To be intrigued by this indulgent parenting style.

[ihaveadirtydog]

Quite a few of the mums I've met through one of dd's activities seem to have a very indulgent style of parenting.
Children are lavished with toys, sweets, clothes, treats, days out etc. The parents aren't loaded but spend a v high proportion of their money on the children.
One of my biggest worries re parenting is raising my children to be spoilt brats but these children don't appear to be spoilt-they are polite, kind and hardworking.
I guess part of it is the fact that they are given a lot of attention as well as material things. They are also still young so I guess things may change as they get older.
I'm not sure I've expressed myself very well but I just wondered if I was being unreasonable, for example not to buy dd sweets or a magazine etc as a matter of course every time we go shopping as these parents do.

Hi OP, well it's all relative don't you think? I don't think you can spoil children with days out and if I could afford to, I would be taking my DD much more.
I don't know why you are restricting soft play so much, surely if he enjoys it and you can afford it, you could do it more often?
But maybe it comes from my upbringing, my parents were trying to give us as much as they could, but we were rather poor so I remember not ever asking for anything, knowing they would not be able to afford it...
I love spending time with my preschool DD, I know that once she starts school we won't have so much time together so whenever I can, I try to do lots of different things with her, from going to park/library to softplay or toddler groups she enjoys.
When it comes to treats, I do get her small treats, but not every time. Sometimes when she asks for something and I can't or won't get it, I explain the reason and so far never had a tantrum or whinge. We like going to toy shop together for example, but 9 times out of 10 we leave it empty handed, the fun is in looking :-)
When it comes to buying toys, we do get her smaller toys during the year, not only for bdays or christmas. But all within reasonable limit. (depending on current interest...it could be a bucket of plastic dinosaurs or a particular book, nothing too expensive). I think I rather distribute the toys evenly, than overwhelm her for bday with piles of gifts (not saying that This method is right, it just suits us!).
Nothing wrong with treats, Imo. Everyone's different, there is no right/wrong answer here I don't think.

We have a lot of days out. Plenty of time for boring stuff when they are older. I want to enjoy them now while they are young. A lot of these days out are free or cheap though. Picnics at NT places etc.

I don't buy gifts or toiys unless its Xmas birthday and a small toy at Easter instead of an egg. Mine never get comics and cheap throw away type toys. but if they get a great school report and parents evening they may get a small toy of choice.

I would say each to his own though as long gas they seem nice kids. Time will tell

I can't agree that days out and activities are treats - I'm in London and with all the free museums, galleries etc - we're taking advantage of that! But I don't want DD to think that every time we go to a museum she'll get a toy in the shop (we can sometimes be going every week) and I do explain to her about money and affording things. We do treat ourselves to cake and juice when we're out and about, as I don't have those things in the house. I don't think she's spoilt, but who knows??

Yanbu, I think its a bit sad how much some dc are given. We could afford to shower our dc with stuff every week, but we specifically don't. Birthdays, christmas are big treat times. They might get a little something for doing well in a test, or if they've been ill etc. Anything else they buy themselves.

Thank you all for your thoughts.
The soft play was just an example of the way my mind seems to work-it would have been such a rare and wonderful experience for me as a child that I find it hard to see is as a common place activity for my dc! I will take him more though

Wrt to days out-believe me, they don't go without-thinking back over the last couple of months we have gone to 2 farms, several parks, bowling, cinema (just with older dd), roller skating, a few meals out, museum, friends & relatives houses etc. But as others have said I tend not to give them extras-face painting, arcade rides, excessive gift shop spending.

I am happy to give mine basically whatever they want (that is reasonable and I can afford) for example one of them is into shoes, so he gets the trendy nike ones he wanted. He and his twin asked for an ipad mini each for christmas. I was happy to do this even though it could be deemed 'spoiling' them. The thing is, like you said in your op, they aren't spoiled behaviour wise. They are beautifully behaved, nice respectful children. They take care of their things, work extremely hard at school, and are happy to do lots to help around the house if needed. We do also go for a lot of treat type days out and things. My reasoning is that life chucks enough hard stuff our way that's beyond our control, and it's important to enjoy what you can. I certainly wouldn't live beyond our means, and there have been times in the past when I was not in the same financial position and we didn't have as many meals out/treats, but there has never been any expectation from them, or disgruntledness when something isn't possible. My parents (who I'm nc with) were tight/drug using 'orrible bastards, who never got us much and hated going anywhere that took them away from their drugs, which I assume has influenced me

My son gets something every week more or less, be it a magazine, toy, book, craft stuff. But he is not a spoilt brat, and the only thing he ever asks for is the wrestling magazine once a month, the rest of the time I either buy as a surprise or ask if he'd like something whilst we are out. I rarely buy sweets from the shop though, we have a 'goodie' cupboard at home and I refuse to buy sweets from every shop Visit.

I would treat my DD more if I could afford it. I don't think giving is responsible for negative behaviour, but the way in which things are given/requests responded to, can be.

In our family days out aren't really seen as a treat. We go out to the park, swimming, beach or whatever every day. I don't see it as something special, it's just my role as a parent to do things with my child.

I suppose it's not just for DD's benefit though, I grew up on a working farm and would get serious cabin fever if I was cooped up indoors.

