To be intrigued by this indulgent parenting style.

[ihaveadirtydog]

Quite a few of the mums I've met through one of dd's activities seem to have a very indulgent style of parenting.
Children are lavished with toys, sweets, clothes, treats, days out etc. The parents aren't loaded but spend a v high proportion of their money on the children.
One of my biggest worries re parenting is raising my children to be spoilt brats but these children don't appear to be spoilt-they are polite, kind and hardworking.
I guess part of it is the fact that they are given a lot of attention as well as material things. They are also still young so I guess things may change as they get older.
I'm not sure I've expressed myself very well but I just wondered if I was being unreasonable, for example not to buy dd sweets or a magazine etc as a matter of course every time we go shopping as these parents do.

[baggytshirt]

I spoil dd, one of our family friends said so the other day, but she never throws temper tantrums. Maybe that's just her and nothing to do with parenting. If she asks for something I'll often say no, and explain why as in 'you have one already/that'll look rubbish out the packaging' and luckily she always just accepts this (she is only 3.6 though). If she asks for chocolate I'll offer an alternative, usually Greek yogurt. She's full on and never stops, but she's never sulky or wanting.

[GarlicMarchHare]

Just seen your 18:53 post, dirty. Sorry I missed it, and from me too.

If you would buy yourself a bottle of wine, a lipstick or summat while shopping - it's reasonable to buy DC a small "me" thing too :)

[GarlicMarchHare]

I'm puzzled by your post, OP, and by most of the replies. You basically say these children are given plenty of respectful attention, treated as if their wishes matter, and allowed small purchases like books, sweets or magazines? And you all think this will lead to demanding brats?

So what do you recommend - ignoring children, telling them No as a reflex, and making sure they feel dis-entitled whenever you take them shopping?!

Madness. FWIW, I had an absolutely ghastly childhood but my parents did pretty much what OP described. We were very poor while I was little and, if it wasn't possible to get our comics or whatever due to budget, this was explained properly. Given the verbal & physical violence to which were exposed, it's a bloody good job we weren't also ignored and denied ...

[howrudeforme]

I indulge my kid. I spoil him. I want to spend time going out with him as I work full time. However, he's not 'spoilt'. He rarely asks for stuff. He's generous with his friends particularly in making them feel good with compliments.

If I take him to a toy shop he'll choose the cheapest pocket money toy there it.

That's his character. Nothing I've done.

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

And glad to hear they and you enjoyed a little treat this evening!

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

Ds1 has a friend like this-he has loads of stuff and his DM spends oodles on him. But he's not spoilt or grabby in the slightest. He's generous, kind and the sort of child who will compliment his friends readily. Mine (who have not half the goodies he has) are much less charitable!

I do wonder if I've made them a bit craven about material things sometimes by saying no a lot!

[pointythings]

OP, that's just lovely to hear.

[ihaveadirtydog]

I'm glad I started this thread. It's made me realise that I am often being puritanical for no good reason. I've said yes to an extra deep extra bubbly bath for them tonight whereas I'd normally say no (it's wasteful, unnecessary blah blah blah). As many have said why not give them enjoyment while they're little.

[monkeymamma]

Interesting thread, I think I am pretty indulgent as I will usually buy ds a little something when I'm shopping (with him or alone). What I don't do though (much) is buy the exact thing he wants (only where it is actually useful/something I want him to have/within budget). Eg he wanted a big toy recently but when I said no, that's something for a special occasion, he happily put it back on the shelf. I'm a bit over indulgent re sweets (usually raisins or smoothie - but still full of sugar!) if it means we can get round the supermarket.
I think I buy him little toys etc for a very simple reason. I enjoy it. And I can see well enough how quickly these years will go by, we only get one life to enjoy.
My parents were very very similar with me - always a small toy if i went shopping with mum, my dad used to bring us all a little treat on a Friday after work. But I was not in any way a spoilt or demanding teen and they are always saying how as a child I was never grabby or demanding and always very grateful for what they got me. I (so far, it's early days) see ds heading in a similar direction personality wise. The reason for it I think is that my mum and dad were very generous also with their time and attention. Days out were always aimed at our enjoyment and education. I try to do the same with ds.

[HobbetInTheHeadlights]

Children are all under 5 btw

When my 3 were all under 5 it was actually easier to be out and about doing stuff than in the house with ensuing mess and mayhem. It was also cheaper - buses trains they'd go free and many places had cheaper or free tickets at that age.

Now they are all older and spend a lot of time in school it's easier to chill in the house and garden - they will go to their rooms instead of being under foot all the time.

I wonder if at that age - prime tantrum age - if they are picking their battles or reinforcing or rewarding the good behaviour.

The buying them thing every time they go shopping may well come to be an expectation - but again they may not keep it up and stop it once DC are older.

I found it really hard work with 3 DC that young - we may have indulged our DC more at that age but they've grown up polite and as they've gotten older, oldest only 8, we've been less indulgent partly due to money and partly because they understand more now.

