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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be intrigued by this indulgent parenting style.

88 replies

ihaveadirtydog · 28/03/2014 12:56

Quite a few of the mums I've met through one of dd's activities seem to have a very indulgent style of parenting.
Children are lavished with toys, sweets, clothes, treats, days out etc. The parents aren't loaded but spend a v high proportion of their money on the children.
One of my biggest worries re parenting is raising my children to be spoilt brats but these children don't appear to be spoilt-they are polite, kind and hardworking.
I guess part of it is the fact that they are given a lot of attention as well as material things. They are also still young so I guess things may change as they get older.
I'm not sure I've expressed myself very well but I just wondered if I was being unreasonable, for example not to buy dd sweets or a magazine etc as a matter of course every time we go shopping as these parents do.

OP posts:

sherazade · 29/03/2014 12:10

Weekends are normally chilled out here , trips to grandparents house as well as lounging around at home after swimming lessons in Saturday. I work full time and am too tired to spend every weekend taking them out . I dont buy them gifts or toys unless there is an occasion or they have done something special it acc

sherazade · 29/03/2014 12:10

Or accom

sherazade · 29/03/2014 12:14

Sorry iphone keeps deciding to send me message!
Unless they have accomplished something no gifts except the occasional suprise. On the flip side we do travel very frequently and we are fortunate to spend time abroad in lovely locations and they have seen a lot of the world

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 29/03/2014 13:17

Children are all under 5 btw

When my 3 were all under 5 it was actually easier to be out and about doing stuff than in the house with ensuing mess and mayhem. It was also cheaper - buses trains they'd go free and many places had cheaper or free tickets at that age.

Now they are all older and spend a lot of time in school it's easier to chill in the house and garden - they will go to their rooms instead of being under foot all the time.

I wonder if at that age - prime tantrum age - if they are picking their battles or reinforcing or rewarding the good behaviour.

The buying them thing every time they go shopping may well come to be an expectation - but again they may not keep it up and stop it once DC are older.

I found it really hard work with 3 DC that young - we may have indulged our DC more at that age but they've grown up polite and as they've gotten older, oldest only 8, we've been less indulgent partly due to money and partly because they understand more now.

monkeymamma · 29/03/2014 15:32

Interesting thread, I think I am pretty indulgent as I will usually buy ds a little something when I'm shopping (with him or alone). What I don't do though (much) is buy the exact thing he wants (only where it is actually useful/something I want him to have/within budget). Eg he wanted a big toy recently but when I said no, that's something for a special occasion, he happily put it back on the shelf. I'm a bit over indulgent re sweets (usually raisins or smoothie - but still full of sugar!) if it means we can get round the supermarket.
I think I buy him little toys etc for a very simple reason. I enjoy it. And I can see well enough how quickly these years will go by, we only get one life to enjoy.
My parents were very very similar with me - always a small toy if i went shopping with mum, my dad used to bring us all a little treat on a Friday after work. But I was not in any way a spoilt or demanding teen and they are always saying how as a child I was never grabby or demanding and always very grateful for what they got me. I (so far, it's early days) see ds heading in a similar direction personality wise. The reason for it I think is that my mum and dad were very generous also with their time and attention. Days out were always aimed at our enjoyment and education. I try to do the same with ds.

Original poster

ihaveadirtydog · 29/03/2014 18:53

I'm glad I started this thread. It's made me realise that I am often being puritanical for no good reason. I've said yes to an extra deep extra bubbly bath for them tonight whereas I'd normally say no (it's wasteful, unnecessary blah blah blah). As many have said why not give them enjoyment while they're little.

OP posts:

pointythings · 29/03/2014 20:32

OP, that's just lovely to hear.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 29/03/2014 21:15

Ds1 has a friend like this-he has loads of stuff and his DM spends oodles on him. But he's not spoilt or grabby in the slightest. He's generous, kind and the sort of child who will compliment his friends readily. Mine (who have not half the goodies he has) are much less charitable!

I do wonder if I've made them a bit craven about material things sometimes by saying no a lot!

MissBetseyTrotwood · 29/03/2014 21:16

And glad to hear they and you enjoyed a little treat this evening!

howrudeforme · 29/03/2014 21:22

I indulge my kid. I spoil him. I want to spend time going out with him as I work full time. However, he's not 'spoilt'. He rarely asks for stuff. He's generous with his friends particularly in making them feel good with compliments.

If I take him to a toy shop he'll choose the cheapest pocket money toy there it.

That's his character. Nothing I've done.

GarlicMarchHare · 29/03/2014 21:39

I'm puzzled by your post, OP, and by most of the replies. You basically say these children are given plenty of respectful attention, treated as if their wishes matter, and allowed small purchases like books, sweets or magazines? And you all think this will lead to demanding brats?

So what do you recommend - ignoring children, telling them No as a reflex, and making sure they feel dis-entitled whenever you take them shopping?!

Madness. FWIW, I had an absolutely ghastly childhood but my parents did pretty much what OP described. We were very poor while I was little and, if it wasn't possible to get our comics or whatever due to budget, this was explained properly. Given the verbal & physical violence to which were exposed, it's a bloody good job we weren't also ignored and denied ...

GarlicMarchHare · 29/03/2014 21:43

Just seen your 18:53 post, dirty. Sorry I missed it, and from me too.

If you would buy yourself a bottle of wine, a lipstick or summat while shopping - it's reasonable to buy DC a small "me" thing too :)

baggytshirt · 29/03/2014 21:46

I spoil dd, one of our family friends said so the other day, but she never throws temper tantrums. Maybe that's just her and nothing to do with parenting. If she asks for something I'll often say no, and explain why as in 'you have one already/that'll look rubbish out the packaging' and luckily she always just accepts this (she is only 3.6 though). If she asks for chocolate I'll offer an alternative, usually Greek yogurt. She's full on and never stops, but she's never sulky or wanting.

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