are all under 5 btw

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 28/03/2014 13:14

I don't think you're being mean as such about soft play but I don't really understand what you think you're teaching him by not taking him? It's a great place for them to socialise and as you say get lots of exercise. It's fine if you don't WANT to take him but I don't think your reasoning makes much sense.

HighwayRat · 28/03/2014 13:16

I do this with dd and it was done with me. I was never spoilt and was always grateful for everything recieved. It is possible to spoil without getting spoilt brats

LePetitPrince · 28/03/2014 13:16

LOL at MoreSky's super bitch

I think it does become a habit. I have seen people do this with young children and it doesn't end well as they get past the cute stage and become more demanding.

I was also heading down this path but stopped when they were about 4. As a result, the thing they love most in the world is being given a "pass" on a rare occasion to pick a packet of sweets or a magazine.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/03/2014 13:19

Goodness, giving our children treat, days out? Jeez, how disgraceful!

Seriously, what on earth is wrong in giving children days out? Is it not quality family time - should we just encourage them to sit and veg out in front of the tv for even longer.

I give my DS treats, sweets, gifts etc etc in moderation - what was the point in having a child if I am not going to undulge him sometimes.

Maybe I shall send him up the chimney later, just so he knows his place.

Original poster

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 13:20

Because I want him to see it as a treat when I do take him? But should it necessarily be a treat, any more than going to the local swings (which we do a lot) is a treat? I'm trying I pick apart my reasoning myself!

Highway rat-that's interesting. It teaches them to be generous themselves I suppose.

Honestly-I'm not sneering-genuinely intrigued.

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 28/03/2014 13:22

I don't think it should be forced on him to see it as a treat, he will love it and get super excited about it anyway. I think it's unnecessary.

I take my dc on loads of days out and I don't see it myself as a treat, just what I SHOULD be doing as a parent, exposing them to many experiences and activities.

Artandco · 28/03/2014 13:30

Same as above. Our children go on lots of days out to places, I don't see this as a treat most of the time. Ie to me a visit to a castle/ national park/ museum/ theatre/ restaurant is just part of our daily life. So no I don't think they are lavished there

But actual stuff they have to wait for. Ie ds keeps seeing Easter stuff in the shops, I have told him he will have to wait and see what Easter brings. And if they want a particular book/ toy/ magazine they have to add to Xmas/ birthday list or save with money from grandparents/ pocket money.

The cost isn't an issue. I would happily by them £50 shoes or £100 theatre tickets, but a £2 magazine or 50p chocolate I wouldn't get every time they asked

notso · 28/03/2014 13:31

I think it depends if the parents are just buying treats or the children are asking for treats then the parents buy them.

I like buying my children a small treat, lego minifigures, cake from the bakers, new t-shirt for example if I see something and want to treat them. If they pester and pester for something, I am more likely to tell them to put it on a Christmas, Birthday list or use their own money for it.

We do have lots of days out we have Merlin passes, I see that as a treat for us all though.

During dinner out with some Mums recently we were talking about pupil of the week, three of our children had received it that week different years and one in a different school.
My DS got a hug and a well done for getting it, one Child got to choose sweets on the way home the other child got taken to the cinema with the whole family of 6 and tea out afterwards. We were all a bit at the cinema trip, it seemed a lot for an award that every child in the year gets at least once.

RhondaJean · 28/03/2014 13:33

Are we talking experiences and activities with the kids, or buying them things? There is a big difference.

I have several friends who treated their children like this and have had a rough time with them now they are teenagers. I agree completely with art, its not about the cost.

Original poster

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 13:37

Betty-again, I'm not saying it's wrong at all-and my children get plenty of days out-but I've tended to limit expensive ones -not because we can't afford it necessarily, just 'because'.
I do think I need to be more generous towards them-
Hell, since starting pondering this issue a few weeks ago I've even let them have a turn on the rides outside the supermarket (sometimes!)

Re soft play-I don't mind going-there's a nice one nearby with good coffee-no one is benefitting from me being so puritanical.

OP posts:

TheEponymousGrub · 28/03/2014 13:39

I heard a nice phrase once, which might apply here. Apparently it's not giving that spoils children, it's giving in. So yes, maybe those nice and not-spoilt children are accustomed to receiving lots of stuff, but they are also accustomed to their having to accept their parents' decision in general.

Makes sense??

formerbabe · 28/03/2014 13:43

Can you be indulgent when it comes to days out? Genuine question.
My DC are not spoilt with material possessions but I take them on days out all the time... Museums/zoo/soft play/funfairs etc. I do this for my own sanity (I need to get out of the house!) But also to give them different experiences.

pointythings · 28/03/2014 13:44

I think giving children sweets, magazines etc. every time you go out shopping does send the wrong message. Days out, not so much - they're about education and socialising and getting out in the fresh air. They can be very cheap - day in the local country park, bring a picnic, have a bug hunt = sorted. Theme park or zoo every time = a bit much.

There's also the fact that taking children on days out is fun for me. I work f/t (am off today) and I don't see them as much as I would like.

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