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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to put DC to bed?

102 replies

cheerfultrail · 18/02/2014 09:16

I sometimes (rarely) work late. I mostly start the process of putting DD to bed - I suggest it; DH does her bath; I read the story. Usually at about 7.15-7.30.

DD has recently been ill (bad cold and temperature) but had been to nursery in the day. Therefore she was very tired and crotchety.

I got home at 7.30pm, fully expecting a bathed and pyjama-clad child.

No, DH was sitting on the sofa, unable to face the tantrum of telling DD to leave the ipad alone (I never let her on the ipad unless it is a special treat; on a long journey etc) and certainly not having done her bath etc.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do this? He does work hard and is normally knackered at the end of a working day, but even so ...!

OP posts:
Squitten · 18/02/2014 09:18

YANBU! Very lazy of him. Not wanting to deal with a tantrum is no excuse. Total cop out.

pricklyPea · 18/02/2014 09:40

What would he have done if you had come back later or had to stay at work? How is it fair that you get to deal with the fallout? Do you think it's because you initiate and lead the routine that he has become complacent?

Yanbu but perhaps you need to speak to him if he's had a bad day or it's a catalogue of incompetence.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 18/02/2014 09:43

YANBU he should have got her ready whether he was tired or not.

fieldfare · 18/02/2014 09:46

Yanbu, what a cop out!

kotinka · 18/02/2014 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cheerfultrail · 18/02/2014 10:16

Thanks all. DH's view is that he always has to deal with DD being tired and tantrummy when he gets home, so why is it any different for me? Why should I expect preferential treatment.

My view is that he is normally home by 6.15 and surely he would like to see something of his child, tantrummy or not.

On the other hand, he can be fantastic e.g. he takes DD out for whole days by himself whilst I sit and relax in front of the tv. So - evenings - yes, this is how it normally goes. When I'm tired and had enough, he steps up to the plate and more. So not all bad!

OP posts:
kotinka · 18/02/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 18/02/2014 10:19

I think he's spectacularly missing the point. It's about your DD- not you.

If it's bed-time, then it's bed-time. Whoever is there needs to do it.

kotinka · 18/02/2014 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cheerfultrail · 18/02/2014 10:29

I'm not sure he kept her up deliberately in order to make a point. I just think he thought 10 mins later woldn't matter in terms of starting the process (despite the fact we are usually all done by 7.40, which is when we started things last night!) And I was there by that time, and I am better at handling the tantrums. But, yes, it did seem like the last thing I needed at 7.30 after a long day at work!

OP posts:
divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 10:32

I think you need to meet him half-way on this. Dealing with tantrums and stuff after a hard/stressful day is hellish, and most people would probably understand that.

On the other hand, explain how "that time" before 6.15 is actually a lot worse than what he's seeing, and that it's driving you up the bloody wall. If he would rather drive nails through his feet than deal with it after work, can he see how you feel dealing with it after a preceding period of difficult wrangling.

Explain to him you know just how he feels, explain how you feel and reason with him when he is happy and content. Don't try to start that conversation just after work! :)

goshhhhhh · 18/02/2014 10:32

In car journey stuck in traffic with dh. He says if your dh cantcan't deal with toodler tanttantrums he needs to grow a pair & no you are nbu.

divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 10:34

Bah, I completely got you mixed up with another poster and answered as if you were a SAHM. Ignore my dumb ass! :)

Original poster
cheerfultrail · 18/02/2014 10:40

divisionbyzero* I'm p-t and work 3 days, so your comment still applies to the other 2 days!

OP posts:
thinking101 · 18/02/2014 10:42

No def YANBU

We are on holiday, but we may was we'll be at home pretending to a school run as I stupidly expected my DH to be able to get our 2 year old ready to go out. You know the fucking essentials like wash, brush teeth, change of clothes and drinks bottle etc fucking etc.

I mean she is our second DC. Angry

I'm not in good place with my parenting of DS 8 at the moment so this just tipped me over in to not talking to anyone mode. So I'm on MN on holiday. Great eg?

blahblahblah2014 · 18/02/2014 10:46

how old is your DD? Your husband works a lot more than you, you should be responsible for the child. You working a full day is a one-off so whats the issue? 10 minutes later really wont make a difference to her bedtime will it! Didn't you want to see something of your chid, in PJ's or not? Plus dads really shouldn't be bathing little girls, it's a mums job.

kotinka · 18/02/2014 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cheerfultrail · 18/02/2014 10:54

blahblahblah2014 DD is 2.9.
And I definitely wanted to see my child - but in her pyjamas and having had her bath, so all I had to do was read her a story. And it is a one-off, so surely not too much for DH?

OP posts:
thinking101 · 18/02/2014 10:56

It's a mums job

FuckingWankwings · 18/02/2014 11:02

He's pathetic. Does he not think you 'deal' with tantrums when you're looking after her? Would he think it OK to leave any other DD-related problems to you?

Whoever is there at bedtime and most able to do it (ie not just staggering in from a long day at work) should do it. Tell him to grow up and do his share.

And blah, off you fuck.

poopooheadwillyfatface · 18/02/2014 11:03

dad's shouldn't be bathing little girls? ?Shock

Dads shouldn't feel they can opt out of any of a parents jobs when they feel like it, is more like it.

The OPs children have two parents to look after them. Why should mum be the default carer? Does dad get to pick which things he 'helps out' with?
It's not helping out of course, it's just participating.

MangoBiscuit · 18/02/2014 11:03

A man shouldn't bath his own child, if it's a girl?!? Blah does that also mean that a woman shouldn't be bathing her son?

MangoBiscuit · 18/02/2014 11:05

Sorry, meant to add YANBU OP, total cop out on your DHs part. I'd have said "I'll read to her if you get her ready for bed? Got to run now, really need the toilet, see you in a minute!" Then hid in that bathroom to force him to step up!

blahblahblah2014 · 18/02/2014 11:09

Bathing a little girl is a mum's job IMO - Especially when the man is working full time and she isn't - It's not sexist, it's just the way it is and shoud be, it's not a mans place to be washing a little girl. Did you even ask him to have her ready for when you got in, or did you just not say anything?

You may call my view sexist, but i bet in RL and in practice more mums bath little girls than dads!

In muslim households it would never be allowed

pianodoodle · 18/02/2014 11:13

Our DD is the same age and has a similar routine of bath, book, bed starting about 7pm.

I stay at home during the day but a few evenings go out to teach. Whoever is at home does whatever needs to be done at the time it usually happens!

I'll come home at 8 in time to kiss goodnight or sometimes she's already bathed and asleep.

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