To be intrigued by this indulgent parenting style.

[ihaveadirtydog]

Quite a few of the mums I've met through one of dd's activities seem to have a very indulgent style of parenting.
Children are lavished with toys, sweets, clothes, treats, days out etc. The parents aren't loaded but spend a v high proportion of their money on the children.
One of my biggest worries re parenting is raising my children to be spoilt brats but these children don't appear to be spoilt-they are polite, kind and hardworking.
I guess part of it is the fact that they are given a lot of attention as well as material things. They are also still young so I guess things may change as they get older.
I'm not sure I've expressed myself very well but I just wondered if I was being unreasonable, for example not to buy dd sweets or a magazine etc as a matter of course every time we go shopping as these parents do.

[littlebluedog12]

It's all relative really. If my kids come shopping with me I sometimes buy them a treat if they've been good- like a fudge or a freddo. Probably once or twice a week. Days out we do as often as I can afford, usually take a picnic. Kids magazines are the devil's work though and ridiculously expensive, I very rarely cave to that unless we are going on a trip somewhere.

Today I have got them a moshi monster each to surprise them when I pick them up from school. Just because.

My mum used to say no to pretty much everything. I like to say yes whenever possible, unless there's a good reason not to.

[Melonbreath]

Don't judge a child by what they get, but how they act when they don't.
Dsd is lovely as long as she gets everything she wants, when she doesn't it's tears followed by shouting and then the cold shoulder.

[defineme]

I think you might be limiting something which the vast majority do not see as a treat. In fact it's some peopel's idea of hell!

Soft play is just a convenient fun way of ensuring a child gets exercise when it rains.
We don't go all summer because it's far nicer (and cheaper) to be outside, but yes we'd go as often as possible in bad weather.
I limit food treats eg sweets for their health.
I limit days out to theme parks because I can't afford many.
I never limit free museums/parks/visits to friends/swimming etc and I would stick soft play in that category.
I can't see why you'd limit experiential stuff.

However, I have a different attitude towards material things-with 3 kids they can get overwhelmed and lack gratitude if surrounded by a sea of presents at xmas so I do control amount and size. I wouldn't control expense other than what I can afford, but I'd rather spend money on a holiday than presents any day.

I think children's capacity for wonder and excitement is pretty limitless-I honestly wouldn't worry about spoiling him with experiences.

[PuffyPigeon]

Grub - completely agree. I treat my dds regularly and they appreciate it. If they began not to or to expect or demand things, I wouldn't. I buy more things for them when I'm alone than when I'm with them as they never ask for anything.

[SaucyJack]

I treat my kids a fair bit I reckon. I seem to be forever in Primark or Pahndland buying Godawful leopard print tat.

We're pretty poor by UK standards and there are so many things that I'd love to buy/do for them that we can't afford in a million years and I probably compensate by buying them tonnes of cheap crap instead.

[MrsKoala]

Depends on the child and other values they have. I was always a grateful and polite child but was also 'spoiled' with material things. Others I knew were not spoiled and very rude and grabby, wouldn't share when they did have things as they wanted to squirrel it away. I would happily share as I had so much. I have grown up (just like dh - who was also a 'spoiled only child' like me) to not see value in material possessions, nowhere near as much as those I know who had treats rationed.

I buy whatever I think ds will like, and he eats whatever he likes, often choc and bics. But because these are not rationed or taboo, he just sees them as normal food and seems to prefer broccoli

[Jan616]

MrsKoala I couldn't agree more. My parents came from very poor backgrounds so they tried to give me everything they never had growing up. I'm sure people thought they were too indulgent but I never once demanded something from them and I was always polite and grateful when I received things. Now that I'm an adult, it's my turn to spoil them .

My cousins on the other hand were often denied treats and new clothes as a way of 'teaching them the value of money'. They are now very materialistic and demanding (they are also the only adults I know who open their birthday gifts in front of all their guests and get really excited at the expensive gifts but not so much if it's something cheaper ).

[Bumbandit]

I think constantly giving things esp sweets is a different issue to outings which are just fun adventures for everyone.

I was never taken anywhere by my parents as a kid - not the playground (short bus ride away) not the circus (which came every year), not a film (although my neighbours took me once and my parent told them off for 'spoiling" me) not the beach (which was only a short drive or bus ride away), not the woods (which were literally down the street), not a panto...nothing kid related AT ALL.

I had an Aspie parent who didn't understand and blamed me when I didn't want to trail behind them doing grown up stuff or play alone for hours on end. Honestly? It was excrutiatingly boring and it didn't help us bond.

So when I became a parent, I decided that I would balance it out a bit more. We probably go on a kid-oriented outing most weekends - playgrounds, libraries, kids matinees, soft play, play dates, National Trust gardens, kite flying....works for us.

[Hoppinggreen]

I don't have a problem treating my kids but it shouldn't be an expectation.
Some family members can't go anywhere without buying loads of stuff for their kids , in fact they constantly buy them whatever they want. To be honest it's not exactly helping them grow up as nice children!!
They expect things all the time and God help everyone if they don't get them!! The same family members buy my children things all the time too, they are lovely people but just over generous. My kids have started to ask " what will we get at x's house when we visit" and when they arrive there it's " hello, what have you got me?"
Treats should be treats not an expectation!!!