As for buying things, we try not to do the whole treat/reward thing. Sometimes I buy her things, sometimes I don't. She generally accepts & forgets "no" quite quickly. That'll probably change as she gets older though!

It probably looks like we spend a fortune on DD, some people make comments as to how many toys and books she has for a toddler. (Which I think is incredibly rude actually, but I smile and nod) It's all hand me downs and bootsale stuff anyways.

When we go and do things, the dc's know that we will be taking a bottle of water, and 'provisions' , as we put it, because buying drinks etc out, means it's too pricey.

I take advantage of sports taster sessions, animal sanctuary open days, and 'exploring walks'with picnics.

It's as much for me as it is for them.I want to get them to be resilient, independent, and open minded, so I want them to have as many experiences as possible.And I love using the dc's as an excuse to do all that fun stuff like wild swimming.

My children are "spoilt" with material things and days out as a family. But dh and I ensure that they have good manners, appreciate what they have and raise them to realise that not everyone is as fortunate so we should give to charity too.
I don't feel guilty about giving my dc things or experiences. Why deny them something you can afford and they will enjoy? It seems a puritanical existence to me. Life is short, why not enjoy it as much as you can?

Mine always had a small amount of pocket money from a the age of 7 or so.
They could spend it on what ever they liked but once it was gone it was gone! They loved making their own decisions but it often meant waiting while they made up their minds for an hour

Rarely bought "stuff" on a weekly basis but had ice cream in the park etc

We had lots of time together and every holiday did a big day out plus lots of swimming ,beach, walks etc
Birthday money saved to spend on hols/at the zoo etc.

Personally, I don't care about labelling things as 'treats' or not.

Today I'm going to be taking my DD to a local farm for lambing. Somebody else may see that as a treat, I see it as fun education for us both. Either way, the result is the same in that we go, we have fun, we learn. That's it.

OP I'm with you I don't get the need to indulge children so very much. I mean don't get me wrong, when I walk past a toy stand I can see how it's done as I see about 10 things and think "DD would love that" and I have to remind myself that she doesn't actually need or want anything new. Buying her more stuff would be for my gratification, not hers.

My SIL is absolutely terrible for this, her girls get everything they ask for for, and it would seem for silly reasons. Her 10yo for example got a £50 play station game because she was spinning round in circles outside her house (don't ask, kids are weird aren't they) and banged into the wall. So they felt bad for her and got her the game. They have a £300 deficit on their electric bill, so I think this isn't just bad parenting but terrible money management, and they aren't setting a very good example. If that was my DD I wouldn't buy her anything I'd say "well that's what happens when you spin in circles." But maybe I'm a meanie

When I was little if I wanted something I had to wait til birthday or Christmas, unless it was something I needed like a new pair of shoes. I think the only ever exception was a bike I got because it was summer and would occupy me for the holidays. This is the stance I take with DD

Growing up, we were relatively well off but we were never spolit. We never had tons of stuff. We had a lovely house but we never had flash electronics or a flash car like others we knew did...I think my parents thought things like that were a bit vulgar!

I remember a brother and sister I knew who got given a Sega Megadrive each because they didn't want to share!

Giving things to children doesnt make them spoiled, its their attitude that counts.

Surely you want to show children that nice things come from working so that they grow up with a good work ethic.

I dont know any adults who, by choice, only have something new on christmas and birthdays yet many seem to treat their children this way and seem to wear it as a badge of pride.

We do lots of days out, its good for DS to try new things or visit favourites. As a baby we did soft play very often as you cant recreate that at home really but never saw it as a treat.

I have frugal instincts so I don't want to spend unnecessary money on every outing. So magazines-sweets-toys every time would be ridiculous to me.

Outings are great though, the more the better. (I bring our own sandwiches)

We practically live at soft play. It's not a treat, just another place to play - the same as the park, or local castles and gardens.

Somewhere we go for more than just a morning or afternoon is a "day out" but I still wouldn't see it as a treat. We don't do more or less of them depending on the DC's behaviour. The weather is far more of a factor.

Magazines or toys bought from shops are treats. DS doesn't really get sweets but occasionally has a banana from the shop. A nice snack at soft play is also a treat.

I dont know any adults who, by choice, only have something new on christmas and birthdays yet many seem to treat their children this way and seem to wear it as a badge of pride.

Sorry but that's a silly comparison. were trying to shape our children and teach them life lessons, one being that 'things' have to be earned. We go out to work and earn money and reward ourselves as a result. DD isn't at school yet but when she is if she works hard and puts the effort in I would get her a small gift as a reward. To say "well I got myself a top this weekend so the kids can have a toy" is indulgent IMO. This may be a MN controversy but children don't have to be equal to adults in every sense. It's our job to raise them and part of that is getting them to know their limits (eg "you don't need a new game but if you do well at school/wait til Xmas then you can have one then") so that one day when they do go out to work they can understand the value of money and earning something themselves.

waits for the "what about SAHP" brigade to jump all over my going out to work and earning your crust theory

PS with regard to the days out thing - it's all relative, to me a day at local soft play is not a treat, it's part of our family time together, ditto for educational visits. But for a example a day out to a theme park where we were travelling would be a treat iykwim

Stuff and things do not spoil children indulging them spoils them i know a few spoiled children who don't get lavished with gifts i cant see why days out are indulgent though

indulging their behaviour spoils them* is what i meant