[sherazade]

Sorry iphone keeps deciding to send me message!
Unless they have accomplished something no gifts except the occasional suprise. On the flip side we do travel very frequently and we are fortunate to spend time abroad in lovely locations and they have seen a lot of the world

[sherazade]

Or accom

[sherazade]

Weekends are normally chilled out here , trips to grandparents house as well as lounging around at home after swimming lessons in Saturday. I work full time and am too tired to spend every weekend taking them out . I dont buy them gifts or toys unless there is an occasion or they have done something special it acc

[mrsjay]

indulging their behaviour spoils them* is what i meant

[mrsjay]

Stuff and things do not spoil children indulging them spoils them i know a few spoiled children who don't get lavished with gifts i cant see why days out are indulgent though

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

PS with regard to the days out thing - it's all relative, to me a day at local soft play is not a treat, it's part of our family time together, ditto for educational visits. But for a example a day out to a theme park where we were travelling would be a treat iykwim

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

I dont know any adults who, by choice, only have something new on christmas and birthdays yet many seem to treat their children this way and seem to wear it as a badge of pride.

Sorry but that's a silly comparison. were trying to shape our children and teach them life lessons, one being that 'things' have to be earned. We go out to work and earn money and reward ourselves as a result. DD isn't at school yet but when she is if she works hard and puts the effort in I would get her a small gift as a reward. To say "well I got myself a top this weekend so the kids can have a toy" is indulgent IMO. This may be a MN controversy but children don't have to be equal to adults in every sense. It's our job to raise them and part of that is getting them to know their limits (eg "you don't need a new game but if you do well at school/wait til Xmas then you can have one then") so that one day when they do go out to work they can understand the value of money and earning something themselves.

waits for the "what about SAHP" brigade to jump all over my going out to work and earning your crust theory

[RandomPants]

We practically live at soft play. It's not a treat, just another place to play - the same as the park, or local castles and gardens.

Somewhere we go for more than just a morning or afternoon is a "day out" but I still wouldn't see it as a treat. We don't do more or less of them depending on the DC's behaviour. The weather is far more of a factor.

Magazines or toys bought from shops are treats. DS doesn't really get sweets but occasionally has a banana from the shop. A nice snack at soft play is also a treat.

[HolidayCriminal]

I have frugal instincts so I don't want to spend unnecessary money on every outing. So magazines-sweets-toys every time would be ridiculous to me.

Outings are great though, the more the better. (I bring our own sandwiches)

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Giving things to children doesnt make them spoiled, its their attitude that counts.

Surely you want to show children that nice things come from working so that they grow up with a good work ethic.

I dont know any adults who, by choice, only have something new on christmas and birthdays yet many seem to treat their children this way and seem to wear it as a badge of pride.

We do lots of days out, its good for DS to try new things or visit favourites. As a baby we did soft play very often as you cant recreate that at home really but never saw it as a treat.

[formerbabe]

Growing up, we were relatively well off but we were never spolit. We never had tons of stuff. We had a lovely house but we never had flash electronics or a flash car like others we knew did...I think my parents thought things like that were a bit vulgar!

I remember a brother and sister I knew who got given a Sega Megadrive each because they didn't want to share!

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

OP I'm with you I don't get the need to indulge children so very much. I mean don't get me wrong, when I walk past a toy stand I can see how it's done as I see about 10 things and think "DD would love that" and I have to remind myself that she doesn't actually need or want anything new. Buying her more stuff would be for my gratification, not hers.

My SIL is absolutely terrible for this, her girls get everything they ask for for, and it would seem for silly reasons. Her 10yo for example got a £50 play station game because she was spinning round in circles outside her house (don't ask, kids are weird aren't they) and banged into the wall. So they felt bad for her and got her the game. They have a £300 deficit on their electric bill, so I think this isn't just bad parenting but terrible money management, and they aren't setting a very good example. If that was my DD I wouldn't buy her anything I'd say "well that's what happens when you spin in circles." But maybe I'm a meanie

When I was little if I wanted something I had to wait til birthday or Christmas, unless it was something I needed like a new pair of shoes. I think the only ever exception was a bike I got because it was summer and would occupy me for the holidays. This is the stance I take with DD

[Joysmum]

Personally, I don't care about labelling things as 'treats' or not.

Today I'm going to be taking my DD to a local farm for lambing. Somebody else may see that as a treat, I see it as fun education for us both. Either way, the result is the same in that we go, we have fun, we learn. That's it.

[TeamWill]

Mine always had a small amount of pocket money from a the age of 7 or so.
They could spend it on what ever they liked but once it was gone it was gone! They loved making their own decisions but it often meant waiting while they made up their minds for an hour

Rarely bought "stuff" on a weekly basis but had ice cream in the park etc

We had lots of time together and every holiday did a big day out plus lots of swimming ,beach, walks etc
Birthday money saved to spend on hols/at the zoo etc.