[Comeatmefam]

Big fat meh to you OP.

I treat mine to a cake or drink or similar most times we go out, we go to the cinema/theatre/theme parks a lot, my 12 and 13 year olds have smart phones...

Who gives a fuck?

All three of my dds do v well at schoo and are nice, polite, kind people - unless they are being horrible people like the rest of us are sometimes - and I've got the money...so, again, meh.

[Comeatmefam]

I'm not sure what 'schoo' is...

[DomesticDisgrace]

I was going to agree with you until I ray your view on days out. In that case my DD is spoiled rotten.

[ZforZachariah]

My dc go on lots of days out but we've mostly refused the added extras such as gift shop, face painting etc.

They sometimes ask but are really good about it when we say no. We're trying to teach them to be happy that they're there and that the extra bits are expensive. They often don't even ask and just get on with enjoying the day.

We also don't often buy magazines, sweets etc because I don't want them to expect it.

I've just realised whilst typing this that this is my one and only parenting strategy that seems to be paying off.

They tantrum and defy us in almost all other areas....

[tumbletumble]

I am relatively indulgent towards my DC and they are well behaved. To me, there is a big difference between being generous with time and money towards DC and letting them get away with bad behaviour. I see these as completely different things.

Obviously there is a benefit in teaching your DC the value of money though.

[formerbabe]

Also I think it depends what things you are getting for them...

I will buy my kids as many books/puzzles as they want but will put a limit on other toys.

We go out to eat in cafes/family friendly restaurants every week but I see this as good practice and a nice thing to do rather than being spoilt.

[Waltonswatcher1]

Our neighbours kids are spoiled rotten with material possessions , dream holidays, meals out , experiences - the lot.

They are really lovely , caring , empathetic , pleasant kids . It pisses me right off !

[RhondaJean]

I've come back to explain a bit further what I meant about teenagers.

The friends I was talking about (there are a few) have given their children everything they asked for from an early age, even where it meant they themselves had holes in their shoes and ran up debt (in one case council tax bailiffs at the door).

Now their children are teenaged they cannot literally afford the things they ask for (like a new contract phone three months after they got one at Christmas). The kids don't have an understanding of the income the parents have and the relative cost of the things they ask for.

I'm all for experiences but it would be expensive trips out everyday during the Easter holidays for example, my kids would get one big day out and some trips to the park/beach/for ice cream etc.

Obviously the things you get your kids have got to be relative to your income, so if you are earning a big wage it's a bit of a shame not to buy your kids things just because, but there has to be a bit of sense about not putting yourself in a difficult situation. It's fine when they are little and want a fudge and a magazine, not so much ten years later when it's the latest iPhone and a designer jacket.

Experiences to me are totally different, I'd rather spend on doing things or lessons for something which are learning experiences, and to me that teaches the kids confidence in their ability to learn and explore the world, whereas buying things alone to keep up with the jones teaches them their value comes from what they have and not what they are.

I'm not sure if I have explained this well but I wanted to try!

[Diane31]

My daughter's schoolfriends are nice girls, but their families are middleclass (again the mums are nice and approachable and always help me out with lifts etc when needed). We are working class. May be oldfashioned but don't know how else to put it i.e. we don't own our own house, don't go abroad, drive a fancy car etc etc etc. None of her friends judge us or anything like that but it is hard trying to give her the same things i.e. music classes etc etc etc. Hope there is more of a mix when they start high school. Time will tell.

Not much help but just another perspective. This parenting this is hard!

[ThatBloodyWoman]

I spend what I can on kids activities.

They're not spoilt when it comes to material things, but I love them to have a chance to do things.

[Octopusinabunchofdaffodils]

I tend to think that parents who do not have a lot of money so tend to spend more on things for their children because they perhaps don't want their children to appear to be going without - not because they care what others think but because they don't want to not provide their children with things that their friends have

[Diane31]

Octopusin etc. Yes, that is me I think.

[RhondaJean]

Octo, I totally understand where my friends have been coming from, they didn't have very good childhoods themselves and wanted their kids to have a better one. It's backfired slightly but I think overall the kids will realise once they start working themselves how hard their parents tried to give them a good life.

I'm definitiely of the view that you build self efficacy through offering opportunities and not items though.

[Diane31]

....fiddling about for change for the charity cake sale, the head teacher boasting that our school is one of the few in the country that does residentials every year (sigh, finding £250 just after Christmas). We do what we can but I doubt we will be paying for high school ski ing trips etc when she starts in Sept. Rather have the money for family days out.

[FanFuckingTastic]

I guess mine get a lot, being in split families can often mean twice the spending and the only time it's been a problem is at Christmas when my DS has been way too over-stimulated and said some slightly ungrateful things. He's old enough now to talk to about that and to understand.

I try to focus on educational things and experiences on a whole, and sweets are limited day to day for teeth.

[Madeyemoodysmum]

We have a lot of days out. Plenty of time for boring stuff when they are older. I want to enjoy them now while they are young. A lot of these days out are free or cheap though. Picnics at NT places etc.

I don't buy gifts or toiys unless its Xmas birthday and a small toy at Easter instead of an egg. Mine never get comics and cheap throw away type toys. but if they get a great school report and parents evening they may get a small toy of choice.

I would say each to his own though as long gas they seem nice kids. Time will tell